Recently I reached out to someone  I felt drawn to, and we lightly conversed on line, then had a couple phone conversations.  I was sort of girlishly excited, became silly and talkative, and began feeling a bit of a thrill of that chemistry I’ve been talking about.

I found him sweet, open, smart, worldly, gentle, soft and manly.  Good combo.    And for me, one sign is that I start feeling all girlie….  We laughed a lot, talked about a dozen different subjects, and laughed some more…  for me, laughter is a turn on.

Going only on photos, I believe, was in some ways a hinderance, for at some point  he found himself put off by something or some things that escaped from my mouth, due to excitement and a certain feeling of relief …..  a giddiness to actually feel warmed up by someone for a change… and he momentarily stopped in his tracks.

Something I said pushed some button somewhere, likely from the past, and he found himself distanced from the Me that was on his screen.   And he didn’t voice this at the time, on the phone.  He just backed away.

Now if we’d met somewhere, and struck up the same conversation, we would have been conversing on more than several levels, and learned a lot more in a shorter time.

And at a different time, I wouldn’t have been so soul weary at yet one more person to check out and be interesting to, entertaining him and making him laugh.

But as it stands, all I’ve learned is that I attracted someone who seemed one of the better prospects, only to make some blunders and shut down the doors by the wrong sharing at the wrong time.  A clash of Moods.

If he’d known me a little longer, he would understand that I am a passionate and in the moment person, one who does not always filter the mouth, and also one who covers her vulnerability with layers of bravado and blasé, throwing in chatty humor as distraction.   And I might have known that he has buttons and sensitivities from the past (don’t we all), and been able to avoid certain areas, leaving them for later.

I am actually, at times, quite fragile. I can be defensive, and I can also be the most caring and empathetic person, which has been one of my downfalls most of my life.  Only recently have I learned to be a bit more cynical and distant, and not give away my shirt, or heart, to just anyone.

I am more complicated than many, more sensitive than most, as awake as I can stand to be, and I guess I possess faces and facets that I use, and that use me.  So I am at a definite disadvantage when on a cold, hard page…

All I really learned was to play my cards close, give away as little as possible, measure my words, be mysterious, and watch for clues.  And also to shut the fuck up.

And it’s hard to do that on line, or on the phone…. They may seem to be agreeing with you, or engaging in consentual conversation, but their eyes, their body language isn’t there to guide you in or out of a situation.  All you have are voices, and words.  And on line or on the phone, long silences don’t go over very well, and there is no room for non verbal communication.

I for one, tend to talk too much when I’m nervous, so there you go.  And there he went.  Just for the moment, I might add, not to discourage you, as we are now straightening out the misunderstandings of Words that got in the way of our magnetic attractions, and learning more about eachother.

I never have been brilliant at filtering myself, editing myself.  I tend to just say what I’m thinking or feeling at the moment, and then in another moment I feel and think a different way, or from a different side of me.  Or I’ve moved on Exactly Because I expressed those thoughts, and was actually looking for feedback…. From myself, or another.

Sometimes I say things to See how they Feel.  Sometimes I say things in a way that might sound like I’m believing them, when actually I’m Asking if it’s true.

And most important to remember, sometimes we All say things that strike another in an entirely different way than intended, because of Their mood, or Their experience, and the established buttons.  Sometimes it’s just because Words are a Bitch at best.

If there is no basis for discourse, if Trust hasn’t been established, then we are free to make assumptions, and walls can come up.  People hear what they Expect to hear, and those expectations, often times, come from past experience.

And now we know that our memories are quite selective, and mutate with time, so that this years’ memory has developed some life of its own from last years’ actual experience.  Many times, we are being led around by a fantasy world that doesn’t even exist in reality.

Next time, I’ll tell you about another friend I’ve made.  He has provided a Hotbed of potential, but don’t get excited…. Not quite as Hot as I’d wished for, which is a completely Other discussion, things to unfold, confusions to coalesce, and Choices.

It just gets more confusing, but I am assuring myself that I will indeed untangle this plate of spaghetti that I have handed myself, and eventually things will fall into place.

And in the meanwhile, I share with you my brain talking to itself.