… the good, the bad and the confusing …

Journal, February 2006

I have two pages, side by side… one says YES, the other says NO…

On the YES side, there are all the wonderful things he says…

I see your goodness, I want to rebuild myself from inside you
I love you, your’e the love of my life, the best fuck of my life.
I’ll never fuck another woman
I’ll never lie to you
I’ll always be true to you
I’ll protect you and your family.
Do you want to be Carol Lee Souza?
Please Carol…can you help me?  I want to stop drinking and snorting…
Please, can you help me?
This place is killing me… I’m dying… Please can you help
get me out of here?
Marry me….marry me….marry me… (for the last Year)
You are my woman.  We were made for eachother.
If you come back, I’ll never let you leave.
I’m so happy… why do I feel so free?
I’m always alone… even with others…with you I don’t feel alone.
Hold me…cuddle me…Just take care of me ….
(and I see the wide open boy face)
And…he tells the guys that he’s Married…!

and then there’s the Other Page, some of the NOs…

I have nothing to offer you.
Go home.  go home, and let me die…Please.
When are you leaving?  Tomorrow?  Good!
Wouldn’t it be fun? to do this once a year?  3 mos/9 mos.
I’m going to burn this house down when I go.
I’ll kill the family upstairs if my plant gets busted.
I’ll never change.
I’m leaving soon…. will you Burn me? Please?

and then there’s the facts that anything of mine around bothers him,
and pretty much if I suggest it, he says No.

…and the fact that he doesn’t tell the women who call him
that he’s married.

He is a full time job……




… one month in …

Journal, January 31, 2006

“So much has passed this week, big ups, big downs, and I do my
best to take stock.  There are times when I literally write two lists,
positives and negatives, because I am so confused by him.

Today is a new day.  Hes’ UP, he’s moving, and maybe can I say it?
Went for a walk last night… our Second evening walk… and I
mentioned why not go to NorCal and do a crop?  We could
buy a boat, doing that.
Also as we walked along the water at the Park, I say that I’m glad
we are too old to do the kid thing…
“Why?” he asks…”I would like to try one more time to do it right”…
and yes, I understand, I tell him, but then we’d just get caught up
in things to argue about , even more than now!
Then I bring up a Project, a Collaboration… and say
“This is what we do instead of a child”  and suggest that we do the
Life Story that he’s brought up so many times, that his life and the
telling is the most viable place to start.

So today he wants to start on it.    He’s washing clothes, organizing
closets….he’s Moving.  I tell him he has to open  his Faucets…
Let the Energy flow.
Money is Energy, open it up!  He’s started walking every 2 or 3 days,
and although he won’t let me walk with him, he is seeming more alive.
Cooking, Eating, Sex, he is into these, so there’s still hope… there’s
always hope, and when I came, I told myself I would stay until there
were no doubts, one way or the other.
Things can change instantly, they can!

The days merge into eachother, and all I can remember are the
issues, which perhaps is as it should be after all.  The progression,
the swings, the ups and downs, as we journey together on this path.

Each good day gives me hope that we are going somewhere together,
and can figure this thing out.”