Monthly Archives: April 2012

by

… first journal entry of 2005 …

I’ve been thinking about how I got into Brasil, how much the world
has opened up to me since Alcir first stepped into my life.

After him, it was the music first, that caught me.  I would hear a
voice like his, hear that accent.  That music station I found that
played global fusion jazz stuff, where I first heard Djavan.
The world beat program from Mendo, with Lilia, a Brasiliera.
The diversity of music blew me away…

The African beats, the syncopation, the many layered subtleties…
I’d never heard anything like it.  From there, of course the next
was the language.
I could hear the like-Spanish sounds, but again so many more levels
and intricacies … more like a combination of Spanish and French…
it tickled my ear, and brought back his memories… the sound
of his accent… so I got some Portuguese Language tapes, and
began understanding a little.

I began collecting CDs, and saw the faces of Brasil, understood the
cultural mix of Portuguese, gypsies in a way, having been on the sea for forever…the Latin feels… the Indigenous, from the Amazon with
their wild and savage ferocity and their forest sounds, and African
rhythms from the slaves they brought in and screwed.

I learned of the vastness and diversity of the country itself, noticing
programs on Brasil, the Rainforst, the Amazon, the abundance and
the pillaging of resources.
No one had ever taught me that Brasil is Bigger than the States!

I got a couple movies, after the Bravo Station TV showed me
‘ Dona Flora and Her Two Husbands’  (with Sonya Bragga),
‘Bye Bye Brasil’,
‘Xica do Silva’,
and of course Raoul Julia in ‘Kiss of the Spider Woman’.

Here he plays a Brasilian Revolutionary in a Sao Paolo prison.
He So reminded me of Alcir, so angry and discouraged, his young
ideals dashed like stormy waves on the rocks of reality….and
with Sonia Bragga as three different women: the real one,
the imagined one in the romantic story related  to him by his
gay cell mate, and the morphine dream one, well,
I immediately identified, and watched it more than several times.

In the scene where he is dreaming, after pain and morphine have
taken over, in that dream she comes into the hospital and whisks
him away to a small row boat… and she rows him out onto the water,
and although deeply in pain, he begins to relax… and she says:
“This dream is short, but it is happy”  …
well, the parallel was uncanny.

From there, it was Payakan, one leader of the Kayapo trying to
save their villages from the disasters of logging and gold mining…
and more CDs from the different areas and varieties of style.

Sting and Trudy, and the Rainforest Foundation…and then
The Djavan Concert !  that was maybe ’89 or ’90… took Piney and Lily,
danced shoulder to shoulder with a huge room of crazy Brasilians,
and grokked the energies for real.   Such a filling of knowing.

Met Piney in the city at a Brasilian nite club, and drank their fruity
Rum drinks, ate fried Yucca with hot salsa… I was hooked big time.

Oh The Feojoada!  I invited about 25 of my friends for a nite of the
whole real deal, with the many traditional dishes,
…and with Brasilian Movies, and Music playing in
the background all night.  It was a sensational success!
(it’s sort of like their version of Thanksgiving, but I discovered later
that because it is a meal based on African roots and foods… poor…
it is Not enjoyed by more Aristocratic Brasilians!)

The David Byrns compilations, and beginning to understand the
differences between the regions, Rio and Bahia, and all those
reflections in the music styles.
After a few years, I focused more on certain singers and composers,
especially Jobim, Caetano Veloso, Milton Nacimiento, Joao Gilberto,
and of course the old Samba stuff, both traditional street samba and
Bossa Nova, with Jobim, Joao and Stan Getz, from the sixties.
Terrific stuff.
Back in the sixties, I’d seen Brasil 66 at the Hollywood Bowl, with
no clue whatsoever on who they were at all.
Now I listened and Got it all.

**JAN 4th… by now Piney has offered me her Travel Miles, and I
have told him the news.  It’s really happening now.
Well…. he called tonite, and asked if I could call him back, because
his rates are so high there.  It was nice to have him call and miss me.

It seems he had a story to relate to me…  TWO of his exes came by
to see him at the same time, and after fighting with eachother
(scarey women), they Both turned on Him!
Ha ha ha…wish I could have watched!  Brasilian Novellas are
really really melodramatic and full of sound and fury.
So now he’s been drinking Vodka, and was very talkative and funny,
as well as rather philosophical.

He started talking about Colin Powell and Congoleeza, and said
he didn’t trust women who don’t have orgasms… which led to
having a hard on, which he called ‘a woodie’…. whereupon he said
“Oh, this isn’t a woodie…. this is Hardwood” and
so I added ‘tropical hardwood’… mmmmm!

He began reminiscing… “when I kissed you, I felt life.  I was Alive.
We found eachother in a very common way.
With you, I was fucking Life.
I was filling up myself with Life, I was mesmerized by you.
I was not amused with life at that time.

I am not the person I Am right now.
I’m just a regular Joe Drunk… I do nothing.  I don’ have to work,
I do drougs…
But with other weemen, they don’ add anythin’…
they take…I take…
a little piece of ass or sometheen… But…I’ve seen beyond.

Oh, I have a big hardon, where you can sit and make yourself
comfortable.   We’re just a couple of Sr Citizens….”

“NO!  I’m not a senior citizen!” I jumped in…

“I wouldn’t be fucking a Sr Citizen!” he laughed…
” I would be expecting a Boy Scout to come by an say ‘NO!…
you can’ Do that!…. oh here, can I help you across the street?’ ”

We were both laughing now.  He said his bottle of Vodka was
half empty, and with the talk about his cynicism, I chided him
with the old…  ” it’s half Full ” thing…
“Well,”  he said…”if we put you an me together, we have
a Whole Fucking Bottle!”

 

 

by

…holiday journal 2004…

After three weeks of conversation, after sharing memories
that seemed aligned and clarifying, it was nearing the end of
December, Christmas and the New Year soon to come.

During this time, that Poem had been sent, swooning me into
Cinderella dreams, dreams of my hero coming to whisk me away
to an exotic land and an adventurous, new life.

The next morning I called him… it was afternoon there…
“So… did you get the poem?…was it really bad?”
“No, it was good…it…it bowls me over.  You’re so Bold”
“So….what do you think?”
I pause, speechless for the moment.  Then softly, a whisper rises
from my heart…. yes…….yes…..yes, yes, Yes!
“So….you liked the poem That much?”
“No…I like You that much.”
“So… how do we do this?”
“One day at a time, I guess”
“Oh, like alcoholics….ok…I wan’ to kiss you right now”
“Well…our lips are each close to the phone…”
“I know where I’d like my lips to be…”  he trailed off….
…..I could see his smile…

“I can see you naked right now……I remember that”
“What do you remember?”
“Your nice big round butt…I love it…and your voluptuous tees …
…I’m getting hard…it hasn’t been used much in a while.”
“Me neither… two and a half years!”
“Oh, Tight”… his grin was audible.
“Ya… I guess I’m re-virginized.”

“I live on an island,” he began, “in the middle of this huge bay…
Guanabara… it’s Huge, 15 by 16 miles!  The only way to get off it
is by this bridge that is 21 miles long…”
“It’s the family estate, it’s fairly large.  It is where I was born.
They wan’ to sell it, but they can’t, as long as I’m here.
They keep offering me Peanuts…peanuts and banana peels…
But I don’ wan’ banana peels…I wan’ the Banana!”

The next time we talk, he inserts
“…So…that poem I wrote?  I meant Every word.”
And later he comes back with his frustration…
“So…how are we going to Do this thing?  Are we gonna keep on
with this telephone bullshit?”

So it’s Christmas Eve, and I call him as requested.  I have a
phone card that is so amazingly cheap, it only makes sense, and
so we have our own little party, drinking and chattering,  as though
we are really together, and laughing our guts out, on and on,  for
three or four Hours!
It was the closest we’d gotten yet to being together.

He began telling me all the things he wanted to do to me…
“I like holes…. places I can put inside…” with which the laughter just
exploded out of me…. bwahahahahaha!.
Later he said he was hard again….
“Oh… I think I’m gonna have to peel the banana tonight.”

He told me things he’d never said.  He said things about the first
time he saw me, when he saw my body…. he talked about his
Tahoe girlfriend, back when we’d first met.  He said it was nothing,
something about how she was more like a friend, and not a
girlfriend, but I didn’t get much more.

I don’t know if he’s Ever really been in Real Love.  He’s a Romantic
turned Cynic… but in there, he does want a True Love…
“Somebody by my side” he told me…
“If I had someone by my side…”, and I told him that he Did.
“I’m Here…Alcir, I’m here.  You’re Home my darling…”
“..oh…woman…  what are you doing to me?”……
It came softly, and from a distance.

At first when I had called him, his daughter V was still up,
and he was laughing.
“Oh NO!… what deed you doo?  Did you farted?  Oh,
I can’ belive it.  My beautiful little daughter farted…”
All of us started laughing, all of us.

“You know… it’s wrong for fathers to have daughters, because
we are raised to believe you people don’ shit or piss or fart.
Nothing smells….an’ then we hav’ a daughter, an we fine out
all these theeengs.  It destroys all our fantasies!
The myths are Gone…. ”  he was laughing deeply now.
“She has Brake marks in her shorts!”

He had made a complete Christmas dinner, for the two of them,
and for his aunt.
Turkey, rice farofa, some sweet potato thing, some kind of pupu
which lost me in the translation…
White wine the first night, red the second…
“Is this some sort of tradition?” I asked.
“No…jes’ a good way to get drunk…”

Vitoria could hardly handle the wait for midnite, to open her presents.
At one point, she was crying for him to come lie down with her…
I almost hung up, to call him later, but then he said…
“Oh wait…she’s stopped…her eyes are closing.”
and then he asked “Know what I’ve got in my hand right now?”
“Your cock?” I offered…. and a breathy snicker came forth…
“A nice little gram, and now that my daughter’s aslip…wan’ one?”

Hmmmmmm…….

 

 

by

…journal entry december 2004…

“My mind wandered past years of mind games, years of imaging,
and I wondered:  has all this thinking, remembering, replaying
old mind videos made it happen?  Or did I just Know to begin with?
Gazing continually at scenes of Rio, Pao d’Azucar, Corcovado,
Guanabara Bay, the Islands, the Music… and always him in each…
Think of Rio visit, and Always in my mind there’s the thought…
I want him to show it to me.
I want to be with him, and see His Brasil.

The days are getting longer again, and just the thought
makes me smile… Actually the thoughts of more than a few things
make me smile…
Such incredible things to look forward to, such possibilities…
My dear darling crazy Brasilian is down and wounded, and I
wonder why… His left knee is bad, and where did that old injury
come from, which dragon was he slaying?

Haven’t spoken with him in many days, and it actually feels better
to take a break.  The longing festers…
It’s only been 2 weeks since we first spoke, and so much already.
And I must wait 2 months for Passport, 2 months of selling,
2 months of workouts..
Last times I called, he wasn’t in a talking mood. I felt awkward, like
I was irritating him, and that just led to frustration and feelings
of rejection, so I do not call.  He’s in his cave, even though he says
‘call any time you want’…  I want Him to call Me.

So now, for one thing, I realize he lied to me when we were together
before.  He told me he was ‘tirty tree’, but his real birthdate is
four years later.  So he was only 29 when we met!  What a Brat!
A brash and bold, incredible Brat.

Now back to December 8th, his first call:

His questions came fast… Is your hair still long?  Do you still wear
those dresses and long skirts?  You sound the same, he said.
I can see you right now.  I always loved your voice…. he’d never
told me that …

“Yes, I remember the hot tub…” he continued.  “And it wasn’t just
the drugs… we went someplace else.”  (… we had smoked the kind,
but god only knows what else he had done…)
“That was the only time I had Peace.  I could fall asleep with my
head on you, on your lap.  I never did that.
I was drunk most of the time… I was drunk that first night, but
you sobered me up…”

“So….when are you coming to Brasil?  We can listen to Real Brasilian
music, and you can lay down beside me.
I’ll show you the Best of Brasil…”

He told me that after the first email, he had called my old number…
he still had my old shop card, from back in the eighties!
He read off the address, the phone… he’d kept it in a box since
the Legion.  He said it was now a store in town, and
they didn’t know me.
My shop had been called ‘Celestial Dreams’… and up floated the
memory of that time early on, when the phone rang…
“Hello..”
“Hallooo?  eees thees Celestial Dreeeems?”
“….yesss…?”
“Yes….. I’d like to order one celestial dreeeem, pleees….”
(snickers all around)
“Actually,” he added…. I’ll settle for an earthly one…”

So now he continued…  “Right now I am alone.  All the time.  I have a dog.
I swim everyday.  That’s Alone.  I want to get a Boat,
I want to sail and fish. ”   He said he was semi retired,
living on a small pension from the Legion…

“I have no enemies now” he shared.  “And you remember
All my names!  Only my grandmother knows all those names!
And I? ….I remember your taste…. you tasted so good….
…..you tasted like flowers.”

 

 

by

…finding my way to Rio…

Suddenly my life had taken the turn to adventure.  I didn’t even have
a Passport!  The only places outside of the Mainland States that I had
ventured to were Hawaii and Alaska.
Loved Hawaii and could Live there, but Alaska? only wanted to visit.

My time was now laid out… I had 6 weeks to get my act together,
before I left for Rio for a month.
He had set the deadline as February 14th… his Birthday…and so
it was ordained.
I had things to pack and put in storage, for I was staying with one
of my daughters at the time, the one who had secured my ticket….
I had to ensure that my animals were safe and loved for the time,
the Passport App was mailed, and I began making money in earnest.

I am an artist, and have always been fond of a Bohemian life, living
day to day and on Trust.  It has always worked, although there are
drawbacks, to be sure.  Still, my freedom has always come first!
I was happy to learn that US dollars were doubled in Brasil, so that
made everything seem a little easier!

As I was impatiently awaiting the leave, while simultaneously and
quietly freaking out, I continued my ongoing studies of Brasil.

Through the past nearly 20 years since I first met Alcir, the Music has
largely been my passport to the culture, and it allowed me to share in
much of the passion, concern, and vibrations if you will, of Brasil,
and particularly Rio.

I settled on Jobim as my groundwater.  The Carioca accent, the deep
warm voice, full of passionate joy and melancholic nuance.
He was the one to bring Brasil to the US, and his melodies are almost
cliche now…. but no, never trite.
It’s odd, because still a lot of Americans (and I hesitate using that
misnomer, as Alcir would laugh his deep and heartful laugh and
remind me…. “don’ call them Americans!  We’re American too!!)  …

A lot of the US knows the songs if you hum them, but have no idea
of who he is.  They still play “Quiet Nights and Quiet Stars”,
“Meditation”, and of course “Girl from Ipanema” as background…!

As soon as it gets romantic or sexy seductive in a film, here comes
one of the familiars, and I’ve often heard them in the supermarket
(the elevator equivalent these days).

So…. since 1985 it’s been my mission to know just what Brasil was
about, hear the language, feel the voices, and get into the mindset.

Beyond that, it was that incredible Guanabara Bay, with Pao d’Azucar,
the islands, the views of Rio with the Concrete Christ, arms spread
and embracing that dear, ancient city, that mesmerized me.

The populace is as varied as the US in some ways… a mixture of the
Indigenous, the conquering Portuguese, and the Africans they brought
in as slaves.  Fascinating mixtures that creates this race of people
where each face is completely different from the next.
I was intriqued to see that one or the other had lead in the genetic
makeup, with nuance of the others in the back-ground.  Because I’d
lived in Hawaii and saw the same phenomenon, this only continued
the anthropological studies I had begun long ago.

The Indigenous contributed their fierce, wild, free spirit, along with
wonderful instruments and sounds that had worked their way into the
fusion jazz of today…. an area where Brasil excelled with their contribution.
Many of their sounds mimic and include the forest of their origin.

African rhythms are the basis of much that comes out of Brasil, and
the influence in new Jazz directions is obvious.  As well, as in many
other Latin countries, the Africans brought their ancient religion,
there called Macumba and Candomble, as well as Capoeira, the
martial arts practice that will blow your mind!

And lastly, there are the many representatives of so many other
countries who have moved there, run away there, or just somehow
found themselves there… particularly the Japanese and the Germans.
Interestingly enough to me, Everyone speaks Portuguese, which
must be a very unifying happenstance.  But it always provided a
little laugh for me, to see blue eyed Arians and Japanese speaking
Portuguese, and likely with their own accents.

And then the Portuguese.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I’ve felt that they are the Gypsies, the ones
who were out there so many centuries ago, meeting, mixing, mating
and gathering other cultures.   They seem to have brought back many
subtle flavors to mix in, along with the Latin soul and Catholic
mythology that is still so prevalent today.
And I must add here that it has been my experience that the
Portuguese have a superiority complex, and I was to know that
better as I truly met the Real Alcir.

So there I was.  Filling my senses with as much of Brasil that I could.
Learning some Portuguese, understanding the Carioca accent and
style,  (Rio has it’s own regional dialect)… and realizing Rio was
Ancient in so many ways, and with so much history, and learning
more and more about Alcir, and who he Really was, and had become.

 

 

by

…to be or not to be…

You know, I’m beginning to see readers that are checking out my
story from Norway, Hong Kong, Australia, Turkey, Bangladesh(!)
Brasil, and of course the States…

This is exciting!  Although the audience is small right now, to
have such a planetary interest throws me back to one intention
that has been there since before I started this blog….
I’m going to turn this Romance into a Book, sooner or later!

So for now, that’s all I have to say.  But as the days and weeks go by,
I may have some more definite plans to let you in on.  I’d like to make
it available both on line, and in printed form…

I am always interested in your reactions, so Please pipe up, join in,
and give voice to what would make you happy!
And Please note that when you have a thought, do share it with me,
even if it’s brief.  It’s nice to know you’re out there…

Peace to All…..

 

 

by

…the waiting begins…

Oh my, where was I?  I do leave this Tale of Love from time to time,
for a break in the effort, which is a little arduous, but don’t you find
you can’t wait for the next Chapter?  Good!
As I recall, I was having heart palpitations over the poem sent
to me from Brasil.
Passionate and completely mad, still my girlish heart had been
captured, and the desire to share swept over me til I drowned in it.
Girls just Have to share…

There was one person who could grok the moment, and that was
my daughter Piney.

I was living with her at the time, before, during and after she moved
into a new house in our area of Oregon, and she’d been kept abreast
of the goings-on with him.
She had known him during the times he visited me back in the eighties,
and was quite fond of him.  She found him funny, smart and playful,
and a rather exciting character to a kid.
Sort of like a real life Jack Sparrow, all dashing and full of tall tales
of courage and wild adventures… but not so much eye makeup…

It wasn’t long before I got an email from the little miss… who was
now a bit of an international, as her work (promotion for big companies) lead her to travel.

“Re:   sugar and spice and…GET OFF THE INTERNET!”  read the line,
so I did…
…but only after I read the note:

“hey mom,

trying to call you, you must be on line. give me a call when you
get this e-mail.
i have something to tell you…. something you’ll like….a lot.

love,
-pine”

What she had to tell me would now stop my breath as well…. Great…
now I can’t breath, And my heart has already stopped..

She had Tons of Miles to spare, and offered me a Ticket to Brasil…

Oh Good Grief.  Not only him, but Brasil too?  Completely Unreal.
Brain Overload, tape loops, wake up sweats…

So now the plans began, and I had Two Months to wrap up my life,
get ready for another reality, and of course…loose a few pounds…
I Am a girl after all.
He desperately wanted me to be there for his Birthday…Feb 14th…

He was ecstatic, I swung between several states of mind, but mostly
I worked on bringing my brain to the present, and …..
Just What was this Reality that I had called to myself…?

 

 

by

…from a friend…

TODAY

I

Do not

Want to step so quickly

Over a beautiful line on God’s palm

As I move through the earth’s

Marketplace

Today.

I do not want to touch any object in this world

Without my eyes testifying to the truth

That Everything is

My Beloved.

Something has happened

To my understanding of existence

That now makes my heart always full of wonder

And kindness.

I do not

Want to step so quickly

Over this sacred place on God’s body

That is right beneath your own foot.

As I

dance with

precious life

Today.

**Hafiz**

Persian Poet and Mystic

 

 


by

…truth…

I write today about Truth.  The truth in connections, the magic of
happenstance, which of course isn’t happenstance by accident, but
just the Universe saying Yes.

The path provides sign posts, and they become like sacred geometry,
repetitive and redundant, just in case we weren’t listening the first time.

Where and how do not matter.  The noticing does.  The light shines
brighter on the path, and guides us to our destination, be it place or
person, direction or delight.
The Universe is always speaking to us, for we are it and It is All,

When sign posts appear, go with them until they fade, yet do not
loose the faith that was originally given, for it is Truth.

Know that each sign post is a stepping stone along the path to
greater good, nearing the Ever destination that leads to Eternity.

 

 

by

…ryan gosling…movie madness

If you’ve kept up with me at all, then you know that I am a
movie buff.   I Love Good movies, and I love companions who
have great taste in film, and great actors…

With most people, when I mention Ryan, get this sort of puzzled
look on their face, doing their best to recall just What they’ve
seen him in.
And nicely enough, as the Universe dished up a lovely reunion
with a long time ‘friend’, I was also amazed to discover that Ryan is
His favorite actor as well….  a lovely cosmic meshing of minds.

The last few months, I have made sure to check out nearly every
film with Ryan Gosling in it, for I am now convinced that he is one
of the greatest actors ever.

Strangely enough, he started out as a Mouseketeer, and thrown
into the company with the likes of Brittney, Justin, Christina,
and others.
And it’s been my observation that most of these kids turned
actor/entertainer has been pretty messed up by the strange nuance
that Disney seems to hold over them.  But Ryan is different…

If you aren’t hip to him yet, might I suggest Two Films that show his
breadth…  my two favorites so far:
**DRIVE**  and  **LARS and the REAL GIRL**

It’s my bet you’ll be amazed, for he is the penultimate Actors’ Actor,
stretching from
…..steamy, convoluted loner, facing deep conflict with
his life choices, in an ever increasingly dangerous situation, to…
…a strange, sweet and introverted boy-man, living  in a fantasy world
that is conveyed so endearingly as to be tender and comedic.

After that, may I recommend:
The Believer (w Summer Phoenix) ….
Crazy Stupid Love (w Steve Carell)…
Blue Valentine (w Cindy Williams)…
and Fracture (w Anthony Hopkins).

In each, he bends himself to complete commitment to character,
and never fails to hold his own next to the Pros in the industry.

If by then you’re not convinced… well…you’re hopeless.

by

…it’s all now…

Writing is an interesting process.   There’s that word again… interesting.
If you pay attention, you notice changes about yourself… growth,
hopefully, and also a broadening of perspective as you see yourself
as others might see you.

As the years, and chapters, spin by… faster each year, like horses on
their return trip home, one begins to see how the writing
changes the writer.

As I review… Re-View… my journals, I enjoy both the actuality of
the moment, and the perspective I gain about myself.

I still believe the story I am telling is a valid and delightful story,
a classic if you will, with iconic characters acting out some pre-
ordained dance, and I also know that he and I have danced before,
and will again.  For life is not only ongoing…  it is a forever decision
we all have made, and denial is only a brief retreat from what
our soul knows……. The Forever Dance.

A new friend of mine, reading my blog for the first time,  noted that
she hated thinking of me as hung up on some dude, that
she did not see me as someone like that… and so it set me to thinking.

No, my friends, I am not…
Not that type, nor that woman.
This was a chapter of my ongoing life, and I am firmly in the now,
whilst enjoying a story that for me has become something classic
that I want to share.
For there are not only wonderful stories and dreamscapes….
there are things to be learned…. and not just for me either.

When I was a child, I thought as a child, I understood as a child….
… I believe that is some bible quotation, but still it renders true,
for the journals I wrote then were truly as a child.
Love, Romance, and all the attached Thrills were my reality in
many ways, and I have paid the price of that naivete.

I have no need to go down that path anymore, for now I see what
I went there to see.
Love has many flavors, degrees, and depths.  One can Love, and
yes, truly Love at that;  but if that Love is not enlightened by
wisdom and vision, the quest for love becomes a distraction from
the Real, a rush towards emotional sensations, and a mistaking of
passion for Love, of thrills for Love, and worse yet, the choice of
who receives that focus of Love can end up with Love being thrown
at someone who cannot Love at all.

Ah, the Chase, the challenge, the hunt, the seeking of a prize, the
reliving and reworking of past and unfinished scenarios….
I see all these things in my past choices.

I am a different person now.  I enjoy my past movies, but I thankfully
have moved on to a realer place, having learned from my
myriad of choices…
I mean…..How many times before you Get it…?
They may come up above ground once in a while, and wave a little
hello to me, but I see them for what they are, for things I already
have figured out, and I smile at myself.

Interestingly enough, most recently I had a visitation from an
old/younger Love of mine, and for me it was a clear reminder of
what I Really want.
He is clear, high minded, multi-faceted, brilliantly beautiful, and accomplished.  A musician, a writer, a thinker, and…a grown up.

In order to make these things happen, he has not frittered his talents
and gifts away.  Nay, he has made the best of it all, and as we spent
the evening together, I realized that this unassuming and gentle soul
was indeed my Twin Soul in so many ways;  ways that created
seamless mind melds and common ahas…
enough to make you believe in the mystery of connections,
the Mystical Web of Cosmic Consciousness.   And yet in this lifetime,
we each have chosen to pursue the lessons of life that were needed
to fulfill our promises.

I chose bad boys…. he chose complex and neurotic women…
……funny, huh?

Now, we could have chosen eachother, and it would be a blissful and
heavenly blend of all that either could ever want… that became
very clear as the evening progressed,
and much to our mutual surprise.

Instead, we’ve been doing our homework.  I know that we are drifting on parallel paths, and we also know there is a past and
there is a future…….and the Ever Now.

I believe in parallel realities.  I know that these exist simultaneously…
so then I was faced with the fact that it’s all just Fine, that it’s
all going on just as it should, just as it will, and just as we each
decide to write it…
I also realized that the He that he is, that I wish I could blissfully
enjoy right now, is there always, for me once I learn what
I need to learn, once I’m ready to relax, to just Be in Bliss….
Oh, that struggle can be so seductive!  but
it’s like you never Get there…

I know that the bliss is there, because I once woke up from a dream,
and he was still holding me, my pillow his shoulder, and in the
morning misty wakes, I lay in quiet bliss…

For now, I go on learning my lessons, taking my classes in
personalities, and seductive paths.
This visit with my beloved friend has reminded me of how far
I’ve come, and how far I have to go.
It also has reminded me that I Will Not Settle for any less than
exactly where I am, and where I’m going, myself.

At some point there are Bardos that we reach, and we jump…
and move on to new vistas.  I look forward to the next Bardos…
For now, this one has some very nice views and vistas that
I shall enjoy for a while.
The Bliss is there in the future, there in my dreams, and here
in the now as I so choose it.

It’s all here… all of it together …. all Now… all One.