…bits and pieces…

Days pass, one after the other, without bookmarks.
Catching up, tuning in, taking care, adjusting and putting
stuff in place…
It’s been Three Days Home, after the two day journey, and
aside from her message to him that she’d arrived, there was
nothing back from him.

The lack of contact, withdrawal from connection, was overtaking
sanity, and she needed the emotional equivalent of methadone…

Knowing him, she thought, he’s likely getting wasted and numbing
out, while she was busy feeling all of it.
In that way they were very different.
But she could Feel his wobblings… his core off center…

She was coming down a rough slope, landing on excruciatingly hard
and itchy terra… and it felt like nothing could fill the void.

She reached into the abyss of time warps, and opposite sign waves,
and found little but empty hands and aching, longing questions.

If he was on the same E Ticket ride, they were both going down,
and no matter what she stuffed into the vacuumous black,
nothing satisfied.
Her way was to reach out, his to pull away.

There wasn’t enough beer or chocolate or cigarettes or mind
bending thoughts to fill it up, this she knew.
There was nothing she could do about his wastoid habits either…
… but keep busy, and keep on dialing.  He never answered…

It was a cruel time, a time that only would pass with time,
until another time took its place.
There were no answers to her questions now.
Her molecules were still collecting, still scattered across
half the planet, still sitting in that room, still lying
next to him, hearing his voice saying her name.

Just now, it felt like all was unknown.
Like Anything could happen …
Was Anything Real???

 

 

…finally a letter to him …

“December 7, 2004
Hello my dear darling crazy brasilian……
I have no idea why I only just now found your email……I have waited and searched every day, and finally decided that I should just give up.
Then, this morning, I was going over my hundreds of emails
(I sell on ebay), and THERE YOU WERE…..
First of all, let me say with all sincerity and passion that I am so glad just to know that you are alive.  Many times I have wondered, and yet
somehow I have believed that you were.
I also was afraid that you were in Desert Storm, and up there in the north, fighting the Republican Guard.  …..I guess I was right.
And yet, somehow you survived, and to read (sort of, the translations are GHASTLY), your writings has been the second thing that I am so grateful for.  To get a gleaning of what your life has been like…..
I guess I can only imagine.
I want to hear ALL of it……
Yes sweetheart, it is me.  OK, so you want proof?  What, you think
someone else is fucking with your mind?  OK….You came to my house with a Mensa brat named Steven, and you were both drunk.
You’d met at the bar….you were diving, or hoping to get a diving position at Point Arena.  It was nine o’clock, and Steven was supposed
to have cooked dinner, and you walked in with a frozen chicken.
You bowed with your hands in prayer position, and I later figured out it was because I wore a kimono.
You walked into my kitchen, and exclaimed…..
“what ees thees woooman doing with thees peecture on her wall???
I have grown up loookin at thees picture……what ees thees wooman
doing with thees theeeng???……..”
“Oh, you’re Brazilian?” …………
“Yes, what deed you theenk, I was a stupid Mexican?”………..
More? You want more?
You always left something at my house, and had to come back
to get it.
Your watch, your wallet, your sunglasses………I told you it was
because you wanted to come back…….
Oh, and you were going to vote for Bill the Cat and Opus for President………..
Remember the hot tub night?  oh my, so hot……..we were something.
Oh ya…….what car? At first you didn’t have one, I think, because you
got rides from your friend, and rode your bike (how cute was that?)
to my house.
Later, you arrived with a big fat Thunderbird…….and washed it in my yard, while I watched, and played Sade.
When you called me from Rio, you said
“I love you, and I always did…….
…and I would not want you to think something different”……….
and you kept saying  “I’ve never forgotten”……….finally I asked why…
..and your reply was one of the most poetic things anyone has ever
said to me……

“It is not often that a man can find peace”.

OK, your turn.  My heart is beating fast, and I smile to you, my
beautiful man……..
Love and kisses to you too.  I can’t wait for you to write back……
………….Carol

ps……yes, it is you.  No one has those eyes but you.”

 

 

…the letters…2004…

“O Senor,” I began….”por favor, send este email a Alcir de
Souza…es Muito Importante, Muito URGENTE!!”

…and I enclosed this note for him to pass on:

“Hello Alcir…
I can’t believe I found you.  I am so happy you are writing.
That is what you said you wanted to do when you called me from Rio.
I REALLY  need to hear from you.
I have gone thru the worst year of my life, and finding you,
no matter the circumstances, is such a blessing.

Please email me, you ShitHead……we need to talk.

Love from your crazy American….Carol”

This was the letter that I sent to the Editor of the site publishing his letters…
…those angry, anguished missiles of exasperation at a government, at
a world, gone mad.
I hoped that the Editor would have the time and the understanding to forward my note, but I really had no idea if he ever would.  There were Hundreds of Authors on this site…

There was no reply….. so I sent it again….

“Bom Dia o Senors e Senoras….
Por favor, send to O Senor Alcir de Souza el email de mia  …. delgaia@yahoo.com  .
Este muito muito importante, este muito URGENTE!…….

Muito obrigada!!……Carol Williams de USA.”

I didn’t know much Portuguese, but I figured he’d figure it out…

And finally he sent me a reply:

“Carol,
Já enviamos seu e-mail para ele  aguarde o contato.
att,
waldomiro”

I Was Ecstatic!

And then I waited…. for Weeks…. and then finally I found the following note WAAAAY back in my emails… His computer date must have been set wrong.

“November 29, 2004
Carol ?
 My delicious Carol, from my youthfull days in northern California, my crazy godess of love for whom i drove many times from Tahoe to the other end of Californiashwazerneger(Sory i couldn resist).
If is really you send me a foto and some private things that only you would know. What i was douing in there? wath car did i drove ? and other more private things .
Send me a return e mail soon.
If is you all my love and kisses !!!
Alcir
See if is realy me the man you think you know !!!!!!”
And the photo, as you can see, was an older but wiser fellow that I still knew.
And then I composed my first letter to him, after so many years….

…the man i knew…

… and Here he was, his picture sent to me nearly Twenty Years after
I had last seen him.
How I wished at the time that it was clearer, so I could look once more
into those big dark eyes, and see who he had become…