… the brasilian story continues …

Perhaps there are still those out there who are
wondering what the what? and so forth…
Just Where has this woman gone, and what is to
become of this half told story anyway?
Does it ever end?  or even Continue?

Oddly enough, the point at which I grew weary of
the dips into the past, I later realized I had reached
the Halfway Mark, and nearly told what will be called
the First Half of this Book of mine.

And thusly, I have written this Sonnet……  a little
something that sprang forth last night, and something
with which I am well Pleased!
Perhaps it will help you Dear Readers begin to
understand this strange and sad tale…
And so it will Follow….. Read on!
________________________________

 

 

… harvest 2005 …

OK…so where were we…?
It was 2005, and I was landing in a small Northern California
town, one I’d lived in earlier and for 20 years.  I was going
there to work with friends, save a bunch of money,
and fly back to Brasil.

I’d taken a month early in the year to stay in Rio with an old
love of mine from long time past, 1987-8, and figure out what
this Thing was between us.
Neither of us had forgotten the other, forgotten the passion or
connection that was undeniable.

There had been great wells of tears on my part at the time of
leaving.  He held me close, and remained steadfast, while making
sure I was coming back.
His hand gripped mine, as his great male calm denied his need.
Yes I was, I told him, and as soon as I could.  We were engaged,
we were determined, and we were in love.

Romantic, yes?  Try falling deeply in love, mutually in love,
and in nearly an instant.  Then wait 18 years, find eachother,
and spend a month together again.
Out of time, so much touch and eyes, eyes, taking in what seemed
like reality but just couldn’t be… our brains could hardly grok it.

After I flew away, sobbing into my kleenex  the stewardess had
brought to me, I settled into my seat, journal in hand, and
continued to record the saga as it unfolded, pouring out the
emotions as they rose up and fell, like the tide itself, the ebb and
flow of all that feeling.
He drove away, arrived at his favorite street bar, and got
completely wasted, went home, and continued on for
what I suspected were days.

We talked on the phone.  He pulled away.  He came back.
He opened, he closed.
Notice here that I am focused on the He of it, and yes I was.
His moods, his openings and closings, his near and far, virtually
directed my emotional path for many months, try as I did to not
only understand him,  but to hold on to that connection at
such a great distance.
Some people find it easier to hold on to something so etherial,
and others…. well, he was and Is an in-the-moment guy, pulled
and distracted by mind and body, and thoroughly in the now.
Which means…anything could happen.

Waves of fear and worry came and went… alternating with those
beautiful and poetic times that are almost impossible to convey
to anyone not There…
Those are the moments I did my best to hold on to, to get down
on paper before they faded into the ethers…. because such beauty
should never be wasted.

The Magick between us had always been there, and it still lived,
couched between time passing, and the different paths we each
had chosen…
He wasn’t ready for my return, so I went to Hawaii for a while, and
then prepared to arrive in NorCal just in time for Harvest, readying
myself to fly back to my darling one, and figure out how we could
be together forever…

The story has been partially written, and if you want to catch up,
go to Categories, then Brasil or Brazil tab, and start at the beginning.
Or jump in wherever…
At some point you’ll understand…

It’s a fun story, very romantic, very sweet, very beautiful, with
such poetic moments, full of sound and fury, and signifying …
something very deeply profound,  eternal….and yes of course, sad.
Love is sad…. because……..it’s always something.

—————————————

… tonite …

Here I sit, drinking wine, listening to Sting…some old
some new…. he is so Visceral.
Stirring soup, simmering ginger plum chutney, and
delighting in the night.

They say moving is one of the most traumatic experiences
of one’s life…  well, guess I’ve had a few… but
…..this one’s a good move.

Going back to the place where I felt most at home…
going home in many ways.    It is not something that happens
overnight, and sometimes it feels like there’s a drag on my sails..

So guess I’m sayin’….. I know it’s been a while since I’ve touched
in with you, my friends and readers….. but I do have some other
priorities that seem to take precedence…
I’m moving!

Long time ago, I fell in love with a man…a man from Brasil…

A little while later…like 18 years… I went to Brasil to decide
what the heck that was about.
…and what the heck to Do with it…

And still, years later I decided to write this love story about the
strange and wonderful and totally bizarre thing that happened
in my life….
And so….this blog… a blog, and a story which will become a book,
and partly because of Him…because he wanted someone to
write his Story….

But this blog has become so much more…

I’m not sure how good a job I can do on my own.
I do what I can, from Me…. from my perspective.
He is not here any more.
He struggles with his own demons, ensconced within his
own cluster of lessons and movement.  But…
he keeps on moving, keeps on unraveling his gordian knot.
He now has his Boat, and his diving equipment…
…a long time wanting, a long time coming, but finally,  Yes!

He is on his own trajectory….nothing unusual…
and GOOD ON HIM….. no problem here….
I think one of the most important things I want to say tonite is…

Hey Baby…. I do love you… I love your trajectory… I do…
I love how you keep on workin’ it, pushing ahead, no matter.
But I doubt there is room for anyone else but You.
This is sad, of course…..you being the romantic that you are…

I mean….wouldn’t it have been wonderful for one of those
beautiful and delicious romantic moments to realize itself….
and who’s to say they aren’t, in some reality, in some bardeau
on some plane, on some planet somewhere.
For I know you would love to have someone by your side.

Yes….I do indeed Know You….and you always said
I was the most intelligent woman you’d ever been with.
I suspect that is still true today.

But now…. I want it clear…. for…I am clear.
I am new and clear and
we have danced our dance.  I hold no agenda here…

I listen to Sting, to his words and heart… it rings of times and
places that are timeless.  Soon I return to places that hold my
heart, to memories and times that I will now pick up, take hold
of the string and continuum, and hold to my heart…
and it’s all relevant, all current, all now…

Because it Is all now… it’s not linear….it’s all now… so Hello….

I go home to a place that is set in time and will never move…
it is and it will be….and so will I…

You know….sorry that it didn’t work out, but…it did!
It was what it was… and we were what we were….

I wish you well my love… I wish you the fulfillment of
Your Dreams…

And so I say to you all, my readers… here I sit, readying myself
for another move, one of many in my life of chances and
throws of the dice.
Sureness in mind, yet chances none the less…

So hello and thanks for being there, today, tonite, now…
because I know all of you are just hanging on til morning,
hoping the sun rises once again, hoping someone cares.

“For tomorrow the sun will surely rise, and
who knows what the tide may bring in…”

 

————————————