Today i think about the before and after. Before and after the WAR, for this man i am writing about. The Wars he was drawn to, drawn into, and inevitably devistated by. It is my belief today that the man i Met was still enough intact to continue on a rightious path, do marvelous things that he was meant to do, grow, change, evolve, and fulfill his task.
We each have been given a task, a multitude of tasks, to complete in this lifetime. That is our soul’s journey and our assignment, if you will.
But the seductive path of The HERO, draws our men into battle without a certain type of armor, and frankly i doubt there IS armor for the psychological dismemberment that occurs with War. How could there be? And the man i met 18 years later had been drawn into realities that most of us cannot even imagine. Heroes …? really? are any of us Ready and prepared to greet those of us who have experienced things they cannot even describe? share? talk about? no, we are not.
So here i was, with the memory and taste of this delicious young man, wild and brave, willing to slay dragons and make the world a better place, safer for me and anyone else…. willing to fulfill the Hero’s place, and with grace and skill.
And they are slaughtered and dismembered and disembodied to the point that their fractured psyche has no where to reference, no where to ask, no where. What is left is the beaten Hero, confused and no longer earthbound, not really knowing where they are or who they are or who they Should be now.
What are they to Do, now that they have given what they have to give, what they have been told was their’s to give, and now find themselves lost and confused, unable to proceed, unwilling to go back, questioning All that they gave and All that they Were.
Journal, February 2006
I have two pages, side by side… one says YES, the other says NO…
On the YES side, there are all the wonderful things he says…
I see your goodness, I want to rebuild myself from inside you
I love you, your’e the love of my life, the best fuck of my life.
I’ll never fuck another woman
I’ll never lie to you
I’ll always be true to you
I’ll protect you and your family.
Do you want to be Carol Lee Souza?
Please Carol…can you help me? I want to stop drinking and snorting…
Please, can you help me?
This place is killing me… I’m dying… Please can you help
get me out of here?
Marry me….marry me….marry me… (for the last Year)
You are my woman. We were made for eachother.
If you come back, I’ll never let you leave.
I’m so happy… why do I feel so free?
I’m always alone… even with others…with you I don’t feel alone.
Hold me…cuddle me…Just take care of me ….
(and I see the wide open boy face)
And…he tells the guys that he’s Married…!
and then there’s the Other Page, some of the NOs…
I have nothing to offer you.
Go home. go home, and let me die…Please.
When are you leaving? Tomorrow? Good!
Wouldn’t it be fun? to do this once a year? 3 mos/9 mos.
I’m going to burn this house down when I go.
I’ll kill the family upstairs if my plant gets busted.
I’ll never change.
I’m leaving soon…. will you Burn me? Please?
and then there’s the facts that anything of mine around bothers him,
and pretty much if I suggest it, he says No.
…and the fact that he doesn’t tell the women who call him
that he’s married.
He is a full time job……
Journal, January 31, 2006
“So much has passed this week, big ups, big downs, and I do my
best to take stock. There are times when I literally write two lists,
positives and negatives, because I am so confused by him.
Today is a new day. Hes’ UP, he’s moving, and maybe can I say it?
Went for a walk last night… our Second evening walk… and I
mentioned why not go to NorCal and do a crop? We could
buy a boat, doing that.
Also as we walked along the water at the Park, I say that I’m glad
we are too old to do the kid thing…
“Why?” he asks…”I would like to try one more time to do it right”…
and yes, I understand, I tell him, but then we’d just get caught up
in things to argue about , even more than now!
Then I bring up a Project, a Collaboration… and say
“This is what we do instead of a child” and suggest that we do the
Life Story that he’s brought up so many times, that his life and the
telling is the most viable place to start.
So today he wants to start on it. He’s washing clothes, organizing
closets….he’s Moving. I tell him he has to open his Faucets…
Let the Energy flow.
Money is Energy, open it up! He’s started walking every 2 or 3 days,
and although he won’t let me walk with him, he is seeming more alive.
Cooking, Eating, Sex, he is into these, so there’s still hope… there’s
always hope, and when I came, I told myself I would stay until there
were no doubts, one way or the other.
Things can change instantly, they can!
The days merge into eachother, and all I can remember are the
issues, which perhaps is as it should be after all. The progression,
the swings, the ups and downs, as we journey together on this path.
Each good day gives me hope that we are going somewhere together,
and can figure this thing out.”
Journal in Rio, January 20, 2006
“What a three weeks it has been, since I arrived here …
I am learning how to communicate with him, without emotion,
and this seems to be our singular project right now….
His anger, my tears, which of course just set him off more.
I have to be the one to change it, stand up to him, which is
not only scary, but extremely challenging, since he is such
a Master of Bullshit.
He’s used to getting his way by charm, by swift words with
perfect timing, or by bullying.
I must say it is one of the larger challenges I have met in
One quite significant happening last night was the intense
but brief conflagration over money. He asked me for $10,
I asked for what, he said “what do you think?”, I said NO,
then his Breathtaking FIT, one obviously rehearsed from
years of attack and manipulation.
Then he comes over, stands over me, does his STARE,
….seconds pass, and slowly we begin to crack up, and then…
the dark cloud dissipates.
Moments later he just throws in this amazing, clear, brief
“Thank you for not letting me go snort… it’s just a habit,
an impulse… you know, an impulse? I really don’t want
to do it anymore.”
End of chapter. After that, we proceed to have the Best
evening so far….. the TV went off, the music played, drinks
but no powder, with lots of laughs over cooking Camarao
and the snacks I bought…. and he even enjoyed them,
after the Weeks of protests about my shopping for My foods,
My inability to change and my need to Rule (!)….
Can you say Projection?…
and he actually was Present and Funny and I feel like
I am finally learning how to deal with him a little.
These days have so many ups and downs, I can’t keep track.
It’s All about Him, and it makes my head spin, how he is
all over the board.
My instincts were correct at coming here when I did…
I felt him not only slipping away from me, but closing down
and going Dead inside, in his Heart.
Dead Man Walking must be his Indian name! and I keep saying
WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
which really pisses him off…..
Meandering Journal thoughts, after nearly 2 weeks in Rio:
January 9, 2006
“Wearing white, a Brasilian tradition on important days. It shows off
the tan skin, creates a reflective surface between skin and sun.
Makes a woman feel virginal, something revered, as well as something
reviled. What’s that about? ….how classic RC can we get, she thought.
She reposed, she reflected, she responded, she just couldn’t figure.
How could someone so intelligent be so stupid, stuck so full of the
Stench of the Past.
It is not good for humans to be too much alone,…
We are broken into pieces for a reason………..
God alone. Just an Ego, creating, loving, enjoying, talking to itself…
But …..break it into…. oh, let’s see…. a Quadzillion pieces, and oh!
the Glorious Reflections.
Dazzling………Maddening…. and so distracting, endlessly.
So, back to the One, back to the pieces….One, pieces, one, pieces,
She wanted to Scream it… Look Stupid, I’m Here, Ready, in the Now….
You want Results… You want me to reflect you, just like the Dream
Me reflecting You, in your one eyed fantasies… I’m Real…
I am Here because I love you… Or… am I? She even questioned that…
Maybe we’re just the best each of us can do, right now… we’re both
old and decrepit, as you love to keep reminding me….
So … go find something better…. !!
oh! the threat!
It’s all become the old struggle of Egos. Will against will. Who will win?
Well…you Must, or we cannot be a couple. In your world, it is
heirarchical, and Man is on top. In my world, I think I want a Partner,
different but equal.
How can our visions be so different? Ore are they?
Yes, I feel superior in ways….at least i don’t Hate my Father…OR my
Mother, for that matter. I have dear friends that I manage to keep
things well enough OK with… with distance….
Is it DISTANCE that allows for closeness, love, compassion, desire?
OK… in this world of duality, Yes, of course.
But only on a more minor scale, when it comes to life partners…
Some friends once a year, some once a week…
But that ever elusive Partner… Opposite must Be to attract… grow,
but Likeness must Flourish to sustain and maintain.
How to flourish Likeness? Shared experience, a history built up
in time, of things to share, to remind eachother of likenesses.
But how to diminish resistance to agreement?… If it’s my idea,
it Must be bad, wrong, or at least diverted for while until it’s His.
I…Me….Me…. Mine. A Giant shit pile of Ego.”