…it’s only a dream in Rio…

The plane banked over that giant Bay, with curling coastlines and
mountainous mounds, little lumps poking their heads up, between
the blues.  The Bay that held Pao d’Acucar and it’s little Trams …
….sugar loaf in white man speak …. gatekeeper to it’s glory.

The Bay with the battered ferry boats trekking back and forth to that
ancient City on the mainland… that City built, century upon century,
in styles and cultures from nearly everywhere, as they passed
through on their way to their next incarnation.
The Bay, the Port of a million years, the bridges and beaches of what
seemed a dreamland paradise…

My heart pounded and my breath came quick…
He would be there waiting for me, after all this time.

The view that i’d dreamed of  once again filled my sights, and still
I wondered if I was ready, if I could deal, face the real, make this
thing work in person.
Months of long distance rings, missed connections, echoing words…
please pick up…..what? please repeat.. when will you be home?…
…i miss you, can you call back, it’s a bad connection…. I miss you.

His laughter, his voice, the times he was really There despite the
distances… the photos over and over, holding the connection
like a candle, shielding it from the winds of fear and change.

The unloading, customs, paperwork, luggage, head swirling,
watching and waiting til the moment, and then….
far away in the crowd he stood, and something on his face when
he finally caught my eye brought my stomach to a standstill.

The old Raybans I’d bought him were successful in masking his
mood, but body language, no matter how closely held,
like cards to the chest, revealed so many confusing signals to
my senses, and i fought deciphering them at this crucial moment.
I had to hold to myself, be here Now, wait til he was close and
in front of me to understand.

And then face to face.  I threw my arms around him, and breathed
deeply, hearing his heart, once again smelling his closeness.
He was talking with another man, and shared some sort of irritation
when he saw my luggage.
Eyes rolled, something in the face that wasn’t for me, but for this
new guy friend who somehow understood what was up against.
I felt strangely marginalized.  Part of me was crushed, wishing for
that beautiful rush together that I’d envisioned, the
movie moment replayed in my head.
Part of me knew I had to wait.

I’d brought a big plastic tub, filled with art materials, books,
journals, jewelry findings and stones.  I had to have things to do
in that tiny space of his that only held Him.
I had to hold on to something of myself.
He, after all, was a known factor, and it was easy to be caught up
in the all consuming largeness of Him.
It all seemed quite natural to me, but somehow he wasn’t really
present, something was not aright.
And it felt like a wall…. not of bricks, I hoped….but perhaps of straw,
hay bales, something that i could huff and puff and blow down.

But for now, as we awkwardly trekked to his little Gersel Jeepy car,
we made small talk, and his mood was dark and tired.
Was he glad to see me?  Was he hung over?  Had he not slept?
Was it worry or fear, over amped or regret….
He had that ragged look to his eyes, his skin, that I’d seen before.
He was hung over and sleepless…

After we were in the car, after the miriad of turns and trails, when
we were on automatic, and on our way, did he tell of how long it
had taken to find a parking spot, and how little he’d slept, and
how long he’d been drinking.
The Aeroporto was on the same large island in Guanabara Bay, and
we’d only to drive to the other side to be back in his little cave, where
he could relax and begin to grok the reality bubble we were now in.
He poured drinks for us, and we began.

The Day had come, and here we were… each in our own way doing
our best to come to grips with this rush towards and
away from eachother.

_________________________________

… coming home …

It’s an interesting time for me now, this return
to a place that holds my heart…
Twenty Years of roots, grown strong,
dug deeply into rich soils…
Roots strike cashes gold and silver,
nourishing soul, feeding mind.

Soon I will return to the NorCal Coast and
dear ones once again…
a place of crashing surf and haunting Redwoods,
filled with the calls of
Raven and the wild,
mushrooms offering themselves to me.

A cabin waits, set in redwoods,
creek nearby, both quiet and
company for tasting once again.
Beach walks and winter wilds,
Oceaned eyes, cold pint with friend,
abalone dinners, prying
mussels off of stone,
brisk dog walks on winter days,
tucked in tight
when storms invade.

—————————–

… a little time out …

As I return to 2005, when I am leaving the big island after
a three month stay, I find myself suspended between
two distinct realities….. two places that I have left and
returned to many times in my life.

One offers rich redwood forests, dramatic crashing surf,
warm and loving community of musicians and artists, and
a place where my kids went to school.
There is a lot of History, and an embracement of Love.
This is the green place, the Heart Chakra place, where
intuition and feelings take the lead.

The other is a dream world, a place where one’s body relaxes,
immediately knowing that it is the Eden where warmth and
sustenance pours from the skies, and the cleansing salty
oceans and fresh tradewinds are healing to all parts of ones
body, soul and psyche.
A place where one can easily create whatever scenario one
chooses, for this is the Root Chakra of the planet, the Red ray
source, where healing and creation begins.

Both are equally home to me.
And in Both places…Nature dominates.
Which has always Been and will always Be…
My Drothers…..

So now….or rather in my story of 2005,
I leave the islands
and return to the womb of friends and family,
of towering trees accompanied by ravens,
my favorite birds,
and a town on the scale that I
can relate to, understand, and feel Held by.

Oddly enough, just as I write to this return,
I myself,
this myself Here and Now,
Prepare for the same return, a coming home,
a welcoming with friends and places that sink deeply
into my heart and my memories.
I move back to my
Northern California Coastal town to stay.

Alcir has been a large part of this theme, this train of
thought, this story that is about love and life and loss….

So in the return, as in each return, Alcir comes up,
for it was here we met, here he came back again and again,
and here that the places we spent time at,
the places I held him in my mind before I
returned for the last time to Brasil, these places
will once again assault my memories.
He was here too….

But this time is different….
I am not waiting for him to decide what
he wants and when.
This time I am not trying to figure out the feelings,
the longings, the confusions that he created with
his own confusions.
I do not wait…. for anything.
And
I will not be waiting for anyone….
….except myself.

And do you know how delicious that is?
To be at Peace…..
I am on my path,
the one I clear,
the one I choose,
and the one that takes me
to complete and joyful Peace.

And so the story continues, in 2005,
and my return to the NorCal Coast and
my little town of Point Arena.

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