What comes to mind today is how fucking boring my life is right now.
What comes secondly is …. If it were much more interesting, I wouldn’t be left with nothing to do that is truly exciting but write.
What comes to mind thirdly, is Hunter S. Thompson. Because complete Gonzo insanity is the only way to Compensate for the Isolation that writing demands.
She is a hungry Bitch, and only takes you alone, and in the dark.
I wish right now that I had a Gonzo buddy, someone to just go fucking crazy with me once in a while, to escape this mundane existence that is life right now in this culture, and at this moment in this year of our lord and this month of Winterness.
So here I write, the snowstorms raging outside. OK, not really Raging, but everything is relative, right? Winter is for the Yin, the internal, the contemplative part of the year….
Or the contemplative Half of the year, if it’s Oregon….
Lovers come in all colors. If you’ve been privileged, or cursed, to have more than a few, you find yourself grading them, on a multitude of scales.
And you find yourself missing parts and pieces of them all. There’s the comfort scale, the creative scale, the sensual scale, the wild and in the moment scale, and of course the boring and mundane scale.
We won’t talk about them…. too boring…
So let’s talk about the others. Me, myself…. I like creative and in the moment. I also really like men who can be thoroughly Yang, and also Yin. I’m not talking Bi here, for even though I acknowledge my natural and healthy awareness that I am Both…. I choose not to act on it…
Please…. Half the world is quite enough for me to deal with…
No, I speak of the ability to Dance with someone. Horizontally…
Most men I’ve known really like to take charge. Some are able to submit for a little while, but there always comes a time where it’s time for the guy to take the lead, do his thing, and get to the finish line. Rare is the one who can change places.
Me… in my life, I’ve always liked a lot of flavors. It’s so in ice cream… and it is so in Love. What do I Hate? Formula Sex. I mean why bother? Do it yourself already.
And I don’t mean necessarily a lot of different people… I mean someOne who can go to a variety of places… When I’m with someone for more than a little while, what else keeps us interested but the dance of the creative in the moment of who knows how it will go, and there is no script sort of Dance of love.
I had a long time lover who enchanted me with his creative. He was a musician, and a naturally creative being. When I was with him, his presence, his complete attention, was part of what was so enticing about him. When we were together, that was All that existed.
And each time was Different, which I found unusual at that time. Of course later, I realized that That was true, but also what was true was that when he was away, he was away completely, and wherever Else he was, was All There Was for him …
But… let’s not loose the point.
There are Lovers, and then there are Lovers. Legendary Lovers are few, and if one is lucky, we have one or two. I’ve had two, and although right now I am bored out of my mind, still I would never say that I am not grateful for the life I have lived.
So do we rank our lovers? How can we not? Yes, as in ice cream, we have our special favorites, we have those wowie moments of discovery where we think we have found something that has never been found before. But then there are those that hang in there, that last, that shine like major stars in the heavens, that keep on shining through thick and thin, and we may wonder why….. but then again, they just ARE, and we best accept the fact, enjoy them while we can, and make good ART from them when they are gone.
Fact is, everything goes, everything moves on, and at some point, or points, we are here, with ourselves, wondering and full of wonder, at this brain which retains these incredible memories and beautiful movies of miracles that will never come to pass again…..Yet I am sure the same amazing miraculous dances occur everyday, somewhere, and at this very moment.
Miracles of love and connection, and the miracle dance that is Us, we stars in this Universe of endless stars, not so special, yet special beyond the word special, and we dance on eternally,
and That my friends is the True Miracle of All.