… the why of it …

So perhaps, dear readers, you might ask….
Why oh why has it taken you so long to write again?

Certainly there are more than one or two reasons,
but more specifically, the pause began when the
memories of Rio were too sad and painful to relive.
After that, I just let it all sit, processing on my own,
letting him go and allowing some of the positives to
resurface on their own.
I knew he had moved to Norway, barely a few months
after I had left Rio….married a native there  and gained
the privilege of living in a country he had idolized since
boyhood, with his readings of the classics, and adoration
of Thor Heyerdahl and his voyages.
Although in my heart I knew it had been too soon after
me, still part of me hoped he was happy, while
wickedly wishing reality would tear it down…
Yes …. sorry…..couldn’t help it.

I remember the last time we’d spoken, then it was only
the phone we had, and it was a couple months after I had
left in 2006.
“Come back”  he called.  “I have a captainship and will
be on 2 weeks, off 2 weeks.  I make good money now, and
we can live in that village by the beach we went to… we
can be happy…”
“No”  I answered.  “You’ll be gone for 2 weeks, and I
know no one.  Then you’ll be drunk for 2 weeks.  I just
can’t come back right now.  Maybe later…but not now”
He flashed red.
“Never mind.  I’ll find another woman.  I have money now,
that’s all I need.  Don’t Ever call me again….
You’ll be begging, like all the rest.”

“oh Alcir……. you don’t mean that,”  jumped from my mouth.
“Yes…. don’t ever call me again”… and he hung up.

I did call…. but only three times.  Each time he wouldn’t
answer, and I’m not sure, but I’m pretty certain that  I left
brief messages…
Like…….. hi…. will you call me please?

He never did, and I had to move on.  He is a very willful man.
He’s had to be.  Remember… he was a beaten and abused child
by both parents, because he was uncontrollable.
Brilliant, beautiful, and ADHD in days where ignorance ruled.
He was a constant embarrassment for them.  Ugly shit.

So … nine years pass, the emails come, we begin Skyping
and sharing like we never had before, and I realize that altho
he writes prolifically, his Countenance, his enthusiastic and
spirited Self on video is so much more compelling… I realize
that his thoughts, his ideas and perspectives would have more
impact in person.  So we begin recording our shares.
Yes, of course he knew, and knows.  And the idea of a new blog
with well edited takes appealed to his ego, and his visions.
He would Love to know he has somehow made an impact on
the world, and been heard for all his perspectives and wisdom.

All this was stopped for a time, because of a certain person
who had it in mind that it was inappropriate for the status of
this particular person, and a bombardment on his emails and
messages began in such earnest, the stress of it all (and having
to leave Norway in the winter storms… another story) put him
in the hospital on several occasions.
He asked that I temporarily put a hold on anything to do with
him on my blog for a time.  And I agreed, out of love for him.

The particular individual mentioned began hounding my
blogs, sometimes there were 50-75-100 hits from Norway.
Searching through ancient writings, this individual obsessed
over things written years ago, and began Writing me.
Obsenities, rantings, name calling… and I published them
briefly, so that I could respond in a firm and dignified manner.
“Get a LIFE” was basically my message.  And once again Alcir
was bombarded with phone calls and rantings….it was crazy.

So……… things have developed and he has now told me that
I may do as I wish, that he Wants the new blog with videos to
be a reality, and that he doesn’t believe in censorship.
NICE!  so there you have all the dirty details of the Whys….
and my Notes From The Love Wars continues!!
May Light and Truth abide.

p.s…See……  “it’s time” … a few postings back…

… where he’s at …

Shortly after I wrote that letter … responding to his approaches…
he wrote me to further explain who and where he was now.
(March 3, 2015 … nearly 9 years after I’d left Brasil.)

“Carol

I did not aged gracefully or for that matter i do not feel that i
deserve to be alive; in especial due to have fulfilled all my dreams;
i do have my sailboat were i am living in and planning to cross the
Northwest passage this summer and become the first brasilian
to do so alone; i was supposed to be happy and distant of the reality
of the world that do crumbles and stagger towards another gigantic
conflict and i am in part responsible for it ; i should had to be more
competent and killed many more iraks in especial from the
intelligence branches that today are the islamic state or isis;

No i am not giving me too much credit, i recognize that actions of
the usa and all other governments involved in the middle east,
afghan and iraq wars since the investments to crush the Soviet
invasion in afghanistan and later after the victory stopped with the
infra-structure build up giving chance to the ignorance of the taliban
to appear and succeed all the way to the twin towers;
Also the corruption and intelligence abandonment of the iraq gave
rise to the excrement’s that we see today with the beheadings and
burning’ s alive;
I, different of those governments assume my responsibility in not
doing enough to stop the madness that did come; I have no post-
traumatic stress disorder ,what I do have is a coherent responsibility
and I do not deny it or try to hide it under the carpet;
I did not watch the movie in question because I was there and do
not need fiction and propaganda in order to know what happened
in combat situations, in especial in the very specific relation that
snipers have with the war scenario due to loneliness and a need
to make god like decisions.

I did look you up again because of my knowledge and regret of what
happened with us when you were in brasil; I do apologize sincerely
for my actions and short comings as a man and as a human being;
I hope that you be well in Point Arena (look in my g+ the video of my
B-Day and see Point Arena in there) and loneliness for me is the best
thing; better alone than in a lousy company) .
I did made my choices and to be alone at this point
is the cherry on the cake .

Again all my best !

Alcir ”