… a sonnet from the heart …

Mine is a story yet half done
The Telling of it Saddens one.
For Romance true and Beautious be,
but just as True is Cruelty.

So True Love starts and fills the Half,
As well as Kisses and the Laughs…
But then the world both Past and Fore
Undoes what once was……  Nevermore!

And so and thus you know the Plot…
We near the Halfmark, told the ‘What’.
But now Before us lies the ‘Why’ and
‘How’ it is that Love should Die.



Mine is a story yet half done
The Telling of it Saddens one.
For Romance true and Beautious be,
but just as True is Cruelty.

So True Love starts and fills the Half,
As well as Kisses and the Laughs…
But then the world both Past and Fore
Undoes what once was……  Nevermore!

And so and thus you know the Plot…
We near the Halfmark, told the ‘What’.
But now Before us lies the ‘Why’ and
‘How’ it is that Love should Die.


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… it’s all about me …

face in love

face in love

I used to think that Love could do all, heal all, and be all.
I used to believe in love Above all, and that it could conquer
every doubt, no matter the cost, because the ultimate in life
just had to be finding the One and Being in Love with that
other, that mirror, soul mate and journey friend.

I still believe in Love, but in a very different way.
I have grown up, finally, and it feels wonderful!
Real Love, True Love is not attached to any one person….
It is that which is called Unconditional Love.
And that includes yourself, and can include others, and
the world at large, Life itself.

This story is about me, and my journey through and to the
other side of this naiive, albeit heartfelt notion.
It may appear to be about the particular man at a particular
place I was at in my life, but it really is about Me, and how
experiences that we call to ourselves, create for ourselves,
are really such rich learning grounds for reaching for other
levels and bardos of awareness.

Shedding those sometimes thick and tenacious skins can be
painful.   And often we resist, especially when there is love and
attachment involved.  I mean, isn’t love supposed to feel good?
Well…yes… but there are always deeper reasons, and if we are
willing to delve into it and actually look, we can have the great
opportunity to benefit in ways we may never have dreamed of
consciously…. but our Soul knows.

Let your Soul be Your Pilate…Let Your Soul Guide You,
as my friend Sting has said…

We have called this to us… I called this to me, as he called
it to himself as well.

Growing up is hard work.  It means letting go of a whole lot of
shit that we would rather hold close.
Change is hard, and the human animal resists change at all cost.
It’s painful, and it’s costly on many levels.  But nothing is more
valuable to our Soul’s work here on this planet, and particularly
at this time of evolution and transition to higher vibrations and
consciousness that we are a part of.

So this story is an attempt to share not only a remarkable life and
being that I was privileged to be very close with, the heady intimacy
of it all…..It is a wonderful Romantic adventure worth telling….
But it also maps the journey that I took to move through and
beyond all my childish notions that I held so dearly…
Notions about what love really is…
and on to a more stable and rich abundance of Options in my life,
now that I am no longer imprisoned within the confines of fantasy
and wishful thinking, which I indulged in all of my life.
We All tend to see what we Want to see, what we Expect to see…
and often ignore signals and signs, out of our Desire for Love.
And we don’t get a lot of help from the culture we live in!

Genuine love, and truly Seeing someone and how beautiful they are,
how unique and delightful they are, and how thrilling it is to be so
close with someone so overwhelmingly powerful and Full of Life…
well….it is just that…
Thrilling, invigorating, humbling, terrifying and exciting…
the potential crashing together of two Souls filling your imagination…

This Truly was a Love, for Both….but…
As a close friend said, so simply and so wisely…
“Sometimes love isn’t enough…”


… home …

house 3Our home was small and modest.  It was on the lower level of
this old multi leveled place, an old  manor of sorts, something
the family had lived in for generations.
The Grandfather had had it built a long long time ago, and I’m
sure at one time it was quite grand.  But it had fallen into disrepair,
and had this very sad aura about it.

Alcir was born here, and his mother and father still lived on the
upstairs level, although I never saw them.
He was disabled, in a wheelchair, and the only time I saw Her was
one day during my first visit…
I was sunning out on the deck of stone slabs, Not naked I might
add, and she came out on her upstairs veranda and yelled down
at me in Portuguese.

“nao fala Portuguese”, I responded, using one of my favorite
phrases while I was in Rio…
“Tu sabes bla bla bla…”   You Know what I mean!
I got That much… I didn’t know the specifics, but I certainly got
the gist… she neither liked nor approved of me, or my presence,
at that place.  Certainly she had no desire to See me, reminding
her of Alcir and his lifestyle.
I knew there had been other women, many other women, and
she had no idea who I was, or of our history and plans.
That one encounter was enough to not only chase me inside,
from the only sunny area… it also made clear her energies and
angry demeanor.  She was full of hate for him, and he for her…
I sometimes referred to the house as a Karmic Layer Cake.
And she was the Dark Cloud Frosting dripping over the whole
entire place.
And this incident of course led to a giant screaming fight between
Alcir and his Mother…. oh goodie.

Our front room was maybe 12×12, and also served as the
bedroom, the bed being made each evening from the cushions
of the couch.   The floor was concrete, with wooden tiles over
that were loose and shifting, creating concrete dust everywhere.
He threw a small rug over the worst part.   There were ornate
wrought iron bars over the one window, the wall 3 feet away
being the only view.

Attached to this room was a sort of hallway that led to the
shower (cold only), and held the small cabinet where he hung
all his clothes.   That in turn was side by side to an equally small
kitchen, with sink and small table.  It was likely 12×4, just wide
enough for me to lay down my yoga mat, (between one wall
and the sink) when I wanted to do my practice, and get away
from the tv, which was on all the time.
He frequently reminded me that that was a  great way to learn
As I would do my yoga, he sometimes came through, stepping
over me, on his way to the shared kitchen.

Leading out of our kitchen was an amazing old tiled outdoor hall,
very narrow and with stairs leading up to another level outdoors,
where we hung our laundry.  I actually liked this area a lot,
up above.   Sky and quiet.
The walls, tiles and stairs were all a seascapes of rust and
breaking down paint and chipping finishes, creating
something that an artist might try to replicate in faux finishes.

If you went straight, instead of upstairs, there was the laundry
room, with concrete floor which was always cool in those
sweltering summer months, and the cooking kitchen for us
and for Maria.
A four burner stove, pots and pans of the most ancient aluminum
and worn metals, and a sink with cold water, were it’s accessories.

Maria was called Aunt, although she was not actually related to
the family.  She had been companion to Grandma since she was
a very young woman, and was just part of the family.
Now she was alone, and her routine was her life.
There were doors here, one to the outside veranda, and one
to Maria’s.  She had a nice little flat, with several rooms, two
bedrooms, a full kitchen, and lots of food.  I think Food and
the Doctors were her life.

Then there was the front Veranda.  My space.  No one used it,
and the curtained french doors leading to Maria’s were behind
me as I sat, watching the streets, and the people as they traveled
up and down the easy hillside, to the market, to the favellas behind
us, and to little homes that had been there seemingly forever.

The island was built up as Suburbs to mainland Rio, with winding
streets that held the most rundown places covered in graffiti, and
the most lovely landscaped and freshly painted abodes, side by side.

This Veranda was pretty much mine, and the many times I had
to get away from Alcir, or the tv, or the incredible clostraphobic
atmosphere, I came here and looked at that incredible sky,
for it was an island, and weather came and went with great
haste……wind, the people running up the hill to home, then the
giant drops…warm tropical rain and often wild and crashing
thunder, which I loved.
And then the sun would come out, and the island steamed clean.

Alcir and Maria thought I was crazy…. but for me it was thrilling,
invigorating, and Life, in that strange out of time world that both
Maria and Alcir lived in.
During those days, I called him “Dead Man Walking”, for much of
the time his presence was hard to find, fleeting between utter
depression, and the exhilaration he found with drink and powders.


… synchronicity …

How I Love Synchronicity

The film last night was eerily similar to things I’ve
been thinking about lately.  The main character was brilliant,
a genius actually, clever, gifted, abused as a child, and deserted
by the very people who were supposed to protect him…

He was unable to be close to anyone, and always left first,
so as not to Be left.  He did not expose himself to others,
and looked for their weakness, in order to divert attention
from his own fears, and to throw them off balance,
gain the advantage.

Because he thought of himself as unlovable, he could not
venture to love another.  He preferred to keep the distance,
to maintain the fantasy, the perfection of the other.
Real was not something he was comfortable with.

It was so pointedly on, I was tempted to write down some
of the lines.  But the most powerful one, the one that
gathered it all into something that could be absorbed,
and was stated by the shrink was this:

YOUR FAULT, It’s Not Your Fault, It’s Not your fault, It’s not
your fault, It’s not your fault, It’s not your fault, it’s Not
your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not ….  over and over
and over until Finally….
Finally the layers slid away, one by one, and he heard…
He actually Heard and Felt, and the tears came, the
Heart opened, the bruised and battered child allowed
himself to be held and forgiven by….himself.

It did indeed remind me of someone I used to know.
The film is Good Will Hunting… and
it Did help, just a little.


… the him of it …

alcir in his cageImagine someone you See…
Someone who is so beautiful beyond the words to say…
Someone who holds himself in his Own Cage…

Prisoner of Himself…
Held within webs of the past
No matter how you try…
No matter how many signals he gives..
No matter how many times he says… Please…
Help me… Please…

Please can you tell me… what can one do…?

…. i’m publishing this amazing picture of you…


… george …

“Do you remember George?”  he asked…

It was late November, 2005,  and my plans had been set.
I would be in Rio for New Year’s Eve… and he had
Big Plans for the night.
As well, his studies were over, he had taken the Big Test back
in October, and although some relief had set in, the long wait
for results and his Captain’s License loomed ahead.

Remember George? I thought.  Of course I remember George….
George and Angela!  His long time friends in Ibicui, Angela with
her lessons in making…and drinking…Caipirinhas.
Ah, Caipirinhas, Brasil’s intoxicating drink, made from Cachaca
and fresh limes, (pronounced cashasa, a colorless liquor similar
to vodka and tequila, made from sugar cane) mashed to bring
out all those wonderful sparkling tangy flavors of pulp and peel,
with a touch of sugar, pounded over and over in mortar and
pestle, adding sugar, adding cachaca, pounding pounding,
until at last… ready! and strained over ice.
And it was the Best Cachaca…. I had bought the Brandy version
at the Cachaca Museum we’d visited the day before….
Wow, did we get ploughed that night!

“Remember him?  of course I remember George…why ?”

“George was shot.  He’s dead.”

The words hung in the air, from a long way off.  I couldn’t wrap my
mind around the words… I couldn’t speak.
“He was shot by two guys on motorcycles.  They just drove by and
shot him.  It happened back in August, but no body told me,
probably because I would go and take care of it.”

“NO…..!!!  No, oh No.”  I was instantly sobbing, and the memories
flooded back, of the time we stayed with them, of the boys coming
back from the bar all silly and tumbling into the upstairs apartment
like puppies.
Angela with her big smile and warm heart.
George with his roaming eyes, as he met me, taking me in
top to bottom.

“Angela!….”  …my heart leapt…  “what about Angela?”
“Oh she’s somewhere staying with friends.  She left ”

“Why? do you know why?”
“Oh…I guess he was doing something he shouldn’t be doing…”

I remembered sort of understanding that when the boys got
together and went off, there was more than beers and scotch
going on…
They both had a weakness for powders.  Angela and I had stayed
home, and although neither spoke the other’s language, we laughed
and traded words, laughed some more over our accented attempts,
and those Caipirinhas definitely rounded out any differences,
between smiles.

Now I realized that one area where Alcir and George bonded was
their bandido-ness.  When they were together, I saw the bad-boy
in each, paling around like school boys on a mission.

The next layer hit me.  It had been our dream to move to Ibiqui,
this tiny ancient fishing village along the coast north of Rio.
Quiet, quaint, slow…. as we’d walked the cobblestone streets, Alcir
smiled at me, his big arms around me, warmed by the sun and salty
air, sounds of the little boats bobbing.
Slowly, he shook his head…

“Oh Babe….this is Us, Babe.  We could get a little house an you
could sell your jewelry on a little cart on the beach.
I could make a big barbeque out of a barrel…I know how to do that…
an we could cook chicken outside in the yard, an sell it to the
tourists who come here on  the weekends.
I could get a little boat….. we’d always have fish to eat.
I could sell the extras…”

Our beautiful dream, out of time, slow and easy, a time to just
be together and float for a while…. our dream was gone.
Alcir could never live in that town, never again, connected with
George the way he’d been.
It was gone to us.  Ibicui was gone.


…now and before…

It was different this time….this time back in Rio …
Everything had a different feel, except his space, which was
as small and sad as before.
He seemed angry and distant, as though he wished I hadn’t come.
He even told me later that when he saw me and my luggage at
the airport, he was scared, told himself
“Oh no!  she’s moving here !”
as though that hadn’t always been the intention when I left Rio
many months before.
I was confused, and somehow at this point, found ways to
blame myself for his dark mood, which was my way at the time.
I felt as though somehow in the 8 months that
had ensued, he had become a different person.

That first afternoon and evening, we settled in with cooking
and moving things around.  He wasn’t present, eye contact was
scarce, but he talked about his plans for New Years again…
it was the end of the year, I had spent christmas with my family,
and when I was leaving Cali, he had crowed on the phone…

“Oh, yer gonna have the Best New Years Eve Ever!”
He had big plans, and was pleased with himself…

During those last few weeks and months before I had made the
decision to just to Come to him and face it all, he had distanced
himself from me a lot.
He had been studying for months for his Captain’s License Test,
very important to him, and he was often out, often distracted,
and the phones in Brasil go out a lot as well.
It had been torture for me, and conveying any of my reality
to him, just floating and waiting, seemed nearly impossible
at the distance we were dealing with.

Journal entry… 1 nov, 2005
“At this point, nothing is sure, all is thrown to the wind.
I am so full of sadness, confusion, anger, fear, a soup of a mess.
I can’t deal with cold anymore.  I need my own home and car.
I am sick of being alone…and where can I go?
I’ve risked everything, and now I’m the Girl on the Half Shell…
the Waiting Girl on the Half Shell…
For me, it’s all about me now.  I sit tight here, risk as little as
possible, work as much as I can stand.  Hold my money,
hold my mouth.  Commit to nothing. ”

At this point, I felt so adrift, I considered every possibility
in my knapsack of options….
Oregon?  too cold …Hawaii? not now… Stay in Cali? no income…
“He teases me, just out of sight…as usual, and as always, I wait.
I may Always be waiting.  What a cosmic joke it is becoming…
a great romance, and it never gets here.”

Journal 2 Nov … the next day…
“Know what?  I’m going. I’m not going to be played, I’m not
waiting.  I’m not going to react or retreat .  I’m going on the
course I feel is correct…the Course we had planned together.
We need to be together for Both of us.
It will Never be perfect…. it is how it is, and we need to
BE together, and figure it out Together!  We are both scared
to death
We have been eachother’s fantasy, and now, the What Ifs start in…. ”

As he had said one night, one of those nights when he was
conscious and present, and communicative….
“We will put our doubts together, and figure this thing out…”
I think that was the same conversation that included one of his
more hilarious and dark comedic moments:

“I was trying to figure out if I should kill myself or not…. so
I decided to eat some jello…”


…it’s only a dream in Rio…

The plane banked over that giant Bay, with curling coastlines and
mountainous mounds, little lumps poking their heads up, between
the blues.  The Bay that held Pao d’Acucar and it’s little Trams …
….sugar loaf in white man speak …. gatekeeper to it’s glory.

The Bay with the battered ferry boats trekking back and forth to that
ancient City on the mainland… that City built, century upon century,
in styles and cultures from nearly everywhere, as they passed
through on their way to their next incarnation.
The Bay, the Port of a million years, the bridges and beaches of what
seemed a dreamland paradise…

My heart pounded and my breath came quick…
He would be there waiting for me, after all this time.

The view that i’d dreamed of  once again filled my sights, and still
I wondered if I was ready, if I could deal, face the real, make this
thing work in person.
Months of long distance rings, missed connections, echoing words…
please pick up…..what? please repeat.. when will you be home?…
…i miss you, can you call back, it’s a bad connection…. I miss you.

His laughter, his voice, the times he was really There despite the
distances… the photos over and over, holding the connection
like a candle, shielding it from the winds of fear and change.

The unloading, customs, paperwork, luggage, head swirling,
watching and waiting til the moment, and then….
far away in the crowd he stood, and something on his face when
he finally caught my eye brought my stomach to a standstill.

The old Raybans I’d bought him were successful in masking his
mood, but body language, no matter how closely held,
like cards to the chest, revealed so many confusing signals to
my senses, and i fought deciphering them at this crucial moment.
I had to hold to myself, be here Now, wait til he was close and
in front of me to understand.

And then face to face.  I threw my arms around him, and breathed
deeply, hearing his heart, once again smelling his closeness.
He was talking with another man, and shared some sort of irritation
when he saw my luggage.
Eyes rolled, something in the face that wasn’t for me, but for this
new guy friend who somehow understood what was up against.
I felt strangely marginalized.  Part of me was crushed, wishing for
that beautiful rush together that I’d envisioned, the
movie moment replayed in my head.
Part of me knew I had to wait.

I’d brought a big plastic tub, filled with art materials, books,
journals, jewelry findings and stones.  I had to have things to do
in that tiny space of his that only held Him.
I had to hold on to something of myself.
He, after all, was a known factor, and it was easy to be caught up
in the all consuming largeness of Him.
It all seemed quite natural to me, but somehow he wasn’t really
present, something was not aright.
And it felt like a wall…. not of bricks, I hoped….but perhaps of straw,
hay bales, something that i could huff and puff and blow down.

But for now, as we awkwardly trekked to his little Gersel Jeepy car,
we made small talk, and his mood was dark and tired.
Was he glad to see me?  Was he hung over?  Had he not slept?
Was it worry or fear, over amped or regret….
He had that ragged look to his eyes, his skin, that I’d seen before.
He was hung over and sleepless…

After we were in the car, after the miriad of turns and trails, when
we were on automatic, and on our way, did he tell of how long it
had taken to find a parking spot, and how little he’d slept, and
how long he’d been drinking.
The Aeroporto was on the same large island in Guanabara Bay, and
we’d only to drive to the other side to be back in his little cave, where
he could relax and begin to grok the reality bubble we were now in.
He poured drinks for us, and we began.

The Day had come, and here we were… each in our own way doing
our best to come to grips with this rush towards and
away from eachother.


…i’m comin’ babe…

It was autumn, and the Harvest was in full force.
I was fortunate enough to have more than several friends
who worked the green, chanced the marvels of easy money
and big risk.
Friends who delivered The Best there was to offer, and
shared their bounty with folks like me, ready and eager to
help with artistic eye, to create one of the finest products for
humanity…. magical herb, beautifully cleaned and packaged,
with the best energies….if you’re into that sort of thing…
that the Planet had to offer at that time.

I had enjoyed my friends’ companies, living spaces and
comfort zones… extended family for sure.  They knew of my
plan to return to Brasil to be with my crazy Brasilian boyfriend,
and cheered me on…. I was listening to them, to him, and
to MY Self…. and so the day came…

“I’m coming…”  I announced.
“Where Are you?”
“I’m here… in Cali… but … I’m coming.  I can’t wait any longer. ”
I could hear the Thud at the other end of the line.

“I have to leave soon.  I just can’t let my life drift on hold any
longer… I have to either come back, or make plans here for
over the winter… so … I’m coming…”
and then I said something that he’d said to me
Oh so many years ago…

“So…… if you have a girlfriend, you better tell her to Leave.”

So many years ago, more than I’d care to renumerate, he had
called me out of the blue…. I do believe it was in the late 8Os…
and I hadn’t heard from him in more months than I had hoped,
and he Announced on the phone that he was leaving Tahoe, and
would be at my house in a few short hours….
‘So…you’re saying you’re going to be here in 4 hours?” I repeated
in a sort of daze, mind doing it’s best to catch up with Now.

“YES…..So….eeef you have a boyfrien’, you better tell him to Leeeef”.
He said this in his most bandido, revolutionary, deep voice.

I figured at this point, it was only fair to turn his words on him,
and he could likely handle the mirror …

He bullied up to the challenge, said OK, and my plans began
to take shape.

I was going back to Rio.  And I would stay as long as it took
to figure it all out.  It would be Hard, It would be Real…
and somehow, we would figure it All out together.
I believed in US….together… and that we could Do it.
I Believed in Love and Fate and All of it…..
After all …he called me Babe…. and my heart leapt with the sound.