…to stay, or not to stay….

I have several things I am wanting to share with you today, and find myself a bit swirly and torn.  So many thoughts have come to mind these last couple weeks, and it’s hard to put a finger on it, but the feeling is that I’m done with the online dating thing entirely.

The First and Foremost reason for feeling this way, aside from complete discouragement in the process, is the deep and abiding belief that keeps surfacing for me…. Chemistry.     For me at least, getting together with someone is not an intellectual experience.  At least not purely so…

Now understand, this may be one of my infamous downfalls, for goodness knows I have followed my heart and gut, and other parts, in most of my decisions to do with love and romance.  The mind is on top of the rest for a reason, and I am not lacking in mental prowess, but…..

It’s just that in matters of the heart, isn’t one of the things one looks for a certain feeling of being swept away?  And isn’t this actually the result of chemicals running through your blood?  And aren’t these chemicals sent coursing through your body sent by the brain?  And how pray tell, does the brain reach the conclusion to send out this intoxicating cocktail that disarms one’s forebrain, and stimulates the lizard brain?

And Why is this?

Of this I am not sure.  I could get cosmic about it, and say that on some deep level we recognize another from a past life, or that destiny strikes and what is meant to be just IS.  I could go all biology on you, and say it is that deep and driving force to procreate, and the animal craves what it needs or does not possess, in order to combine with that other to create yet a more perfect human in the next generation.

I could say it’s Kismet, that time and place and surrounding moment share in creating a gestalt that will never again exist, and one must seize the moment or be forever lost to it.

Or it’s Magnetism….  We are energetically drawn together.

But in the long run, the Why doesn’t really matter, because back to the beginning, it is not made in the brain.  Long ago marriages were set as alliances, a means to an end for a family.  Good matches had more to do with status and upward motion, than to do with individual happiness.  And what happened?  Everyone still ran around having wild impetuous affairs with some happenstance human who was there at the right moment in time, and set off the old lizard brain.  Passion…

Which takes me to where I started.  I have always gotten together with someone in person.  Occaisionally I’ve been set up by friends, and sometimes that sort of worked out, at least for a time.  For me, often times I met someone who was brought into my home by a visiting friend, and stuff just happened.  See what I mean?  In a way it is Kismet.

For me, this ridiculous effort to find someone with whom I have simpatico and crazy chemistry too is just something that has to happen.  Magnetism at its best.  Can’t push the train, and I think going on line and interviewing potential mates and being interviewed by same can be so artificial, so strained in a way, and certainly a whole lot of work, time and attention, and for what?  Invariably it begins to feel like a Shakespearean play, where She likes Him, but He likes another She, and that other She is confused over two other Hes, and so on… human nature is such that seldom are two people in the same place at the same time.

And I also feel that timing is often everything.  If we have this conversation tomorrow instead of today, you and I will be different persons, and the exchange will be entirely different.  I don’t know about you, but I suspect you are likely as moody as I, even if you don’t admit it, and one day I’m in one place, and the next an entirely different one. It could be a 180 switch, and perspective has reversed.  I’m not fickle, just a little complex.

But don’t you Dare call me Cybil…..!

p.s…..except in that comedy show, where I acted out a commercial for a perfume called… “Cybil …. for All the women in you” …. And then  proceeded to go through a dozen familiar lines from familiar characters, changing moment to moment, accent to accent, in quick succession…. Ha ha!