Journal in Rio, January 20, 2006

“What a three weeks it has been, since I arrived here …
I am learning how to communicate with him, without emotion,
and this seems to be our singular project right now….
His anger, my tears, which of course just set him off more.
I have to be the one to change it, stand up to him, which is
not only scary, but extremely challenging, since he is such
a Master of Bullshit.
He’s used to getting his way by charm, by swift words with
perfect timing, or by bullying.
I must say it is one of the larger challenges I have met in
my life!
One quite significant happening last night was the intense
but brief conflagration over money.  He asked me for $10,
I asked for what, he said “what do you think?”, I said NO,
then his Breathtaking FIT, one obviously rehearsed from
years of attack and manipulation.
Then he comes over, stands over me, does his STARE,
….seconds pass, and slowly we begin to crack up, and then…
the dark cloud dissipates.

Moments later he just throws in this amazing, clear, brief
“Thank you for not letting me go snort… it’s just a habit,
an impulse… you know, an impulse?  I really don’t want
to do it anymore.”
End of chapter.  After that, we proceed to have the Best
evening so far….. the TV went off, the music played, drinks
but no powder, with lots of laughs over cooking Camarao
and the snacks I bought…. and he even enjoyed them,
after the Weeks of protests about my shopping for My foods,
My inability to change and my need to Rule (!)….
Can you say Projection?…
and he actually was Present and Funny and I feel like
I am finally learning how to deal with him a little.
These days have so many ups and downs, I can’t keep track.
It’s All about Him, and it makes my head spin, how he is
all over the board.

My instincts were correct at coming here when I did…
I felt him not only slipping away from me, but closing down
and going Dead inside, in his Heart.

Dead Man Walking must be his Indian name!  and I keep saying
which really pisses him off…..



… breakthroughs …

… i…me…me…mine …

Meandering Journal thoughts, after nearly 2 weeks in Rio:
January 9, 2006

“Wearing white, a Brasilian tradition on important days.  It shows off
the tan skin, creates a reflective surface between skin and sun.
Makes a woman feel virginal, something revered, as well as something
reviled.  What’s that about? ….how classic RC can we get, she thought.

She reposed, she reflected, she responded, she just couldn’t figure.
How could someone so intelligent be so stupid, stuck so full of the
Stench of the Past.
It is not good for humans to be too much alone,…
We are broken into pieces for a reason………..

God alone.  Just an Ego, creating, loving, enjoying, talking to itself…
But …..break it into…. oh, let’s see…. a Quadzillion pieces, and oh!
the Glorious Reflections.
Dazzling………Maddening…. and so distracting, endlessly.

So, back to  the One, back to the pieces….One, pieces, one, pieces,
ad infinitum.

She wanted to Scream it… Look Stupid, I’m Here, Ready, in the Now….
You want Results… You want me to reflect you, just like the Dream
Me reflecting You, in your one eyed fantasies… I’m Real…
I am Here because I love you…  Or… am I?  She even questioned that…

Maybe we’re just the best each of us can do, right now… we’re both
old and decrepit, as you love to keep reminding me….
So …  go find something better…. !!
oh!  the threat!
It’s all become the old struggle of Egos.  Will against will.  Who will win?
Well…you Must, or we cannot be a couple.  In your world, it is
heirarchical, and Man is on top.  In my world, I think I want a Partner,
different but equal.
How can our visions be so different?  Ore are they?
Yes, I feel superior in ways….at least i don’t Hate my Father…OR my
Mother, for that matter.  I have dear friends that I manage to keep
things well enough OK with… with distance….

Is it DISTANCE that allows for closeness, love, compassion, desire?

OK… in this world of duality, Yes, of course.
But only on a more minor scale, when it comes to life partners…
Some friends once a year, some once a week…
But that ever elusive Partner… Opposite must Be to attract… grow,
but Likeness must Flourish to sustain and maintain.
How to flourish Likeness?  Shared experience, a history built up
in time, of things to share, to remind eachother of likenesses.
But how to diminish resistance to agreement?… If it’s my idea,
it Must be bad, wrong, or at least diverted for while until it’s His.

I…Me….Me…. Mine.  A Giant shit pile of Ego.”