Tag Archives: it’s all about me

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… back to the beginning …

When i started this blog, it was years ago and miles from
where i am now.  So many years, so many chapters of a
life that insists on taking the curves in the road, and being
sure to check out where those forks might lead, before
setting out again with my good hiking shoes on.

It began when dating sites yielded some provocative mind
stirrings, and i discovered there were only so many reasons
why anyone was there… including me.  Loneliness, horniness,
ego reflection, fantasy, and lots of chamophlage.  Meeting
someone who presents himself as tall dark and athletic, and
ending up on a date with a medium and balding guy with
a belly, did indeed get me thinking.
I’m not particularly cynical but after a few months i realized
that i really didn’t Want someone badly enough to go
through all the emails, all the flirts and pokes and winks,
all the coy replies and strange deserts of pauses…only to
confront the struggle of digging out who this person
Really was.
But….. good fodder for a writer!  You can read about it
by choosing ‘internet dating’ on this site…
And thus  ……..Notes from the Love Wars…….began.

Stirring up the juices percolating inside is a necessary part
of really writing, really touching on things universal, really
sharing of one’s soul thoughts.  It came in stages, but
little by little, i was coaxing out my own love wars, my own
personal battle out there in the world of the heart.
There are stories within stories, and for a while i got lost
in an Excellent one, a Super Duper Love story that goes
on to this day, and from Thirty years ago!
But it has grown into a King Kong, a Godzilla,
a Giant Blob of a story, so now it’s a book in the making,
with new chapters every week.
And it’s Good…..yer gonna Love it.
But right now, here and Now… it’s all about me… yup…me.

Now i think about where i went, and where i want to go
from here.  I want this to be about my journey Now….
and so comes the commitment once again… to Write.

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… a little time out …

As I return to 2005, when I am leaving the big island after
a three month stay, I find myself suspended between
two distinct realities….. two places that I have left and
returned to many times in my life.

One offers rich redwood forests, dramatic crashing surf,
warm and loving community of musicians and artists, and
a place where my kids went to school.
There is a lot of History, and an embracement of Love.
This is the green place, the Heart Chakra place, where
intuition and feelings take the lead.

The other is a dream world, a place where one’s body relaxes,
immediately knowing that it is the Eden where warmth and
sustenance pours from the skies, and the cleansing salty
oceans and fresh tradewinds are healing to all parts of ones
body, soul and psyche.
A place where one can easily create whatever scenario one
chooses, for this is the Root Chakra of the planet, the Red ray
source, where healing and creation begins.

Both are equally home to me.
And in Both places…Nature dominates.
Which has always Been and will always Be…
My Drothers…..

So now….or rather in my story of 2005,
I leave the islands
and return to the womb of friends and family,
of towering trees accompanied by ravens,
my favorite birds,
and a town on the scale that I
can relate to, understand, and feel Held by.

Oddly enough, just as I write to this return,
I myself,
this myself Here and Now,
Prepare for the same return, a coming home,
a welcoming with friends and places that sink deeply
into my heart and my memories.
I move back to my
Northern California Coastal town to stay.

Alcir has been a large part of this theme, this train of
thought, this story that is about love and life and loss….

So in the return, as in each return, Alcir comes up,
for it was here we met, here he came back again and again,
and here that the places we spent time at,
the places I held him in my mind before I
returned for the last time to Brasil, these places
will once again assault my memories.
He was here too….

But this time is different….
I am not waiting for him to decide what
he wants and when.
This time I am not trying to figure out the feelings,
the longings, the confusions that he created with
his own confusions.
I do not wait…. for anything.
And
I will not be waiting for anyone….
….except myself.

And do you know how delicious that is?
To be at Peace…..
I am on my path,
the one I clear,
the one I choose,
and the one that takes me
to complete and joyful Peace.

And so the story continues, in 2005,
and my return to the NorCal Coast and
my little town of Point Arena.

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