“When I kissed you, I felt Life…
I was Alive…
We found eachother in a very common way.
With you, I was fucking Life.
I was filling myself with Life.
I was mesmerized with you.”
Photo in Tahoe, 1986
Journal, January 31, 2006
“So much has passed this week, big ups, big downs, and I do my
best to take stock. There are times when I literally write two lists,
positives and negatives, because I am so confused by him.
Today is a new day. Hes’ UP, he’s moving, and maybe can I say it?
Went for a walk last night… our Second evening walk… and I
mentioned why not go to NorCal and do a crop? We could
buy a boat, doing that.
Also as we walked along the water at the Park, I say that I’m glad
we are too old to do the kid thing…
“Why?” he asks…”I would like to try one more time to do it right”…
and yes, I understand, I tell him, but then we’d just get caught up
in things to argue about , even more than now!
Then I bring up a Project, a Collaboration… and say
“This is what we do instead of a child” and suggest that we do the
Life Story that he’s brought up so many times, that his life and the
telling is the most viable place to start.
So today he wants to start on it. He’s washing clothes, organizing
closets….he’s Moving. I tell him he has to open his Faucets…
Let the Energy flow.
Money is Energy, open it up! He’s started walking every 2 or 3 days,
and although he won’t let me walk with him, he is seeming more alive.
Cooking, Eating, Sex, he is into these, so there’s still hope… there’s
always hope, and when I came, I told myself I would stay until there
were no doubts, one way or the other.
Things can change instantly, they can!
The days merge into eachother, and all I can remember are the
issues, which perhaps is as it should be after all. The progression,
the swings, the ups and downs, as we journey together on this path.
Each good day gives me hope that we are going somewhere together,
and can figure this thing out.”