Back to chronology I go, and please remember Dear Reader, I often jump around.  I promise to keep you informed of where you are with me today, so that you don’t get too hopelessly lost in my brain pockets.

After the first few look-throughs, a guy came along that seemed rather interesting.  He was a lawyer, did pro bono work, used to be a radical, had pictures of Picasso line drawing prints on the wall behind him.  Sparce minimalistic spaces, but hey, it’s likely his office.  He’s slender, looks sweet, a Nam Vet (hmmmm…but it’s my generation) and when I look at the pics in uniform, he has this body language that looks sorta soft and a little beaten.

I ignore this.  He was probably tired that day….

We begin writing little notes, and he is smart and well intended, and soon I see he’s ‘Favorite’ –ed me.  That means I go in a special file for him, and a special file for me too, and I get a notice.

It’s my first one!  So I favorite him back…..  and I get a **Kiss** in the old In-box.  Hmmmm (sorry, that’s Your mind there)…

So he immediately suggests that I “come on down, I’ll cook”.

Well, that’s cute and all, except that he lives 200 miles away, oh maybe Four hours’ drive…. Not really my cup of tea, thinking about being stranded somewhere at someone’s house I don’t even know, fer cris’ sake.                      My note is short and sweet (really!)…..

Something like:  not in the mood right now to drive four hours, just got off the road from a winter in SoCal and 3 day trek, but it was a sweet idea…. Sort of thing.

And I added…. Hmmmm …..maybe it would be fun to Talk on the Phone or something….?

Never hear from him again.  No, Not Kidding here…….Geeeesh….                       He sure didn’t Look like a Player…..

One time weeks later, there was a quick cautious IM there on my screen….  Oh!  It’s from John…..  he waited maybe five seconds…. And then he was Gone.

Disappearing Acts.  That’s a chapter in itself.  And I do believe it is another Type….. Number 4….      Are they chicken?  Get cold feet?  Change their minds and don’t know how to say it?  Have another chick on the line?  Likely lots of reasons, but No answers, so they all go in the Disappearing File.

The next one was sort of interesting.  He kept pestering me, and frankly I thought he was simple and a little boring.  Likely I was right in the long run.  Often times our first instinct is correct, but I tend to be the “don’t be so bloody judgemental already, give the poor guy a chance” type.   Which is likely one of my major MOs that get me into the predicaments I find myself in.   Rescue, compassion, ‘aww, bring the puppy in from the cold, I have lots of milk’ …sorta state of mind.  …..What…?

So he shows one picture.  Him in the woods with a chain saw.  Now I love manly men, don’t get me wrong.  He’s lookin all burly, all ‘I-can-do-it-all-and-smile-too’ sorta thing, but frankly he didn’t have much to say, so …. What’s one to think?   What ever you want to, I guess…..

The weeks go by, and every now and then there’s a short, brief, (did I say short), email from Michael.  Well that’s his name on the site.  Michael something.

He talks about nature, asks what I mean by Nature is my Church ( uh…I’m thinkin not too complicated, but…)  and when I explain, he says something deep like ‘Duh’, and so then I have to tell him, must fess up to my First and Foremost response, before his persistence wore me down….the chain saw act just doesn’t put across the vibe of the Nature Man.                                                                                       Manly yes, nature no.

Well, this gets him going, and along with mentioning that he’s so So curious about me, and that I’m So pretty (third time), he says he just Got that chain saw, was cutting a felled tree, cleaning a neighbor’s place, blah de blah, and ends up smelling like some really nice herbs, with roses thrown in .                   So, I start paying a little more attention to ‘Michael’, who turns out to be Gary later on, and that’s a nice name too, but I prefer Michael….                         Don’t ask why, just do.

We go to straight emails, and he sends me pics…. Everyday…. Pics of the House he built, tales of the houses and lands and businesses …. One was a Health food store…. That’s hopeful…..  and I think well, hell, this is a man of substance.  Maybe not a lot of words, but here he is with thirty some odd acres, a house he built with 3 bedrooms….. it’s really cute with the front porch and timber supports, and that cabin-y feel….  And I can see myself moving down there (yes, it’s south, and anything south appeals to this NW Oregon girl), and near some really fab towns like Ashland, and a day’s drive from the NorCal coast, and sheeee-it.                                                                                I could have my own room, put flowers on the porch in big pots, start a nice garden that I’m sure he would plough for me…..Sounds like a possibility.

He can Perform.  He sends pics of him on a bike, scarf tied around back like a biker, and pics with his buddies, and he looks like a big cuddly bear guy, which I have soft places for.

And he LOVES my writing…. Keeps sayin that…. Loves my writing……                                            oh tell me more baby….

He tells me he’s ADD/ADHD, and I respond No Prob, because actually, I understand them pretty darned well.  Lots of friends of mine, and my brother too.   They are just with special ways and powers, and are usually brilliant, so I actually enjoy their brand of brain chemistry….  One thing for sure…. They’re not boring.

One problem.  As the weeks go by, the conversations usually go like this:    Today I blah blah, got this done, took a nap, beautiful evening, we could sit on the porch and tell eachother stories.

Ok…. I can dig it.  But a little romance, some talk about Something, Tell me some stories, and a little impressing me first, please, before we settle into Ma and Pa Kettle-land.   In case you, my Dear Readers, do not Grok this reference, they were a series of movies back in the forties, a bit comedic and slapsticky, the ole down-home-cookin-flapjacks-on-the-griddle, chase the chicken outside sort of genre films that my Dad really enjoyed.                     And Grok?  Well, read Stranger From a Strange Land.

I’m getting bored.  My problem, but I’m being honest here……. Bored……..  I suspect this guy is best served Warm and in person.  And I truly wish I could just transport myself down there, and feel an afternoon with him, check out the lay of the land, see what’s possible with this fellow…. Acreage and large cabin-y house, with a guy who can build things sounds really nice about now…. but it’s down to the State Line, about 6 (at least) hours away.

So I say Hey!  How bout we move this ( insert the R word ) to the next level, and you give me a call.  Wouldn’t it be fun to talk a little?   I include my number.

The next email is typical chatty in three lines.  It’s cute and winsome…. turquoise dolfins swim in the background……But he does not address the Question/Suggestion.

My next email…Hey!  why not give me yer phone, and I’ll call You sometime…. And I said something light and silly about maybe him having a girly voice and I don’t care ..haha..  Whatever….sorta thing…..                             Next email….. blah de blah….  Nada.

So I left it.  And apparently he did too.  Maybe some chicky grabbed him up, what him with a house and property.  You know how those women folk can be.  They’re downright aggressive, if you know what I mean….. I’m not, at least anymore.  I let things ride, let them percolate, mellow yellow.    And he being a man of little words, couldn’t just come the fuck out and just Say it.  Whatever it was…..?  was he intimidated by my wordliness?  Did the very thing he said he Liked now Intimidate Him?

A few weeks later, I am curious, and also a little bummed that I can’t fantasize about going down to near the NorCal state line and checking out this possibility for this very woodsy woman here, that really, truly wants to go back to the woods.   So I drop an email to this Gary-Michael guy.

“Hey there”, I say. “You sorta just dropped off the planet there, and I was just wondering if there was something I said or didn’t say, or if some new girlie grabbed you up, or what ever.  Just wondering what the reason might be that I haven’t heard from you in so long…”

The answer came very immediately, and in the form of Two emails.

Email 1……   “The Answer is……………..”

Email 2……   “…. there is no Answer…”

Oh Excellent….  Nice……Thank You!……Go figure please…..  Do not understand here ….     For me, a girl, I go…. Does he want me to pursue him?  Does he want me to go away?  Does he not know what he wants?…                              I opt for the latter, and let it go.

So….. mr house and property…… mr lawyer good doer……. All Gonesies.                                  No answers, no goodbyes, no Guts…..

Oh well….. plenty more where they came from, I guess.  Trouble is, I have to read all their stories, and I just want some great hunk to be in front of me as           I believe in serendipity, and I Really Believe in Chemistry.                                       And may I say……….the internet is not Chemistry Conducive…                          Strange, this whole Context, cold and distant, safe yet completely unpredictable.    Anyone can say Anything, Be Anything…                                   ….. and how do you even Begin to Know?

As the weeks go by, I find these likely fellows fall into categories….                    1….. guys that are pushing 80, or already there, and very sweet and  very lonely, and I find myself feeling really badly for them.    Not bad enough to make a move, but it is beginning to make me sad how many lonely people are out there.

These guys offer such delights as :  “I have Lots of movies”  or “I like to go Out for lunch” or “Looking for a lady who is Neat and Clean”  or “My cat rules the roost” or “Looking for someone who can walk….”                                                             ……Oh sorry, that was “Take Walks”.

2….. This category is an interesting one.  There are a bunch of guys in their 50s, who frequently post a site with No Photo, or just one studio quality pic, and where it asks to say something about yourself, they write something clever like “email me”….                                                                                 What the heck?  Then I think…. Hmmmm… these guys are approaching  older women, and somehow I get the feeling that these yunguns are looking for gratitudinous babes…..                                                                                             You know what they say about how great it is being with an older woman…? Answer:  they’re so grateful.   Dontcha love it?

3….. Players.  These are Professionals, ones that have been there a while, and likely will Be there for a while, and they know their stuff.                                 They’ve been around the block.                                                                                 They know the ins and outs and ups and downs, and they move quick…         I know how that sounded, but actually, that too.  Having come up against a couple of these, literally I might add, they’re looking for Instant Intimacy.            No time to waste.

That reminds me….. I’ll get back to the list in a minute( or next week) but my First and Only Actual Date so far was one of  the  Number 3 Variety.

He sent a Flirt.  That generally consists of some very cliché happy face dude, or a heart beating, something that you won’t mistake for original, and says basically…..

I Like You….   Noncommittal, but an opener.  Not looking for rejection actually, just feeling it out…. So to speak.  Ewwwww…..

So we email a couple yaks, then he instant messages me, and since I’ve had a glass of wine, this quickly moves to “wanna call me?…..Right now?” zone.

He does, we do, and before I know it, I have a date with someone who           is coming to My place, meeting at a public spot, it’s for early in day and I suggest we can go for a walk at the wetlands (heaven), and we laugh a lot and agree on a few stupid things in life, leading me to believe there might be chemistry.  He actually got to a place where he was laughingly suggesting that he could bring me coffee in the morning, and as soon as my tone changed, he agreed that the afternoon public meeting was much safer.    Hmmmmm…

He calls the morning of, and is sick.  I suggest he might be nervous, as it’s his stomach, but you know guys…. Naaaaa.   Later that day, he’s feeling fine, and ‘can I still come….?’   That was Come…   Ewwwwww…

Ok, I guess…. But it will be evening, and we all know where That leads, and     I’m just not ready to even Think about that one.   Ewwwww….                     This just isn’t how I’m used to meeting guys…..

So I’m sitting in my car on the street, the meeting place (a wine bar) is closed, and I’m wondering where the hell we’re going with this.  I mean, it won’t be long before it’s getting dark, and what can you do in a small town on a Tuesday night, and…..

A car turns around the corner, and pulls over.  He looks at me and raises his eyebrows, making big eyes.  I smile….

As he gets out on the street and does the lock the car thing, well  I’m struck  …. Hmmmm  I thought he said Good Looking.  Oh well….. Athletic?  Hmmmm…. Well…? …under the clothes maybe, it is Oregon after all, but speaking of clothes….. well….?    he certainly didn’t make an effort in that department.  Shabby chic?

Nope…., dirty shoes, looks like he slept in those pants.  Maybe he’s just confident.

He walks straight to me, and plants a big fat kiss on my unsuspecting mouth, before the thought even crossed my wide eyed mind.   I sort of gasp I think, definitely there’s an in-breath…..instinctively pull back, and smile sheepishly, with a dash of shocked.   What the…..?

So then we’re walking and he is saying how my pictures didn’t do me justice, how I’m a “Doll”…..and “can I touch your hair?”, as he eagerly strokes my head.

Touch touch touch….. he goes.  I’m not ready for this, but we’re walking fast up the street, looking for the next place to sit and wine and talk.

Well, the guy never took his hands off me.  Sometimes Unsubtle enough          that I had to like….move his hand….!       Really!      I was sort of a combo confused/amused/miffed.

Yet I liked him, we laughed a lot, and I let him pay, having read that guys Like to do that.  Ok, I can digit, that part at least.

After glasses of wine and a shared sandwich, and a couple hours, we     stumble out, and I suggest that before his 2 hour drive, perhaps he can drop by my humble abode (I’m not exaggerating here) .   I’m thinking …. Hmmm lots of laughs, apparent agreement on many things like music and politics, and humor, which is super important.

He follows me like a dog after the hot bitch swinging her tail, and we “hang out” for a few.  He Loves my Air Stream, has lived on a boat long time, all that BS, and then he gets up and leaves, and a little abruptly.

I’m left thinking….well, he’s not that good looking at all, he dresses like shit, his hair is gray, not brown, and he’s not what I’d call athletic, but…..

He knows wine, he has a good and interesting job, he is obviously Crazy about me, and he’s earthy, which I like (although when he walked into the ladies room without a knock, and took a stall, laughing something about    the men’s room being closed, my Body cringed, and I’m no prude).

Still I go to sleep giving him a warmish Hmmmmmm…..sort of a C+

Morning brings the thought that, well…. We could have fun.  I’m not especially turned On by him, but that could grow….   Being touched is nice, even though he was a little Early on that one…

The email……….How nice!  the morning-after call.

“I had a great time last nite.  However (is that like But..?)  I have decided not to Pursue you.  “  and then the basic ‘have a nice life’ thing.

What?  You’ve Got to be kidding.  No fucking way.  He’s someone I would not pick up on at the bar…. He’s lucky to have Touched me.  And What..?  not Pursue me?

Well, after a couple what-the-fuck emails, turns out something I said set        him off, even though at the time he had joined in and chatted, (chicken shit) and now it seems I have offended him, and he recommends that in the future I keep that sort of thought to myself, and not offend the next guy. ……….. What?   Exsqueeeze me?

Oh well….. it fades fast, and I’m left feeling pretty sure that he was and Is a Player big time…. Sniffin out the hungries, lookin for a snack.   Wanting Something I call Instant Intimacy.

What I had brought up was in the form of a Question…. And because my girlfriend and I were talking about it just that day, I asked him if he thought guys didn’t really value what comes too easily.  I’m talking sex here, because my friend and I compared notes about having round heels, and seeing no reason to play games, and wondering later why we weren’t taken seriously in the long run.

So granted, he’d had a couple glasses of wine (I’d had one), but he seemed   at the time to just sit there and discuss this issue with the sort of detachment that I was handing out.  Certainly not directed at Him, just wanting to see how guys thought…  And he had Agreed with me! But in the     morning, as he remembered it, I had Said that a guy has to Work for it.            Hmmmmm…..

Later that day it dawned on me.  He knew he wasn’t gonna get it right away, and just moved on.  All that fawning…..All goal oriented.

Yup….. and bet he’s got more than three going already.  An easy go lucky guy with a job, and a motorcycle…. Oh, and mentioned he played drums and bass in a band… (a band that doesn’t perform I later learned), and oh ya…. One more little detail that lingered on my tongue, like camembert cheese….. he’s got a Masters in Psychology…..

Can you spell PLAYER….?

So the site comes up on the screen, and first of all, I hate the format.    Don’t know why….. just hate it.  Looks hard and linear…. And, well… OLD!

I begin filling in the blanks, answering things like my birthday , where they list your sign ……and I’m thinking…  maybe that’s because we’re from the groovey sixties?   There’s the obvious, like marriage status, kids, hair and eyes (yes), and moving towards the bottom there are some important questions:

How punctual are you ?

Do you like movies ?

Do you like live theatre ?

Do you like reading ?

How patient are you ?

There’s a window on the right, where you can page thru and peruse just What’s on the Menu ……… Hmmmm …..…..  I don’t think I’m hungry right now. ……. Maybe later.

Later… I begin to get some old guys checking me out.  They look really old.  Oh, and there’s a Flirt coming thru!……..Oh, ok, he’s sorta cute.  Ten years younger, which I like, what I’m used to, actually…..

Shit man, I’m well preserved………(….Hmmmm wrong choice of words.)   I’m still cute…. ………(..Sounds desperate….)     Ok…how bout “I’ve been taken for ten years younger for decades”  ( true… but…ehhh, that decades part is wrong….)

I read a few of these fellows’ presentations,  all the while remembering that favorite cartoon of mine, the one with two windows.

On the left,  is a woman looking in the mirror.. she’s quite acceptably good looking, but in the mirror is a fat saggy dog of a girl on a bad hair day.  In the other window is a guy in dirty underwear  with a beer belly and a comb over, looking in the mirror……..and smiling back at him…….it’s Antonio Banderos !         The title is   “what She sees  and  what He sees”…………                                                  Always remember that, girls………

One of the questions to answer is about your looks.  And your choice consists of Average…. Good Looking…..Very Good Looking.       I would venture a guess that fully three quarters of these (I’ll be nice) fellows, call themselves  Good Looking….

Most of them also have chosen…. Body type?:  Athletic….Are you romantic?  Very!………… How punctual? Frequently Early…. Do you Cook?  Love to cook!….  Love to read!….  Love live theater!…. ….Mmmm hmmm….

Are we seeing a pattern here? Why are all these hot and gifted fellows even single? My god, they could please a Goddess….

Am I jaded?  Have I been spoiled by life and hot young guys I have known….?       The more I look, the more depressed I get.  Jeeees, and        this is so much work!

The worst part is when you have to say no to some guy you wouldn’t let light your cigarette….. if you still smoked….    I want to say  “sorry guy,  you gotta be kidding….. Have you Looked at This here?  I mean……..Check it Out!  …….  And you still send a flirt?     Are you brain damaged?    And Then I remember that cartoon…..

But no…. I carefully compose a rejection letter worthy of the Dalai Lama,in Tact, and Compassion for my fellow man….

“Hello!      “How nice of you to send me that cute little e-motions smiley face!   That was really adorable, and thoughtful as well.   And I Loved the pink butterflies around the edges!   “You seem like a very nice fellow, with great taste and a wonderful family of dogs.    And I Love your avocado throw pillows!  However, I think we just don’t have that much in common” ( and you’re way too old for…….. nope………. Stop it!……….  he’s my age )  “and being that you live over an Hour away from me, well,  I’m just not into starting a long distance relationship with someone “…. (someone in bedroom slippers, sitting on a brown striped couch in your undershirt, kissing your dog).     “I do wish you lots of luck finding what you’re looking for !….     Sincerely….  me…”

Good god, the guy was 78 years old, living in a trailer, with yellowing  plastic blinds behind him and a ball cap covering his comb over…. Oh, and he brought up Sex in the most delightfully tempting  way………..                                            “And Sexual Intercourse would not be a Deal Breaker…”                                    Mmmmm-mmm…… this guy’s got Charisma…

Next:…. A first Almost Date.

Life is strange.  It usually is at some point or another, but I’ll tell ya, right now in these strange days, times are indeed Very Strange.

I am what’s considered a senior.  I myself do not consider me as such, but in the world at large, that’s the category they choose to put me in….  as well as female, mother, grandmother, hot, sexy, young, creative, and crazy as they come….  When I choose to be.    I can also behave when necessary.

Right now I’m single.  Have been for a while, but it feels like I’m more single now than before when I was single.  Is it me?  or is it the Times.  I have decided to keep a sort of journal, remembering always to also keep my sense of humor in the process, because if that gets lost, I’m a goner.       

This will be a journal of Love and attempts at Love in the right now crazy days of the Twenty First Century.   And may I say God Bless Us, Every One.