Journal, February 2006

I have two pages, side by side… one says YES, the other says NO…

On the YES side, there are all the wonderful things he says…

I see your goodness, I want to rebuild myself from inside you
I love you, your’e the love of my life, the best fuck of my life.
I’ll never fuck another woman
I’ll never lie to you
I’ll always be true to you
I’ll protect you and your family.
Do you want to be Carol Lee Souza?
Please Carol…can you help me?  I want to stop drinking and snorting…
Please, can you help me?
This place is killing me… I’m dying… Please can you help
get me out of here?
Marry me….marry me….marry me… (for the last Year)
You are my woman.  We were made for eachother.
If you come back, I’ll never let you leave.
I’m so happy… why do I feel so free?
I’m always alone… even with others…with you I don’t feel alone.
Hold me…cuddle me…Just take care of me ….
(and I see the wide open boy face)
And…he tells the guys that he’s Married…!

and then there’s the Other Page, some of the NOs…

I have nothing to offer you.
Go home.  go home, and let me die…Please.
When are you leaving?  Tomorrow?  Good!
Wouldn’t it be fun? to do this once a year?  3 mos/9 mos.
I’m going to burn this house down when I go.
I’ll kill the family upstairs if my plant gets busted.
I’ll never change.
I’m leaving soon…. will you Burn me? Please?

and then there’s the facts that anything of mine around bothers him,
and pretty much if I suggest it, he says No.

…and the fact that he doesn’t tell the women who call him
that he’s married.

He is a full time job……

——————————————