… it had been nine years …

“I would like to hear your voice again !
My Skype is *********
my Number in Norway is **************
I will call you back at my expense !
I am during something that i want you to be part of it !
PS: Does my accent is so ridiculous or is that the interpretation of
a woman that still in love ? ……………..Alcir”

Thus came the email out of nowhere….
It is dated 2/28/2015
****OK…….. now i’m taking another minute This minute….
It was exactly One Year ago….  how strange is that?
I opened the email slowly in time, heart jumped, mind fuzzy.
Why would he be writing me after soooo long?  was it 2006
the last time i saw him?   He was calling himself Capitao,
something he was very proud of.
I reread it a few times, searching for more information…
Then i wrote back….
“hello Alcir…
How strange to hear from you after all these years.
So do tell me …just what is this ‘something’ that you are doing?
I’m sure you have a few somethings goin on!
Take care……..Carol”

“Hi Carol
I am sorry to have contacted you….i was drunk and had
received news that a lady friend of mine in the usa had passed;
i did got choked and sad and was somehow concerned about you….
….sorry again…i wish you all the best..but we should stay as
we were till now; there’s too much hurt and revenge in the
memory of the very bad times provoked by my self;
i do sincerely want you to be happy and live a long and
prosperous life.I do promise not to contact you anymore.
Best Regards
Alcir ”

My heart jumped…. No!  Wait…. (I think)… one minute here.

And i proceeded to write a note that reached out to someone
willing to be vulnerable and tender,  after so long.
“hi Alcir… no problem in your reaching out.  I honestly thought 
you wanted to work on your life story or something…
After seeing American Sniper, I actually said aloud to myself..
“his story is much better”… and that was last week.  Funny…
I have no desire for revenge.  I did everything i could, and 
stayed until i knew nothing would change.  You moved on 
quickly, and found a new life, perhaps one that fulfilled all
your boyhood dreams…
Yes, i will allow you to take the responsibility for some very bad
times, but we did have good ones too.  It’s always both… it just
has to be a lot more good than bad to work for me.  And being
denigrated and belittled has never been my style.
But i detect a teeny tiny apology there, and I will take it,
and thank you for it.
My life is happy, I am living in Point Arena again, and enjoy
good health and lots of friends… as well as enjoying a good
helping of alone time.  I have learned to really relish being alone,
and i consider it a sign of maturity and health on my part.
I wish you well too, to live long and prosper as Leonard would say,
and to finally be at peace with all that you have lived and all
that you are… a real handful, but a wonderfully unique individual
with great attributes.

… fire and peace …

mick's sunset

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul

and makes us reach for more,

that plants a fire in our hearts

and brings peace to our minds.

And that’s what you’ve given me.

That’s what I’d hoped to give you forever.”

……………….Nicholas Sparks

… sheee’s baaaack …

Hi all… surprised to see me?  and after all these days, months,
years?   well…….. just couldn’t stay away forever, could I.

There’s been so many changes, so much goings and comings,
and once again that Brasilian is in my life… and for good this time.

Want to hear more?  Stay tuned.  I have so much to tell you,
and we are starting a New Blog!  with video conversations and
a thousand insights ….

mendo coastStay close, stay tuned, stay Happy!

… it’s all about me …

face in love

face in love

I used to think that Love could do all, heal all, and be all.
I used to believe in love Above all, and that it could conquer
every doubt, no matter the cost, because the ultimate in life
just had to be finding the One and Being in Love with that
other, that mirror, soul mate and journey friend.

I still believe in Love, but in a very different way.
I have grown up, finally, and it feels wonderful!
Real Love, True Love is not attached to any one person….
It is that which is called Unconditional Love.
And that includes yourself, and can include others, and
the world at large, Life itself.

This story is about me, and my journey through and to the
other side of this naiive, albeit heartfelt notion.
It may appear to be about the particular man at a particular
place I was at in my life, but it really is about Me, and how
experiences that we call to ourselves, create for ourselves,
are really such rich learning grounds for reaching for other
levels and bardos of awareness.

Shedding those sometimes thick and tenacious skins can be
painful.   And often we resist, especially when there is love and
attachment involved.  I mean, isn’t love supposed to feel good?
Well…yes… but there are always deeper reasons, and if we are
willing to delve into it and actually look, we can have the great
opportunity to benefit in ways we may never have dreamed of
consciously…. but our Soul knows.

Let your Soul be Your Pilate…Let Your Soul Guide You,
as my friend Sting has said…

We have called this to us… I called this to me, as he called
it to himself as well.

Growing up is hard work.  It means letting go of a whole lot of
shit that we would rather hold close.
Change is hard, and the human animal resists change at all cost.
It’s painful, and it’s costly on many levels.  But nothing is more
valuable to our Soul’s work here on this planet, and particularly
at this time of evolution and transition to higher vibrations and
consciousness that we are a part of.

So this story is an attempt to share not only a remarkable life and
being that I was privileged to be very close with, the heady intimacy
of it all…..It is a wonderful Romantic adventure worth telling….
But it also maps the journey that I took to move through and
beyond all my childish notions that I held so dearly…
Notions about what love really is…
and on to a more stable and rich abundance of Options in my life,
now that I am no longer imprisoned within the confines of fantasy
and wishful thinking, which I indulged in all of my life.
We All tend to see what we Want to see, what we Expect to see…
and often ignore signals and signs, out of our Desire for Love.
And we don’t get a lot of help from the culture we live in!

Genuine love, and truly Seeing someone and how beautiful they are,
how unique and delightful they are, and how thrilling it is to be so
close with someone so overwhelmingly powerful and Full of Life…
well….it is just that…
Thrilling, invigorating, humbling, terrifying and exciting…
the potential crashing together of two Souls filling your imagination…

This Truly was a Love, for Both….but…
As a close friend said, so simply and so wisely…
“Sometimes love isn’t enough…”


…june 13 2005…

Today I face my fears.  Today I face creating money,
being on my own, not knowing what the future holds,
and liking what I have created for myself.

Go towards what opens, leave what closes….

Last nite after talking with Alcir, I went on his writers’ site
as he had asked… he thought a virus had perhaps affected it…

And there… 4/26/05…. is a new “erotic poem”.  And
what am i to assume?
Is it about me?  how can it be?  Is it about Her…
…whichever her it might be?

How am I to know?  Yet the title is in Portuguese, and it
will not translate for me, and it seems like it’s either
“You Did Not Come”… or “Don’t  Come”…

It’s some sad poem that talks about never her,
not showing up at all, and never knowing his Love…
but something about not coming…. and
one could easily take that in several ways.

I call him…..  I am confused, as well as potentially angry and jealous.

About all he could offer me was to ask me if I was jealous…
He seems unwilling to give a straight answer, and unable
to just Talk about Anything…
There is no explanation, resolution, or sense made of any of it.

I am left with something akin to everything else right now….
Nothing is sure, and It’s all up to me.

Then I watch a film and I take down a quote…
“God is the principle of simplicity and unity that seems to be
underneath all the complexity at the surface of things.”

I like what i hear…..

…and this is from a group of top scientists and theologians
that had gathered in order to redefine God for the 21st century,
bringing spiritual and scientific value into greater harmony.

and then the Journal …

“She let him go.  He was an aquarian after all…. and what is
anything without freedom…”

This terrible letting go engulfed her, and she realized that
was all she could do.  Let go with Love… because that was
still there with all its prickly holdings.
But letting go of any semblance of Control was the only
path there for her.  It was the high road for both.

Somehow she got in this place, the place of releasing
him and herself from any expectations or obligations…
and then serendipity came along,
and this song kept on going round and round….
..and it was in an Angelina Jolie film she watched,
and it spoke the truth… and as tears fell, she
stood on its ground at that moment.

Love Song

Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am Home again.
Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am Whole again.

However far away,
I will always love you.
However long I stay,
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you;
I will always love you.

And for a Sexier Version… a newer cover by Adelle…

Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am young again.
Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am fun again.

However far away,
I will always love you.
However long I stay,
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you;
I will always love you.

Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am Free again.
Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am Clean again.

However far away,
I will always love you.
However long I stay,
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you;
I will always love you.



…what is love?…

Ah the eternal question… n’est pas?

What is it that turns stable and sane people, who are
quite able to function and breeze over most of the big
bumps in life…
…into creatures who suddenly find themselves on a
rollercoaster of internal chemicals, unable to
think of much else, and behave like mindless
blubbering idiots?

“Love…an intense feeling of deep affection, a deep romantic
or sexual attachment to someone;
fondness, darling, passion,
to fancy, be fond of, or adore.”

Well!  that certainly covers a bit of territory.
Me thinks we need about 18 words for love, like the
Eskimo/Inuit with their many words for Snow…
(although Google tells me this is another myth, and that
the European Sami People are the ones with all the words)

No wonder we’re confused. Let’s try going deeper…

“1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as
for a parent, child, or friend.”

or how bout…

“1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude
toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition
of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person
with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion
of sex and romance.
3. a. Sexual passion.
Sexual intercourse.
A love affair.”

And it goes on…and on…

My Favorite is ….
“a Zero score in tennis.”

OK… now I’m even more confused.
Biologically, they say it’s all about Chemistry.
There are wonderful substances that release when we
‘fall in love’, and these create such pleasure in our brain
centers, it becomes a high very much like cocaine,
and apparently, just as addictive.
But that still doesn’t answer the Why of it…
Why do we ‘fall in love’ with only certain someones…?

For me, I know that I was programmed for it….let’s call it
Romantic Love.
I’m an American, and between the old fairy tales, Disney,
and Hollywood… well, there ya go.

I was also somewhat sheltered, raised on myths, prone to
fantasy, and innocent in the most wholesome way.
I have grown wise to the world, but I am still a fool
when it comes to Love.

But I Do know the difference between “Being in Love”, which
is the Romantic equivalent of idiotic infatuation, and Real Love.
And I don’t think Anyone outgrows the ability to fall in love,
at least for a little while.
Out of mind would be the appropriate phrase.

But as time passes, if you have some genuine aspects there
that hold your interest and continue the attachments, you begin
to have Real Love, which is this deep and abiding feeling of tender
appreciation and attachment,  plus an admiration for parts of
a person, even though you are well aware of their
shortcomings and rotten parts.

This is very different from the first, and much more satisfying.
It is at this phase that you might actually find someone
you can stay with.

Well…?  don’t you honestly in your heart of hearts finally
somewhere believe there is a Someone for you, a someone
that was predestined to find you, or you them,
…someone who will be the mirror to your disposition and the
puzzle piece you’ve been waiting for…
…the perfect fit sexually, of course…..as well as
Someone who will appreciate the little parts of you that
others might find strange and irritating…
…and it really helps if that someone also Real Loves You…

Oh, the Right one will not only Get it, they will Enjoy it…
Relish it, Savor those eccentric, delightful parts of you, that
you Know are wonderful and shareable… and just a little weird.

Come on … admit it.  Even the cynics, the disheartened,
the broken hearted, and the most world weary amongst us…

I am willing to bet that down in the heart of your beaten up little
heart, is that soft little core, that childishly, purely as a child,
sweetly as butterflies, believes there will be someone who will
Understand who we Really are, while also turning us on….

….to the point of mind bending ecstatic transformational
blending of two souls into one magnificent pulsating
glowing being….whilst allowing us to leave our bodies and
become one with the Universe…
…oh wait…am I aiming too high?

Come on…. it’s there, you know it…
otherwise, why would we keep on trying to find it?

I wonder, as I look clearly at it now, if I was up to the task.
I chose not only a Brazilian man, but also a genius…
a Revolutionary, free thinking, well educated wild man,
…who read all the classics while still a child, and dreamed
of being one of those heroes who changed the world.
A man who saw very early that Most of the present world
is basically bullshit, and way off course.
Someone who didn’t fit in, and never wanted to.
And someone who was punished
from day one for being who he was.

And with a primal spirit that chose a physique so enriched and
so blessed, as to be called Special….in the nicest way….

So able and blessed, that he believed on the one hand that
he was able to do Anything, while on the other hand having
been told he was bad, so bad he was not even worth a mother’s love.
Confused, torn, convoluted, lonely, cynical, and hopeful…
…and a complete Romantic.

Do I like challenges….ya think?

So what’s my deal?  And what have I learned from all of this,
this story that is still and yet half-told…?

One…. Sometimes Love is not enough.
Two…. we know not what the goal or outcome is, or might be.
Three… let go and let…(insert the name of whomever you choose
as your source of wisdom, life and trust.)
Oh, and don’t forget
Four…. shit happens, the Universe decides, and shit happens.
Stuff floats into life…and we call it, even if we deny it.

That, and making Art of Life… is my project, my path, and
my choice… deal with it, process it, and enrich Life itself.

And make your wishes known to the Universe, visualize what
you’d like, and then…..choose what comes…



…internal journal…

  January 6, 2005

So… the talks we have, long and into the night, are frequented
with lots of booze, but when he’s inebriated, he really talks,
expounds with theories and diatribes, on ethics and commitments,
on his mind set and why.

It’s pretty darned interesting, but it’s also a lot of work.  I feel
exhausted from it, and I’m not quite sure of the whys.
I feel like I need to record this, and that it is important somehow.
But why do I feel this way?

It is important because he is a movie in the making, because his
voice is a broad band of incomparable experience of Maleness
in this world.
.. or am I just puffing it all up with importance…?

You can see the cover of my old journal, and it speaks for itself.
I knew what I was getting in to, yet there was no going back.

Interesting things are occurring in my brain throughout all of this…
First there was the fantasy, the romantic movies that were left in
my storehouse, replayed so many times that I was truly unsure of
what was the truth anymore.

I remember writing quickly, to remember clearly, so as not to distort
it, but still after all this time, I am no longer assured it is the truth.
No one else even knew him, except my daughter Piney a little, and
she adored him.  A couple people MET him, but I know no one else
now who Knew him then.

So as these weeks have passed, I notice the old movies fading, and
a new gathering image formulating before me.   One based on bits
and pieces, gleaned from long conversations, one building upon
another, like pixels filling in the dots to dots, and a new man begins
to emerge before me, in my mind’s eye.

Yet these eyes, which lived to eat up his countenance, these eyes
which were so delightfully pleased with the sensual pleasures of his
physical self…….they are not allowed to be involved in this re-
formulation yet, this complete re-assembling of information.

And now I see the brain attempting to overlay one upon the other,
the  old, or rather Younger Alcir, the iconic hero character who
flashed in and out of my reality…overlayed like images on Velum…
over this new Alcir, the more complex and complete picture of the
man, without the eyes filling in and informing my soul.

These eyes see much, and I depend on them to grant me information
that they grasp on so many levels.  Will they adore what they see,
or will they speak of pain and sadness, and too much to handle?

This other life that I head towards, this being that impacted my orbit
with great explosions and re-adjustments…that in effect changed
some of my life’s directions..  enlarging my horizons, and filled in
spaces by his very existence..can I now integrate him into my
daily life, can I hold it all, and still keep hold of myself?

We are tumbling towards eachother, as surely as stars on trajectory
into a future that holds more explosions and murgings, to
create a new being, a new reality, a new star in the night sky.
What will this star pour out into the universe?
And what is IT’s life about?

This particular evening, after he’s heard I have a ticket,
a date, a plan…
…..after he’s been back in the shadows smoking his cigar,
hiding his hopes…
After spreading himself like jam on my  toast …
with that poem, that said his heart was new and open…
….after the shared heart stories…
….his youthful joy renewed…

He’s been back there, waiting for my true reply, waiting to SEE…
“I want to SEE it”   he’s said, over and over.

So he leaves the phone to pee…and when he comes back,
his voice is insistent…
“One thing just occurred to me…
You’re not Bullshitting me, are you?”

It was a statement, not a question.