… fairwell my island …

As I leave my island,  all the elements that went into
creating the months of experiences that will always
stay with me, come into my mind’s eye ….

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… he returns …

It’s September, and after many weeks of sporatic calls,
hits and misses, Alcir comes back around to the himself
that I know and love, and begins talking.

He’d had a job for a short while… one he loved, working in
the Bay, laying some sort of lines… I think it was electrical,
and he was ecstatic.

“So, you like it?”
“oh it’s so good… I ought to be paying Them”, he laughed.
“I drive this boat around, jump in the wadder when I wan’ to,
catch a fish….. I am a very happy man.”

That didn’t last too long.  The funding got cut, the project was
dropped, and he was completely in the dumps again.

Still, there were the classes now,  the ones for a
Captain’s License, and that gave him hope.

Back in August, he called after spending time in the bar,
explaining celestial navigation….
…. a crowd had gathered…he had felt so proud.

Then he began lamenting about his daughter, and at last he
cried, sobbed uncontrollably.
I felt grateful that he could do this with me, but more so,
I was happy for him that he got some of this pain out.
As a woman, I know how important it is to cry.

“This thing is killing me,” he began, “and I’d just End it, but
I’m too much of a coward. ”

“No, that’s not true” I replied…
“It takes a braver man to stay and feel it, to grow.”

Now the daughter came up again… it was eating away at him,
as the mother and he were so at odds, she wouldn’t allow him
to take her, or even see her.

“I told V that I would be alone… an she said
‘No Daddy… I’ll be there’, an I said
No you won’t.   I will be alone now.”

He went on to change the subject…

“When I met you that first time, I was scared… but every time
I turned around I thought of you…and then that 4th of July,
when we did it for real…you fit like you…it…was made for me…
you’re my woman…
…an  now, I wanna be with somebody who shows me how
it is to feel that…
I wanna be with somebody who loves me like you love me…
Oh, I’m gonna put on Frank Zappa records, and fuck you…”

then he turned a corner… he did this a lot… thing to thing

“So Hunter S Thompson died…… an they shot his ashes out
of a cannon like he wanted….oh that’s beautiful!
I want my ashes to be blown out of a cannon…
play a bugle ……play anything…
Saints go Marchin in………..Me and Bobby Magee…
I don’ care…just get me outa there…”

“When I die, I’m gonna sign a paper that says to donate
my liver to science… they need to study me…I’m not normal.
I’m a guzzling V8, built to last.  ”

“I nearly beat the British world record for diving, 419 meters.
I made it to 413…..that was with professional diving equipment,
helium and nitrogen.”

“In my first free dive, I broke 75 meters!  the guys on the boat
didn’t believe me, so I followed the anchor back down, an
brought back some dirt, so they’d know!
I’m not a normal man, babe.  ”

“I don’ believe in God, macumba, gnones, santa claus …
…nothing…but one thing I believe in is a man’s envy….
they give you the Oro Grande…. the Big Eye…
an then I shut up an have another drink.
It’s a man’s ability of another man to kill with envy….  ”

Then, as he closed for the night, the tenderness came…

“I wouldn’t be here tonite, if not for you.
I’d go to the bar, an I’d have gotten in a fight…….
………… oh woman…. ”  and he sighed.

 

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… the anniversary …

It was the day they got together… hooked up… did it
for reals … and she always had remembered the day.
It was easy… the Fourth of July.

People joke about it, how getting together with someone
was like the Fourth, skyrockets, all that, but it was that
too… and on the very Day, with the sounds and flashes
still reverberating in the night skies.

That was a long time ago.. 1987… yet it was clear as spring
water on a summer’s day.

It’s 2005, and she called him all day.
It was the first time the date had come around since
they had found eachother again.

She called into the night, but no answer.  The phones
were often out in Brasil, but it was odd that no one
answered for so long.
It was mid morning on the Fifth that he picked up…
he’d not been home that long.

“How Are you?”… his jolly voice barked at her.
“Sad and lonely… not good this week” she drifted off.
“Really?” came the response.  Quiet…

“Where have you been?” she asked quietly, the first thing
on her mind, relief and strange wondering mixing in her.

“Oh, I was checking out a job, I was visiting a friend, I got
a haircut… I Knew it was our Day …blah blah …”
…..the list went on, but she wasn’t hearing the details,
only the tone.  A certain manic thing…

“Listen… I have to tell you.  I wasn’t looking, but I got
a haircut, and I ran into someone I’d known before…
(her heart suddenly went dead)

“well, I don’t have to tell you do I?
I’m not going to apologize.
It meant nothing…

“….Say something…!”

She was without words.  The sounds were there, but nothing
came from her lips.  Her breath came in shallow whispers.
(please allow me to absorb this, she thought, but could not say)

“If you go out and do something to retaliate, it’s over!”…
…he shot back at her over the line.

“It was just sex, tits and ass…”
Quickly he evaporated the subject, and his hurried voice
filled in the hollows.

“I want to buy a ticket for my wife to come here…
I caught a 30# fish, I’m good, you’re gonna be so
proud you chose me…”

Still she could not form words… everything was floating.

“I’m not going to say it was the alcohol or the drugs…
I wanted her, she appealed to me …
I’m being modest here…
I had a hard time.  I decided I needed a reward….

“Do you want to think about it and call me later…?

His voice went on in her ear, she doing her best to just
hear what the words were, and put them away for keeping,
to interpret them later…

“If you don’ wanna speak with me ever again, just let me know…
I’ll pay you back what I owe you.  I’ll sell my car, my watch…”

….”Do you love me?”….

While he waited for her to breath again, he started singing
Lou Reed’s  “Walk on the Wild Side”, and when he got to
…”an’ the colored girls sang do de doo de doo…”,
she almost threw up.

“I can’t do this right now” came out of her mouth instead,
and she hung up.

 

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… the we of it …

The islands have always been good to me.
From the first breath I took when in 1987 I visited for
the first time…flowers suspended in moist clear air…
I knew I was home.  It was the Garden.

The body knew too, and health and peaceful days always
followed me there, even when Hurricane Iniki in 1992
included me, and devastated Kauai…. still it was all a gift.

This time, in the summer of 2005, was no different.
Things fell into place, and the inundation of nature only
proceeded to lead me to the core, to the very soul of my
existence, and my heart, mind and body followed.

By being on my own path, separating myself from the
attachment I was feeling for Alcir and our life together,
my vision cleared, and I knew what I wanted in my life
besides him.
I could see clearly what was him and what was me….
…and isn’t this something that is Always needed
in a relationship?
We All need our Man Cave, so to speak, and it needs to
be OK to want that, and to take that…. for Each of us.

There is no judgement here.  We each have our path, and
things we must do, promises to ourselves that we must keep.
The problem is our expectations, and our programming,
particularly when it comes to relationships.

We have been told that when you are in love, you blend,
merge, combine, and fall into roles that have worked for
millennia….  but is this truth?

Respect for self and other demands the together
AND the Apart…

And because of these histories, teachings, beliefs and
outdated roles, we are caught in guilt and confusion.
The options are not made clear to ourselves, or to society
as a whole, and so we bang our heads against these walls,
while trying against hope to fit between them.

When it doesn’t fit, doesn’t feel good, isn’t working like
we Think it should, it falls apart or blows up.
But shouldn’t we be Creating other ways of being with another?
And shouldn’t this creative endeavor be a Good Thing,
even a commendable one?

This is what I was thinking about, and had been thinking
about for many years.
And this is the gift that the islands gave to me….

Space to create anew…..

 

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