… it’s been a long time …

It’s been some time since I wrote about my guy friend, and
there are several reasons for this rather long gap…
When I last was recounting our time together, I had just
arrived in Rio for the second visit, to be a lengthy one, and
re-entry was becoming difficult for many reasons.
I stopped mid story, because frankly it was so completely
depressing me, and it was confusing, and draining,  to be
taken back to such an emotional six months stay.

rio at night with christ

Rio has such romance and magic, and particularly for me in
the last 28 years, because of a Brasilian I met waaaay back
in the Eighties…. ah yes, the party decade!
He was diving for Urchins, I was a local, a friend brought him
to dinner, and the rest just unfolded as it did.  Great chemistry,
great romance, excitement, charm and mystery.
Then he vanished, as he used to love to do, and then two years
later, called me from Rio, to tell me that he loved me.
Then more years…. and then finding eachother on the internet,
making plans to meet, a month long visit, crazy mad love,
plans to return….. a painful year, at least for me…. and then
at last an extended stay.  We planned to marry… or at least
be together in a new way.

So there we are… we have some context as to the ‘picking up
where we left off’ part.  But see, there’s a catch… during this
interum, while I put away the turmoil, the ugliness, the long
and terrible confusions of to stay or not to stay…. and trying
hard to figure out this very convoluted man…. a completely
unforseen thing happened.
He emailed me…………..
Yes……. out of the Blue….. and here he is, briefly touching
in, with deep and sincere apologies, and wishes to perhaps
be able to converse.  I soon agreed, and we began what is still
going on today… long and heartfelt conversations via SKYPE,
with the most delightful videos, the most touching shares.
And that was Nine months ago…. hmmm?  rebirth?
He is living on his boat in Norway, soon to throw himself to
the wind, literally and as he is fond of doing.  And so there’s
more stories to tell, videos to enjoy, and a new blog site
in the future.

The true miracle of all of this is…. we have become real friends.
When you are ‘in love’ with someone, you know it will change
and turn into something else…. but to move from all of that
to Being Friends, and sharing things that really mean something…
Well, that my friends is an impossible Wish Granted.

…pick up lines…

Her journal is frequently a source of amusement, and
often she’s laughed at herself, and for any number of reasons.

Sometimes it’s just obvious that she’s seen too many movies.
Other times, little insights that popped into head at odd
moments find their way to pen, and
later she is glad she had one.

Here’s One….


Pick up lines through the ages…

1960s………….wanna ball?

1970s………….what sign are you?

1980s………….you look like you need a back rub

1990s …………you’re such a Goddess

2000s…………….have you been tested?


“I wonder..” she thought “what the new one
will be for this decade…..”
She remembered a few that had been used on her…

>>>What’s your website…..?

Are you blogging…..?

**You look like you need a hug**….

^You’re such a doll, can I touch your hair^….. ?

) How many lovers do you have now (….?

>Do you skype …… ?

>>>>>Are you on Facebook?<<<<< ….. ya..!
That’s probably the one.”

Got any more  good suggestions ???





…just a note…

For those of you reading this from your email, or
from your Facebook page, may I suggest you move
to my site itself, with a little Click….
…and for a couple reasons.

One, it is Ever So Much More Sexy a Layout on the
Blog page, than on some other makeshift version.

And Two… then I am spurred on by the
Number of Hits on my site.

Dear People….. Writing is solitary work, and
I Need ALL the Encouragement I can get!





…long ago…

Long ago in a far away land there was a girl.  She was a rather pretty girl, but she wasn’t so  sure about that.
Still, as time went by, she became more pretty to herself,
and things started paying off. 

Boys flocked for miles around, just for the chance to kneel at her feet and
buy her popcorn. 

Years went by.  Lots of years. 

Then one day, she realized she was old.  Not just older…. Old. 

She remembered those things she’d read, the ones about being an older woman, and how you suddenly become invisible to men.
So she decided to try it out. 

She’s at a bar.  She walks up and stands there.  And stands there. …
and stands some more……Hmmmmm
She raises her eyebrows as she lightly lifts her hand in the air…
(make it soft… non demanding… I know older women can be known as bitches to some).. . and she IS short, after all.   Maybe…..maybe their scans didn’t reach below 5’5…..  Hmm..nope.  Nothin…..
She leans on her elbow, mildly irritated, broadcasting a Toe Tappin’ – Hair Pullin sorta feeling…..
….a ‘bring that bad boy over to me Now’ sort of look …..nope, not the ticket.

Hair toss.  Tilt head and softly smile.     “Um….Helllloooo!?  Can I get a drink?”  ….   Twirl hair, wishing there was gum to pop right now….

How ‘Bout Lean Waaaay in, stick out arm and Grab the Barboy by
one of his appendages …..?

Am I here? she asks herself,  squinting in the mirror  through the bottles….

Hmmmm…guess so. … Guess they were right.  I can see me, but something has happened to those guys’ eyes….

Strange… it wasn’t that long ago that they tripped over eachother to
do her bidding.  It wasn’t that long that there would come knocks at the door with no warning…

Across the crowded room moments…. The Sparkletts water man going into trance over my face moments.   Oh yes, and the time some mysterious fellow  sent drinks over….. while sitting at the far end of the bar….. with his wife….!

What to do?  Not that I’m desperate, not nearly as much as I was when it was so easy.

But it would be nice to have someone to go to the movies with…..
…eat dinner with, cuddle with.
So what does this place offer for someone like me, at this point in life….

Senior Dating! That’s the ticket.  Oh ya… must be a ton of other oldies but goodies,

And I’m so damned clever, I’m bound to attract a few keepers….

So I’ll tell ya…. If nothing else, it’s good for some story telling. 

And so began this little blog of mine…. The one about the Ones that Got Away, Won’t Go away,  Got it Going, or  Wished they could.



…now and then….

I admit it.  I am putting off going into my storage, my deep dark pile of the past, and retrieving those journals that strip me bare, and tell me word for word just what transpired, long time past.

Yes, I wrote them for myself.  Yes, I am curious.  Yes, I wonder how my memories stack up against what I wrote in the moment.  I also want really badly to put aside such deep and emotional touchings right now.  Why… ?  because I have armored myself against the hurt.  Yes, Me…. The one always ready for feeling… I have just reached some sort of limit in my life, and have finally become protective of Myself.

And this is not a bad thing.  No, indeed.  I have just now learned the lesson that I might have well learned long time past, when I was young and full of so much…

So do not despair, those of you who await the next chapter, the next word, the next Phase… they will come…..but…. frankly, it’s All a phase, Dear Reader…. and it will come, but….

Just accept the fact….  It’s All a phase, every single day, every single chapter, every single decade………it will pass, and something new and unknown will come along, something you never even dreamed of, and it will overtake your being, your heart, your spirit, and you will say in retrospect…. Damn!  That was the Best!



…..it’s christmas…

Well my dears, another year has passed, and here we are at this festive family day.  I am waiting for my grandchildren to knock at my door, to lead me back to the family tree, piles of presents, and cappuccino…

This afternoon we travel to my brother’s where his girlfriend is holding an open house, and we all sit down to a grand dinner they have planned…  we are bringing Caesar Salad, to go with the Steak and Potatoes and Green Beans with Almonds……and there will be how many of us?  Shana and her family…. 4…. Tod and his family….4…. Chris and Cynthia and Me…. that makes 11.  Add a few of their close friends, and what a gathering!

I send you all Dear and Merry Thoughts of Times of Yore, and also of the New Year soon to be upon us.   May it bring Joy and Light to this wonderful Planet, and to all who sit upon it.  We are so blessed with so many Creatures of Delight, waterways and skies, forests and woodlands, canyons and deserts, and our own little nests and homes that hold what is dear to us.

May there be Peace…. Love…. and Light… Enfolding this Miracle that is Life.



…. options oh ya….

So where the heck has she been, they ask.  Or at least she hopes they ask…  well, for one thing I was semi coma-ed under the influence of turkey… but you were too, so likely never noticed.  But there are other things I’ve been tending to…

Last time we talked, I was expounding on the virtues of Options.  And I decided that talk was cheap, and actions were what was needed.   For me, options have to do with flow…. and the flow of the month is Cash.  And it’s working!  The universe has provided me with some flow options, and believe me, it feels great!

I’ve been selling things on ebay for other people, and I like it.  I have interesting people to relate with, fun things to look at and learn about,  and interesting cash to play with.  Me Likey.   What has been coming to mind is an old quote from May West.  I once did a sexy song that a friend of mine wrote, and amidst beaded dress and feathers, I was known as May Zest.  Great fun…

Anywayzzzz… on to her quote, her quote aimed at Women:

“In your Teens, you need good parents….  In your Twenties, you need good looks….   In your Thirties you need a good personality….  and in your Forties and beyond, you need Good Hard Cash.”

Now, since that was a long time ago, and we live longer and stay younger, I would like to insert minor changes….  Perhaps in your Thirties, you would need Good Friends…  and then move the Good Personality to the Forties, and leave the Hard Cash to your Fifties and beyond.  But however it plays out, you get the idea.  Women, after a certain age, are much more respected if they have a house and lots of money.  Period.  They can get a young lover, even move him in, and they have Options.

See?  aren’t I clever?  It all leads back to the subject at hand, which not only has to do with Options, but also Women in this culture, and …. here we go…. getting older, age, and the differences between men and women.

More in a bit.  I promise… no really.  Stay warm, and hold on to the light.

….oh, and one more thing:   I Quit that Stupid Dating Site…. more later.              There are lots of stories to come of things I learned while virtually dating.



…chili makes me hot….

Oh, i love cooking.  Tonite it’s chili, with three beans and tomatoes from the garden.  Get them warming up, add some onions and garlic that have done a little saute-ing to get them ready for the mix.  Now comes 2 kinds of chiles, one low tone, one high tone… get the whole chorus goin.   And did i mention curry, cumin, and More garlic?  Shreds of fresh ginger…. mmmmm….

Right now that’s where it stands, with chunks of mushrooms slowly readying themselves for the big dip into meld-land.  MMMMmmm… and i add a little butter to the olive oil, to ease their transition into agreement with the rest.   They are ever so much happier with butter to make them feel ok about themselves…. oh aren’t we all…!!!

So, while they make yummy noises, and fill the air with expectations, I sit drinking a glass, or two, of this insane wine that does the trick….  GNARLY HEAD Old Vine Zin…. 2009….14.9%…. oh ya…. Highly recommended.

It has been known to inspire cooks and writers….

So… where did i leave off?  The three most hopeful hopefuls, Two with major Jitters in their pants.  They got scared.  So why is this?  I have some theories, but let me start by suggesting that…. they had more Options.

This is something that my oldest daughter and I have been chatting about for a while.  Because i am now an ‘older woman’, with a proclivity for younger men ……………..

Oh, let me take a moment out here to mention that those mushroom chunks just slid effortlessly, and without complaints  i might add,  into the ever growing pot.  Now it simmers quietly……and i pour another glass…..

So now we enter in … to the deeper depths … of Cultural Reality.  Girlfriends, please listen to me, because it doesn’t matter how fabulously exceptional you are, how well endowed you are, or how well you’ve taken care of yourself, and how many times people tell you …. “Oh my god, you can’t be bladeblah..!!”  (meaning age).  The fact is, Still to This Moment, we are fighting a loosing battle with a Cultural Cliche.   The Guy is Always supposed to be Older than the Girl.  Can you believe it?… after all this time and work, still we are squirming and stuggling against that taut line that pulls us in and says…..  Sorry…. too old…..  You might be cool, you might be hip, you might be gorgeous,  healthy and exceptional… unique in a way that ‘they’ will never find in a younger woman. ..but… It’s the facts, mam.

As my daughter tells me…. it’s all about Options.  Men have more options.  And yes, it has to do with those divisive things like Fertility, what other Men might think, Looking Good to the world, and reassuring themselves and others that they aren’t dead yet.

Ok… i’m being harsh here, but I’ll be honest.  When you get down to it, that is the baseline.  We are still living in a Man’s World, and the Rules Still Apply.

Oh, and my Chili is getting so excellent, and believe me i wish there was some guy smart enough to want to share this with me, but since right now my Boy friends consist of my Dog Arlo, my Cat Guava, and my three boys….. Bo (rainbow), Sparky, and Ru (rhubarb), who are all gorgeous Betta fishes, I think i shall just throw in some fresh organic Corn, and a little Shoya……some sage from the garden….  NO!!! Not in the Fish!  Do Not Add into Fishes!…. Into the Fabulous and Bitchin and super yummy Chili that will come to Fruition really soon, and then

I will watch more of Season 4 of “30 Rock”.  Damn, that Tina Girl is my Hero.       I think watching it for hours might have affected my mind… what do you think???  After while Alligators….



…..the options pileup….

OK… so you’re probably wondering when I’m getting back on track, and talking once again about this internet dating thing.  Well, this week I am tying it all together, and doing some deep meditations on just what the heck has transpired, and just what the heck I want.

For isn’t that the real question here?  What do I want… now, at this time in my life, when looking back, I have had so much love, so many interesting friends and companions, and several deep and lasting connections that put dents in my heart…  what will make Carol happy just now?

I am not sure that hooking up with someone and trying to start all over, is really the answer.  The online search has been interesting (don’t you love that word?) and frustrating, informative and confusing…. any more adjectives we can throw at it?  So let me just lay down a few of the strangenesses I’ve endured in the last, oh say 3 months….

A good time ago, I started emailing with this fellow, who was my age exactly, which if you have been reading my stuff, you know is not my cup of tea.  My experience, which of course allows for many exceptions, is that men my age are frequently stuck, often macho with double standards, and usually haven’t taken real good care of themselves in the health department.  Many are Vets, adding some deep issues, most have had really difficult breakups, on and on.  Some say they’ve never Been married, which is a big fat red flag…

So this one fellow just wouldn’t give up.  He looked very kind and sincere, and at last I consented to meet.  He is a very sweet and caring guy, brought me a rose, paid for lunch at the Thai place (that’s a 2 score, one for pay, one for good taste), and he showed me his Spyder motorcycle.  Cute.  Looks like a Transformer.  So we go on a few dates, rode his spyder, go to a pow wow, which neither of us had seen before.  He’s accomplished, kind, smart, and even winters in Mexico.  So…? they ask…  I just didn’t Feel it.  Nice guy, good vibes, trust, comfort.  But no chemistry for me.  Not the touch, not the kiss, just Not at all.  Friends.  Someone to go to the movies with sometimes.                        He also has major health issues which I will not go into here, and that does contribute to that feeling, or lack thereof, I must admit.  Later on I will reveal some of the reasons for that.   So …that was the best so far, of my meetings with strangers.  He’s in Mexico, and I doubt that I will be invited, because I wasn’t into having sex.  There, I said it.

Next are the two very interesting guys with whom I spent many hours of talking on the phone.  And somehow I really thought the connections were real… all that laughter and agreement.  Both were younger (Yeaaaay), and I did feel that below-the-belt warmth.  Oh Good!  It’s not dead!   Each was somewhat fascinating in his own way.  One was part of a group that deals with metaphysical experiences, and he described some really moving things he’d been through, I was quite taken, and this went on for a month or so.  Since he was Hawaiian (mmmm… brown skin, big guy, gentle, played slack key) we couldn’t easily meet, but there were mentions of mainland visits on business.  So suddenly, or gradually and I just suddenly got it… he began to get strange.  He had revealed so much of himself to me, and asked that I do the same.  He wanted soft spots, weaknesses, vulnerable places, mistakes I’d made in life.  And then, know what?  He started to use them against me.  Really… this is not paranoia.  He got really critical and a little crazy, and finally I broke it off.  Then he de-friended me on Facebook… how old are we?  I was left in the wake of stuff I will never understand, and the only comfort is knowing other people who know him (in this group we are in), who have seen similar strange behaviors.  At least it wasn’t just me….

The other one was more recent, an even better prospect, and again we talked endlessly on the phone…. laughter !  agreement !  thinking in similar ways… and he was a big guy, traveled extensively, worldly and very hip.  Great Laugh, and again, younger.  Feelin it…. oh ya.  Getting excited about meeting him sometime… he wasn’t that far away.  So he says we should meet.  We set the day, and ….. the afternoon before, I get an email.  An email, after dozens of hours on the phone.  It says…. he’d like to see a full picture of me, since I only have head shots on the site.  Well, I call him, and tell him this feels really weird.  Like, we’re meeting Tomorrow… why this today?  The long and short is that he needs to see me fully, and basically won’t come up tomorrow if he doesn’t get the pics.  This is even as I’ve told him that all photos are in storage, and it means I have to go there and move stuff and sort thru stuff to find what he is asking for.  No, no one’s here to take my picture either…

So I do all that, email the pics, and wait.  His email says he likes them, I look great, have style, blahdeblah…. and he’ll call later.  Later…. he sends an email, and says….”blahdeblah, however I feel no need to meet you yet”.  Slam……. and Yet?  why was that thrown in?  And it all just went downhill from there, because me being who I am, I called him and said “what the what?”…. why are you being so weird?  and basically he said it was a Test, and he didn’t like the way I acted and reacted.   A Test??  a TEST?

So here ends this portion of my broadcast.  I will be back with more Tales of the Love Lorn, and by the time I finish, you will understand somewhat, why I am Really Tired of this whole scene.  People are Weird, plain and simple.  I am not immune to the same disease, but believe me folks…. not this weird!





…a name by any other rose….

What is in a name?  is it your inner soul, or your wished for image?  On the dating sites, names tell you a lot about the person, especially because they’re all trying to come across as something.  Sometimes it’s the real self, or at least the attempt to share the real self.  More often, I suspect, it’s the Look they want to have, the persona they would like to be seen as, with sunglasses and a great hair day.

Thought I’d share one of the more amusing aspects to this JOB I’ve taken on, of interviewing hot prospects, who either look good, sound good, or keep on hustling me.

Since this has been a source of delightful chuckles for me, I thought it only fair that I compile a list of some great examples.  I hope you enjoy these.

>>>First, some names are self evident….













>>Then come some that begin to be a little more amusing, strange or puzzling:

twaters ….. I think his name is waters, (first name tim?), at least I’m hoping…

goodwill_looking ….. clever name

coolmark007 …. Is he cool, ya think?

Montepython……….not sure… is this what he Likes, or what  He’s like?

TGIG  ….wish I knew what the last G was for

nitro1077 ….look out!

funcdatt …. Uh huh… ya baby

set free ….. uh, are we talking jail here?

Easygoingnostress …. Just to be clear…

owlreader37 …and he looks like Karl Marx

funcoolseniorfun … 81, is “clean and neat, has lots of movies.”

latinmanlooking….. guess he’s a blonde blue eyed Italian, cause he doesn’t look latin to me, but he knows what the ladies like.

Donaldwild …………oh Donald!

ronrocket … pilot, young, with No Info, and keeps flirting w me… says he’ll relocate.

darkgrey … a scorpio, in an awfully serious pose

partyguyfun ….. ok, just in case you want to get serious…

Sloop707 …. Ok, you gots a boat

>>And then it begins to really get good…..

noirblu …. Lots of pics, in lots of disguises….kid you not!

hotfun …. Need I say more?

Funguyhot…. Ok, let’s give a little more….”I am very sexually active, and like to see great movies and find good restaurants.  I’m not interested in a religious nut.  I particularly like Teachers (hmmmm? A little role playing?).   She has to be beautiful and sexy and highly intelligent and finds interest in almost everything in life.”      OK, just a simple guy, not asking for much… he better be rich…

dammitdan … suffers from Turrets?

romanicfun (sic) … he’s in a cowboy hat, and the pic is circle shaped, like on a spaghetti sauce label…. And he Did spell it that way.

funsnickerbar …. Use your imagination

escapee … “enjoys sexual adventures w right partner, and for her to wear something silky as opposed to cotton to bed” …  uh, where did he escape from pray tell? and well,  he certainly knows what He wants…

nonprophet … cute name…oh this one was 5’3”, an absolutely adorable leprochan in suspenders, a sort of checkered visor cap, with thumbs up and a big grin… he kept sending flirts, and says he’s very supportive of sick partners, and hopes for the same back.

…and saving the best for last….

GR8LAY ….  He’s from Florida, a burly black guy with a big gap tooth grin,  shown casually posing, arms akimbo, against large and famous places, casinos, waterfalls, sweeping scenics, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and looking all buff, and he mentions he likes to Travel, like to Europe and the Caribbean… I think he knows what he likes too…!

Enjoy the day!  I will, cause IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!