… it’s all now …

Reposted from April, 2012

Writing is an interesting process.   There’s that word again… interesting.

If you pay attention, you notice changes about yourself… growth, hopefully, and also a broadening of perspective as you see yourself as others might see you.

As the years, and chapters, spin by… faster each year, like horses on their return trip home, one begins to see how the writing changes the writer.

As I review… Re-View… my journals, I enjoy both the actuality of the moment, and the perspective I gain about myself.

I still believe the story I am telling is a valid and delightful story, a classic if you will, with iconic characters acting out some pre- ordained dance, and I also know that he and I have danced before, and will again.  For life is not only ongoing…  it is a forever decision we all have made, and denial is only a brief retreat from what our soul knows……. The Forever Dance.

A new friend of mine, reading my blog for the first time,  noted that she hated thinking of me as hung up on some dude, that she did not see me as someone like that… and so it set me to thinking.

No, my friends, I am not… Not that type, nor that woman. This was a chapter of my ongoing life, and I am firmly in the now, whilst enjoying a story that for me has become something classic that I want to share. For there are not only wonderful stories and dreamscapes…. there are things to be learned…. and not just for me either.

When I was a child, I thought as a child, I understood as a child…. … I believe that is some bible quotation, but still it renders true, for the journals I wrote then were truly as a child. Love, Romance, and all the attached Thrills were my reality in many ways, and I have paid the price of that naivete.

I have no need to go down that path anymore, for now I see what I went there to see. Love has many flavors, degrees, and depths.  One can Love, and yes, truly Love at that;  but if that Love is not enlightened by wisdom and vision, the quest for love becomes a distraction from the Real, a rush towards emotional sensations, and a mistaking of passion for Love, of thrills for Love, and worse yet, the choice of who receives that focus of Love can end up with Love being thrown at someone who cannot Love at all.

Ah, the Chase, the challenge, the hunt, the seeking of a prize, the reliving and reworking of past and unfinished scenarios…. I see all these things in my past choices.

I am a different person now.  I enjoy my past movies, but I thankfully have moved on to a realer place, having learned from my myriad of choices… I mean…..How many times before you Get it…? They may come up above ground once in a while, and wave a little hello to me, but I see them for what they are, for things I already have figured out, and I smile at myself.

Interestingly enough, most recently I had a visitation from an old/younger Love of mine, and for me it was a clear reminder of what I Really want. He is clear, high minded, multi-faceted, brilliantly beautiful, and accomplished.  A musician, a writer, a thinker, and…a grown up.

In order to make these things happen, he has not frittered his talents and gifts away.  Nay, he has made the best of it all, and as we spent the evening together, I realized that this unassuming and gentle soul was indeed my Twin Soul in so many ways; ways that created seamless mind melds and common ahas… enough to make you believe in the mystery of connections, the Mystical Web of Cosmic Consciousness. And yet in this lifetime, we each have chosen to pursue the lessons of life that were needed to fulfill our promises.

I chose bad boys…. he chose complex and neurotic women… ……funny, huh?

Now, we could have chosen eachother, and it would be a blissful and heavenly blend of all that either could ever want… that became very clear as the evening progressed, and much to our mutual surprise.

Instead, we’ve been doing our homework.  I know that we are drifting on parallel paths, and we also know there is a past andthere is a future…….as well as the Ever Now.

I believe in parallel realities.  I know that these exist simultaneously… so then I was faced with the fact that it’s all just Fine, that it’s all going on just as it should, just as it will, and just as we each decide to write it… I also realized that the He that he is, that I wish I could blissfully enjoy right now, is there always, for me once I learn what I need to learn, once I’m ready to relax, to just Be in Bliss…. Oh, that struggle can be so seductive!  but it’s like you never Get there…

I know that the bliss is there, because I once woke up from a dream, and he was still holding me, my pillow his shoulder, and in the morning misty wakes, I lay in quiet bliss…
I wrote him the dream the next morning… and his reply came as dry and delightful
as he….
This is one of the loveliest messages ever. I’m assuming I was there with you as well, connected by the Jungian trunk line in the dream zone, but unfortunately i didn’t get the in-between lying-in-bed consciousness part. I remember that “nothing to resolve” comment from those many years ago; in fact the whole few days we spent at Big Sur are in vivid technicolor.”

For now, I go on learning my lessons, taking my classes in personalities, and seductive paths. This visit with my beloved friend has reminded me of how far I’ve come, and how far I have to go. It also has reminded me that I Will Not Settle for any less than exactly where I am, and where I’m going, myself.

At some point there are Bardos that we reach, and we jump… and move on to new vistas.  I look forward to the next Bardos… For now, this one has some very nice views and vistas that I shall enjoy for a while. The Bliss is there in the future, there in my dreams, and here in the now as I so choose it.

It’s all here… all of it together …. all Now… all One.

… the journal continues …

It seemed a continual pendulum swing, from highs to lows,
from close to push away, from together to alone, and
obviously that was what it was.
Why the mystery?  Onion layers…

Two people, old enough to know too much, to think they’ve
seen it all and enough more to sink a goat, now thinking
they can each transform themselves into the Fool stepping
into the Abyss, as he called it.  And why not?
What more was there to do, but complete the circle,
and begin again.

But new borns cry a lot.  They throw tantrems, they are
afraid.  Nothing makes any sense, and they want to be held
and rocked.
They want soothing songs and nonsense stories
to swim them into themselves, where being is
a Dolphin dance of knowing without words.

The Issues…….and the Methods…
She thought deeply on this one, because just now it seemed
like the “fight” wasn’t about the issues at all.  It was about
the style used to prove a point, about winning, about being right.
At least to her it was, and that was all she knew, of course,
like all of of, each of us.

Consider the life of the man.  Beaten as a young child by
both parents, isolating himself for protection, proving
himself again and again, yet the only answer he ever
got was from himself, like when the father threw him
into the ocean to teach him to swim.  Sinking to the bottom
revealed his abilities to hold his breath, and the complete
and utter joy he felt when he realized he was at last safe
and in his element.  Alone now seemed a strength.

And War.  Always at war with all  of it, but when the real
thing came with the Legion, he saw a path to rightousness,
recognition, and power.  He could be a true Hero.
He hadn’t figured on what it would do to his heart.

So fucking alone.. he was completely alone, wrought with
past cobwebs, ropes, the scars from war…the hardest fucking
plastic known to man wrapped around his heart.

Old ways are not set in concrete, but they Are set in neurons,
pathways, grooves so deep, so repetitiously run.
And new tracks can be near impossible to dig out.