Journal in Rio, January 20, 2006

“What a three weeks it has been, since I arrived here …
I am learning how to communicate with him, without emotion,
and this seems to be our singular project right now….
His anger, my tears, which of course just set him off more.
I have to be the one to change it, stand up to him, which is
not only scary, but extremely challenging, since he is such
a Master of Bullshit.
He’s used to getting his way by charm, by swift words with
perfect timing, or by bullying.
I must say it is one of the larger challenges I have met in
my life!
One quite significant happening last night was the intense
but brief conflagration over money.  He asked me for $10,
I asked for what, he said “what do you think?”, I said NO,
then his Breathtaking FIT, one obviously rehearsed from
years of attack and manipulation.
Then he comes over, stands over me, does his STARE,
….seconds pass, and slowly we begin to crack up, and then…
the dark cloud dissipates.

Moments later he just throws in this amazing, clear, brief
statement….
“Thank you for not letting me go snort… it’s just a habit,
an impulse… you know, an impulse?  I really don’t want
to do it anymore.”
End of chapter.  After that, we proceed to have the Best
evening so far….. the TV went off, the music played, drinks
but no powder, with lots of laughs over cooking Camarao
and the snacks I bought…. and he even enjoyed them,
after the Weeks of protests about my shopping for My foods,
My inability to change and my need to Rule (!)….
Can you say Projection?…
and he actually was Present and Funny and I feel like
I am finally learning how to deal with him a little.
These days have so many ups and downs, I can’t keep track.
It’s All about Him, and it makes my head spin, how he is
all over the board.

My instincts were correct at coming here when I did…
I felt him not only slipping away from me, but closing down
and going Dead inside, in his Heart.

Dead Man Walking must be his Indian name!  and I keep saying
WAKE UP!  WAKE UP!  WAKE UP!
which really pisses him off…..

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… breakthroughs …