…now and before…

It was different this time….this time back in Rio …
Everything had a different feel, except his space, which was
as small and sad as before.
He seemed angry and distant, as though he wished I hadn’t come.
He even told me later that when he saw me and my luggage at
the airport, he was scared, told himself
“Oh no!  she’s moving here !”
as though that hadn’t always been the intention when I left Rio
many months before.
I was confused, and somehow at this point, found ways to
blame myself for his dark mood, which was my way at the time.
I felt as though somehow in the 8 months that
had ensued, he had become a different person.

That first afternoon and evening, we settled in with cooking
and moving things around.  He wasn’t present, eye contact was
scarce, but he talked about his plans for New Years again…
it was the end of the year, I had spent christmas with my family,
and when I was leaving Cali, he had crowed on the phone…

“Oh, yer gonna have the Best New Years Eve Ever!”
He had big plans, and was pleased with himself…

During those last few weeks and months before I had made the
decision to just to Come to him and face it all, he had distanced
himself from me a lot.
He had been studying for months for his Captain’s License Test,
very important to him, and he was often out, often distracted,
and the phones in Brasil go out a lot as well.
It had been torture for me, and conveying any of my reality
to him, just floating and waiting, seemed nearly impossible
at the distance we were dealing with.

Journal entry… 1 nov, 2005
“At this point, nothing is sure, all is thrown to the wind.
I am so full of sadness, confusion, anger, fear, a soup of a mess.
I can’t deal with cold anymore.  I need my own home and car.
I am sick of being alone…and where can I go?
I’ve risked everything, and now I’m the Girl on the Half Shell…
the Waiting Girl on the Half Shell…
For me, it’s all about me now.  I sit tight here, risk as little as
possible, work as much as I can stand.  Hold my money,
hold my mouth.  Commit to nothing. ”

At this point, I felt so adrift, I considered every possibility
in my knapsack of options….
Oregon?  too cold …Hawaii? not now… Stay in Cali? no income…
“He teases me, just out of sight…as usual, and as always, I wait.
I may Always be waiting.  What a cosmic joke it is becoming…
a great romance, and it never gets here.”

Journal 2 Nov … the next day…
“Know what?  I’m going. I’m not going to be played, I’m not
waiting.  I’m not going to react or retreat .  I’m going on the
course I feel is correct…the Course we had planned together.
We need to be together for Both of us.
It will Never be perfect…. it is how it is, and we need to
BE together, and figure it out Together!  We are both scared
to death
We have been eachother’s fantasy, and now, the What Ifs start in…. ”

As he had said one night, one of those nights when he was
conscious and present, and communicative….
“We will put our doubts together, and figure this thing out…”
I think that was the same conversation that included one of his
more hilarious and dark comedic moments:

“I was trying to figure out if I should kill myself or not…. so
I decided to eat some jello…”


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