Tag Archives: twin souls

by

…a total review of the heart…

It was time to look at the big picture once again.
There were feelings, but just what were they?
Was she delusionary?  Spell bound?  Captivated?
Caught up in her own fantasy world?

How Long this had gone on, certainly lent a large piece to
this pie, and she looked back in time, to the beginnings,
to the feelings, to who she was and who he was.

Certainly in the very beginning, he caught her off guard.
He possessed aspects and abilities that he’d obviously honed
all his life, and confidence gleamed off his flanks.

A good looking man learns early that he has advantages over
more ordinary ones, and the whole dance of seduction comes
so easily, and quickly offers rewards.

Yes, he easily got her attention, and they say… if the fellow gets
to show her his act, that means she is already interested.
But such confidence from such a young fellow, someone
she’d just met, who had just walked into her home, aroused
a certain caution in her, and rightfully so…
And yet, as the curiosity peaked, so did the
red flags start to fly…

Curious would be the key word here.  At first mildly, then
progressively more intently….and as he unfolded his kit of
charming tricks, she began to be fascinated.

Still, caution took the lead, and there was this gnawing fear
attached to the fascination, and she held him at arms length
for over a week, looking askance at him, checking him out
in a way that kept him from knowing that he was, and
How he was,  being measured.

When at last she decided to let him in, the terror turned to a
thrill of the unknown but with great promise, and … well…
he didn’t let her down.

He made her laugh all the time.  He told her tales of slaying
dragons and rescuing maidens… His accent was adorable, and
we all know how much American girls love accents.
And he was more than a little bit dangerous, mysterious.
The love making was other worldly, and for both.
She could tell.

Now this last part was just a continuation of her love of bad boys.
She had always been a good girl, so it was only a natural attraction.
Early Brando and James Dean films clued her in to what more
convoluted characters might bring to the
Very Interesting table.

She’d checked out enough good guys to know that a goodly
percentage of them were boring as shit, and frequently
control freaks as well.

This guy was so different on so many fronts, and she knew that
she’d not only have fun… she’d learn a bunch.
And believe it or not, this was, and always has been,
a big priority in her life.

Their time together was brief, limited, coming in dashes
and spurts (no pun intended, unless you’d prefer it that way)
and the adrenalin highs and seratonin bliss Moments
solidified, for her,  into attachment.

Once he was gone, and she knew he was Gone, things quieted
down, but he never quite left.  There was always this haunting
feeling that he could show up at any moment, and although this
had certainly been reinforced by past actions, it was also backed
up with that Call from Brasil two years after their last meeting.

Completely off the wall, Completely unexpected, and
a Completely Perfect movie.
The mere fact that he’d kept her card and number,
even after being in the Legion… in the Iraqi war…
…oh, actions, my darlings, actions…

His words in that conversation… “I’ve never forgotten”..
and……” a time of peace in a life of war”…
and for her, the sweetest and best of all ……..
“it is not often that a man can find peace.”

By then, It all was Ink, Deep Under Skin.

Still, 18 years passed in all, 16 since their last melding, and
when they actually began courting eachother via internet
and phone, it somehow just picked up where it had been left,
and somehow just intensified.
It was 2004, yet There it was…….still…

They actually talked…for hours.  Bodies no longer interfered with conversation… it was their only means, and they used it well.

Being there… in Brasil… feeling the trueness of not just
the Chemistry, but
the Mind Melds… ..music, movies, jokes, attitudes,
twists and turns of thought… it was all there and more.

Sleeping next to him was pure Peace.  No other word…peace.
She was stepping into it fully, looking at it fully….
And it held up under scrutiny.

And after a month with him, after lots of reality and moods,
tests and turns…
still he was growing on her, in her, with her.

There just came a point where this thing…right here…
was something so unique, so beloved, and
there was No Way she was going to pass it up.

As she reviewed the phases and stages they’d gone through
together, she came to the conclusion that this was Real.

She’d seen a great deal of him, inside and out, and still
She loved him … she really did…
and in new and altogether deeper ways.

The unfolding stories of his life…  touched her heart.
She understood him, not all, but a lot, enough to know that
he was something so unique, so brave and beautiful.
And she wanted to understand him completely.

Yet the newness of him, every day, not only amused her…
…it gave her great hope.  He was ready to grow, to change.

The move from Romantic love to Real love… for her anyway…
was a genuine and trackable progress, and no, she could not
doubt its validity now, no matter how confusing it became
at certain times, no matter how many times he …. perhaps…
…tested her….

Now realize, this was just inside of her.
She had no Real idea of what he was Really feeling.

Because of his mood swings…. and we’ll talk about those later…
she wondered how this man could span such a dichotomy
of reports… from brilliant reflection to romantic insight,
to the most vile and hateful rhetoric….

He was trying, that was evident.
And it was not effortless…
that was also evident.

But the words… how could anyone say the Words that he
came up with sometimes….  How…?
without their being Real…

She trusted and prayed that she could believe in his Love…
for the expression of his love for her was beyond this realm…
it had a certain mark of eternity.

 

 

by

…a watershed…

Friday, sometime early March 2005

Last nite was a watershed of story, as he poured the scotch
and poured his heart.
It started after he came home, after going out to get smoke, and
coming back two and a half hours later.  He goes to the favellas
to score, and although I worry about that, he tells me not to worry,
they know him, and he can take care of himself.  That I believe.

He’d run into friends, drank, coked, come home and looked into
her eyes, searching for anger.
She could not hide anything from him.  He always saw,  so this
time she truly said no, not anger, just adjusting to frequency.
It’s every 2 or 3 days…

“No… not every 2 or 3 days… no……. oh…………….yes….
I guess you’re so damned smart.
Just don’t be like the other ones, please.  Just understand me.
I will never lie to you, I will always be true to you, always,
I swear.  Can you handle me babe?”

She looked long into his eyes.  “I Think so…”

This night she desperately wished for a recorder. The things he told
her, the way they rolled from his tongue…how could she ever capture
a tenth of them…?

She told him her main concern with his drinking…
“Your drinking is your business…how it affects me is my business.
I’m concerned with your health, that’s what worries me.”

“When I die, they oughta cut out a few organs…burn the rest please…
but take some of me and study, because I am not a normal person.

“I have drunk and snorted and shot, and been shot, and I live.
I’m not normal.
I’m not going to live long, babe, and I’m not going to change.
I can stop, I have stopped if there is a reason.

“But I don’t wanna spend my life sober.  I’ve seen too much.
No, you’ll see me dead.
Just don’t bury me.  Burn me, throw me in the ocean.
A Viking burial would be nice.  But otherwise just burn me, please. ”
Water filled her eyes…..

“I’m not afraid to die.  I never have been .  You know what scares
me…the only thing?.  I’ve never told anyone this.
What scares me is dying without being called a man.
To be worthy of being called a man, that is the one thing.
Not to die one of the masses….. oh….”

“In the Legion, they had a name they called me…..”
(I know it, but I’m not sharing it right now, as I’m not
sure he’d be OK with that).
“Oh, I’m good…I never miss.  Never.  One shot to the head.
I took out a squad of 40.  I wait…I watch…watch for days,
I know their routine, I know how many and where.  Pow Pow…
I could take out 5 in about 14 seconds.  I was the Best.

“Once they found me, they chased me for 4 days in the desert…
140 degrees day, -35 at night.  I covered myself for some shade.
I drank my own piss.
“They called out my special name, “It’s ___we gotta get him!”,
and they chased me … a bunch of them…
It was 35 miles to the sea, Once I got there, there was a beeper
and I could be found.  But I had lost mine, and no one
knew where I was….”
Obviously he escaped and was found, but I never heard how.

As a child, he was always in trouble, always being punished,
and the parents seemed to enjoy it, and from his stories,
they were quite creative.

They laughed at him, and called him Tatubola… little Armadillo…
The parents had a new horse whip and were trying it out on him.
There were other family there, and they all laughed as his mother
whipped him, and he rolled into a ball, rolled all over the ground
and down the hill.
The others said the parents must know what they are doing,
they’re the parents.  Little Armadillo, rolled up in a ball.

“My father decided the belt wasn’t good enough.  So he turned the
buckle on me.  A man 6’2”, 190#…do you think he needed to use a
buckle on a child?  What a coward.  But I never cried.  Never.
I thought of what Tom would do (Sawyer), he wouldn’t cry.
No, it was not me who should cry.  It was them, they were the
ones who were not human, they should cry.

“Once, when my mother left him, in order to get her back, he tried
to impress her by taking me on the back of his bicycle, for a ride to
show what a good father, a good man he was.
He put me behind him, and we rode.

“My ankles rubbed against the wheels, rubbed them raw and bleeding.
And when he saw, he told me how stupid I was, and he beat me.
I’d ruined his beautiful fantasy picture.”

Turns out he was ADHD.  I know it.  Total Right brain.
Got in trouble in school every day.  He read voraciously, and
everything at school seemed stupid, he already knew it.
Typical of ADD brains, unusually bright and intelligent,
easily distracted, able to focus intensely, and on their own.

He read all the classics early on, filled his head with the heroes
of so many times and places.  All of them, the great books, he read.
History, Geography, but not math, not numbers.

“If you got a woman laughing, you’re gonna get some pussy… ”
he continued.
(She remembered the big swedish nurse who assisted in her last home
birth, the most perfect birth.  Smile Carol, big smile, she’d say.
An open smile means an open pussy…. see?  it was true!)

“You always made me laugh, you’re good at that,”  she purred…
“So you must have gotten a lot of pussy…”
“Oh Good Lord, you have no idea!”
He shook his head and grinned.

“You’re clean.  Your eyes are clean.
I want to rebuild myself from what’s inside you.
I planted something in you, back then.
I planted it, and it grew inside you, and 17 years later,
you come and find me.
Because you never forgot me, and I never forgot you.

“When I saw you, I saw your goodness.  I saw you’re clean.
I was not a nice person at that time.  But with you, I gave my best.
It was out of time, and I saw another way.  I drove 400 miles..
….do you know how many times?  Just to see you.
It was apart from my life.”

She had no idea of this.  All she knew was he was diving at the pier.
So it turns out he was driving from Tahoe each time?

He and his Tahoe girlfriend fought about her.  She had called that
day, when he’d been gone for so long, took that chance, and the
woman answered.
Later, the woman asked him, and he told her…
yes, I’ve met someone, and this is why I drive.

He told her his friend Mark was a good man, a good friend,
and he lost him as a friend forever, because he hit that woman in
this fight…”knocked her lights out”…and he knew he was wrong,
that was the only time he did that.
She asked him why he was untrue to her.
“She was not a good fuck.  She had become like a sister.
I left soon after I saw you”

“You know, they are offering me a job…. I can’t believe it…
$80,000 and I said no.  I couldn’t do it… I felt like a whore.
The Legion keeps asking me to come back, come back, we could
live in France, you would be my wife, we would live well.
I would be maybe a Sargent Chief.
And I would teach people how to kill.
But no, I can’t do it.  I said no, I want something else.”

“You wanna know the two saddest things?
A soldier without a war, and
and a Man without a job…
I know….. I’m both.”