…a total review of the heart…

It was time to look at the big picture once again.
There were feelings, but just what were they?
Was she delusionary?  Spell bound?  Captivated?
Caught up in her own fantasy world?

How Long this had gone on, certainly lent a large piece to
this pie, and she looked back in time, to the beginnings,
to the feelings, to who she was and who he was.

Certainly in the very beginning, he caught her off guard.
He possessed aspects and abilities that he’d obviously honed
all his life, and confidence gleamed off his flanks.

A good looking man learns early that he has advantages over
more ordinary ones, and the whole dance of seduction comes
so easily, and quickly offers rewards.

Yes, he easily got her attention, and they say… if the fellow gets
to show her his act, that means she is already interested.
But such confidence from such a young fellow, someone
she’d just met, who had just walked into her home, aroused
a certain caution in her, and rightfully so…
And yet, as the curiosity peaked, so did the
red flags start to fly…

Curious would be the key word here.  At first mildly, then
progressively more intently….and as he unfolded his kit of
charming tricks, she began to be fascinated.

Still, caution took the lead, and there was this gnawing fear
attached to the fascination, and she held him at arms length
for over a week, looking askance at him, checking him out
in a way that kept him from knowing that he was, and
How he was,  being measured.

When at last she decided to let him in, the terror turned to a
thrill of the unknown but with great promise, and … well…
he didn’t let her down.

He made her laugh all the time.  He told her tales of slaying
dragons and rescuing maidens… His accent was adorable, and
we all know how much American girls love accents.
And he was more than a little bit dangerous, mysterious.
The love making was other worldly, and for both.
She could tell.

Now this last part was just a continuation of her love of bad boys.
She had always been a good girl, so it was only a natural attraction.
Early Brando and James Dean films clued her in to what more
convoluted characters might bring to the
Very Interesting table.

She’d checked out enough good guys to know that a goodly
percentage of them were boring as shit, and frequently
control freaks as well.

This guy was so different on so many fronts, and she knew that
she’d not only have fun… she’d learn a bunch.
And believe it or not, this was, and always has been,
a big priority in her life.

Their time together was brief, limited, coming in dashes
and spurts (no pun intended, unless you’d prefer it that way)
and the adrenalin highs and seratonin bliss Moments
solidified, for her,  into attachment.

Once he was gone, and she knew he was Gone, things quieted
down, but he never quite left.  There was always this haunting
feeling that he could show up at any moment, and although this
had certainly been reinforced by past actions, it was also backed
up with that Call from Brasil two years after their last meeting.

Completely off the wall, Completely unexpected, and
a Completely Perfect movie.
The mere fact that he’d kept her card and number,
even after being in the Legion… in the Iraqi war…
…oh, actions, my darlings, actions…

His words in that conversation… “I’ve never forgotten”..
and……” a time of peace in a life of war”…
and for her, the sweetest and best of all ……..
“it is not often that a man can find peace.”

By then, It all was Ink, Deep Under Skin.

Still, 18 years passed in all, 16 since their last melding, and
when they actually began courting eachother via internet
and phone, it somehow just picked up where it had been left,
and somehow just intensified.
It was 2004, yet There it was…….still…

They actually talked…for hours.  Bodies no longer interfered with conversation… it was their only means, and they used it well.

Being there… in Brasil… feeling the trueness of not just
the Chemistry, but
the Mind Melds… ..music, movies, jokes, attitudes,
twists and turns of thought… it was all there and more.

Sleeping next to him was pure Peace.  No other word…peace.
She was stepping into it fully, looking at it fully….
And it held up under scrutiny.

And after a month with him, after lots of reality and moods,
tests and turns…
still he was growing on her, in her, with her.

There just came a point where this thing…right here…
was something so unique, so beloved, and
there was No Way she was going to pass it up.

As she reviewed the phases and stages they’d gone through
together, she came to the conclusion that this was Real.

She’d seen a great deal of him, inside and out, and still
She loved him … she really did…
and in new and altogether deeper ways.

The unfolding stories of his life…  touched her heart.
She understood him, not all, but a lot, enough to know that
he was something so unique, so brave and beautiful.
And she wanted to understand him completely.

Yet the newness of him, every day, not only amused her…
…it gave her great hope.  He was ready to grow, to change.

The move from Romantic love to Real love… for her anyway…
was a genuine and trackable progress, and no, she could not
doubt its validity now, no matter how confusing it became
at certain times, no matter how many times he …. perhaps…
…tested her….

Now realize, this was just inside of her.
She had no Real idea of what he was Really feeling.

Because of his mood swings…. and we’ll talk about those later…
she wondered how this man could span such a dichotomy
of reports… from brilliant reflection to romantic insight,
to the most vile and hateful rhetoric….

He was trying, that was evident.
And it was not effortless…
that was also evident.

But the words… how could anyone say the Words that he
came up with sometimes….  How…?
without their being Real…

She trusted and prayed that she could believe in his Love…
for the expression of his love for her was beyond this realm…
it had a certain mark of eternity.



5 thoughts on “…a total review of the heart…

  1. Laura says:

    As I am sure you know, true love is not for the faint of heart for it requires great courage to accept the darkness of your beloved’s soul.

  2. Oh Laura…you’re so wise. Truth Indeed, and this one was the one that really taught me that. I feel very brave sometimes… other times that bit of sadness creeps in. At least I know I Really tried.

  3. Laura says:

    Yes, you are brave and by trying your best he probably learned more about himself than he realizes. I too prefer men who are complex, passionate and full of private conflict. I find they are the ones who are aware of themselves in a way the ones who had the storybook lives are incapable of. Thank you for sharing this story, I am enjoying it so much and the composition is getting better and better. Take care.

  4. Thanks once again, Laura! I find I cannot Settle for the simple ones, and so the playing field narrows. Oh well, at least I have time to write! I have things to share with you, so email me when you have time…

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