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…chili makes me hot….

Oh, i love cooking.  Tonite it’s chili, with three beans and tomatoes from the garden.  Get them warming up, add some onions and garlic that have done a little saute-ing to get them ready for the mix.  Now comes 2 kinds of chiles, one low tone, one high tone… get the whole chorus goin.   And did i mention curry, cumin, and More garlic?  Shreds of fresh ginger…. mmmmm….

Right now that’s where it stands, with chunks of mushrooms slowly readying themselves for the big dip into meld-land.  MMMMmmm… and i add a little butter to the olive oil, to ease their transition into agreement with the rest.   They are ever so much happier with butter to make them feel ok about themselves…. oh aren’t we all…!!!

So, while they make yummy noises, and fill the air with expectations, I sit drinking a glass, or two, of this insane wine that does the trick….  GNARLY HEAD Old Vine Zin…. 2009….14.9%…. oh ya…. Highly recommended.

It has been known to inspire cooks and writers….

So… where did i leave off?  The three most hopeful hopefuls, Two with major Jitters in their pants.  They got scared.  So why is this?  I have some theories, but let me start by suggesting that…. they had more Options.

This is something that my oldest daughter and I have been chatting about for a while.  Because i am now an ‘older woman’, with a proclivity for younger men ……………..

Oh, let me take a moment out here to mention that those mushroom chunks just slid effortlessly, and without complaints  i might add,  into the ever growing pot.  Now it simmers quietly……and i pour another glass…..

So now we enter in … to the deeper depths … of Cultural Reality.  Girlfriends, please listen to me, because it doesn’t matter how fabulously exceptional you are, how well endowed you are, or how well you’ve taken care of yourself, and how many times people tell you …. “Oh my god, you can’t be bladeblah..!!”  (meaning age).  The fact is, Still to This Moment, we are fighting a loosing battle with a Cultural Cliche.   The Guy is Always supposed to be Older than the Girl.  Can you believe it?… after all this time and work, still we are squirming and stuggling against that taut line that pulls us in and says…..  Sorry…. too old…..  You might be cool, you might be hip, you might be gorgeous,  healthy and exceptional… unique in a way that ‘they’ will never find in a younger woman. ..but… It’s the facts, mam.

As my daughter tells me…. it’s all about Options.  Men have more options.  And yes, it has to do with those divisive things like Fertility, what other Men might think, Looking Good to the world, and reassuring themselves and others that they aren’t dead yet.

Ok… i’m being harsh here, but I’ll be honest.  When you get down to it, that is the baseline.  We are still living in a Man’s World, and the Rules Still Apply.

Oh, and my Chili is getting so excellent, and believe me i wish there was some guy smart enough to want to share this with me, but since right now my Boy friends consist of my Dog Arlo, my Cat Guava, and my three boys….. Bo (rainbow), Sparky, and Ru (rhubarb), who are all gorgeous Betta fishes, I think i shall just throw in some fresh organic Corn, and a little Shoya……some sage from the garden….  NO!!! Not in the Fish!  Do Not Add into Fishes!…. Into the Fabulous and Bitchin and super yummy Chili that will come to Fruition really soon, and then

I will watch more of Season 4 of “30 Rock”.  Damn, that Tina Girl is my Hero.       I think watching it for hours might have affected my mind… what do you think???  After while Alligators….

 

 

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…..the options pileup….

OK… so you’re probably wondering when I’m getting back on track, and talking once again about this internet dating thing.  Well, this week I am tying it all together, and doing some deep meditations on just what the heck has transpired, and just what the heck I want.

For isn’t that the real question here?  What do I want… now, at this time in my life, when looking back, I have had so much love, so many interesting friends and companions, and several deep and lasting connections that put dents in my heart…  what will make Carol happy just now?

I am not sure that hooking up with someone and trying to start all over, is really the answer.  The online search has been interesting (don’t you love that word?) and frustrating, informative and confusing…. any more adjectives we can throw at it?  So let me just lay down a few of the strangenesses I’ve endured in the last, oh say 3 months….

A good time ago, I started emailing with this fellow, who was my age exactly, which if you have been reading my stuff, you know is not my cup of tea.  My experience, which of course allows for many exceptions, is that men my age are frequently stuck, often macho with double standards, and usually haven’t taken real good care of themselves in the health department.  Many are Vets, adding some deep issues, most have had really difficult breakups, on and on.  Some say they’ve never Been married, which is a big fat red flag…

So this one fellow just wouldn’t give up.  He looked very kind and sincere, and at last I consented to meet.  He is a very sweet and caring guy, brought me a rose, paid for lunch at the Thai place (that’s a 2 score, one for pay, one for good taste), and he showed me his Spyder motorcycle.  Cute.  Looks like a Transformer.  So we go on a few dates, rode his spyder, go to a pow wow, which neither of us had seen before.  He’s accomplished, kind, smart, and even winters in Mexico.  So…? they ask…  I just didn’t Feel it.  Nice guy, good vibes, trust, comfort.  But no chemistry for me.  Not the touch, not the kiss, just Not at all.  Friends.  Someone to go to the movies with sometimes.                        He also has major health issues which I will not go into here, and that does contribute to that feeling, or lack thereof, I must admit.  Later on I will reveal some of the reasons for that.   So …that was the best so far, of my meetings with strangers.  He’s in Mexico, and I doubt that I will be invited, because I wasn’t into having sex.  There, I said it.

Next are the two very interesting guys with whom I spent many hours of talking on the phone.  And somehow I really thought the connections were real… all that laughter and agreement.  Both were younger (Yeaaaay), and I did feel that below-the-belt warmth.  Oh Good!  It’s not dead!   Each was somewhat fascinating in his own way.  One was part of a group that deals with metaphysical experiences, and he described some really moving things he’d been through, I was quite taken, and this went on for a month or so.  Since he was Hawaiian (mmmm… brown skin, big guy, gentle, played slack key) we couldn’t easily meet, but there were mentions of mainland visits on business.  So suddenly, or gradually and I just suddenly got it… he began to get strange.  He had revealed so much of himself to me, and asked that I do the same.  He wanted soft spots, weaknesses, vulnerable places, mistakes I’d made in life.  And then, know what?  He started to use them against me.  Really… this is not paranoia.  He got really critical and a little crazy, and finally I broke it off.  Then he de-friended me on Facebook… how old are we?  I was left in the wake of stuff I will never understand, and the only comfort is knowing other people who know him (in this group we are in), who have seen similar strange behaviors.  At least it wasn’t just me….

The other one was more recent, an even better prospect, and again we talked endlessly on the phone…. laughter !  agreement !  thinking in similar ways… and he was a big guy, traveled extensively, worldly and very hip.  Great Laugh, and again, younger.  Feelin it…. oh ya.  Getting excited about meeting him sometime… he wasn’t that far away.  So he says we should meet.  We set the day, and ….. the afternoon before, I get an email.  An email, after dozens of hours on the phone.  It says…. he’d like to see a full picture of me, since I only have head shots on the site.  Well, I call him, and tell him this feels really weird.  Like, we’re meeting Tomorrow… why this today?  The long and short is that he needs to see me fully, and basically won’t come up tomorrow if he doesn’t get the pics.  This is even as I’ve told him that all photos are in storage, and it means I have to go there and move stuff and sort thru stuff to find what he is asking for.  No, no one’s here to take my picture either…

So I do all that, email the pics, and wait.  His email says he likes them, I look great, have style, blahdeblah…. and he’ll call later.  Later…. he sends an email, and says….”blahdeblah, however I feel no need to meet you yet”.  Slam……. and Yet?  why was that thrown in?  And it all just went downhill from there, because me being who I am, I called him and said “what the what?”…. why are you being so weird?  and basically he said it was a Test, and he didn’t like the way I acted and reacted.   A Test??  a TEST?

So here ends this portion of my broadcast.  I will be back with more Tales of the Love Lorn, and by the time I finish, you will understand somewhat, why I am Really Tired of this whole scene.  People are Weird, plain and simple.  I am not immune to the same disease, but believe me folks…. not this weird!

 

 

 

 

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…a twig on the tree of life….

You know, i still find myself in the wake of the film “The Tree of Life” .                  I watched it yet again, amidst late hours and food orgies and wine drifts, and still now today i am left in this strange and nebulous thought-system that seems to be, in part, mimicking the imagery of yesterday’s watch.

Before i go any further, let me once again remind you that i LOVE it when you Go To My Site.  ONE….. you get a much better visual of the beauty of words and colors and design.  TWO…. because I LIKE It when i know you have visited my site!!  I Love Feedback my Friends!

This film was Other.  And I like it.  A lot.  Brad Pitt has succeeded in embedding himself into my cosmic brain, and his moment to moment emotings have just left me Breathing and Breathless at the same time.

(He has also invaded my dream sequences, which always tells me there is something there that is timeless, iconic ((i know, i love that word)), and trust me,  it is more than wishful thinking or sexual fantasy)

No… i am no spin minded adoration member…. no… this film really allowed him to share with us what he’s learned.  Fatherhood has been not only beneficial to him…  it has been assimilated, cross referenced, and now has emerged this new being, sprung from the chrysalis of emotional dimensions… his Face in many scenes thoroughly Makes the film.

Some Critiques i have read speak about confusion, as tho linear thought is all that matters.  It doesn’t.  We all need to think on both sides of the brain.

I am once again a fan of the Two of them, Him and Her, for they are some sort of Archetypal reflection of correctness in Priorities.  The most beautiful and talented duo to come along since Liz and Richard  (am i dating myself?  or is film outside of decade dimensions?) I do believe this man has come into his Own, due in some Part to his partnering up with this Woman, this mysterious and somewhat neurotic woman, who also desires to Be the Best She Can, and is a sort of beacon to what is coming, what is Our desire, to what we want to be when all is said and done.

Goddess bless them, and their little family, and their beautiful visions of what Can be… they are well matched, and Are a Shakespearean drama that is being enacted quite Admirably by our Lovely and Iconic players.

So…. that is tonight’s thoughts.  I love this life.  We are privileged, not only to Live it, but to Share it….. how wonderful a Time to be Alive!

 

 

 

 

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…the tree of life…

I watched a film last night that is truly one of the more original pieces of work that I have ever seen.   I rented it because it’s the newest Brad Pitt film, and also stars Sean Penn.  Uh… sorta figured it might be good, ya think?

“The Tree of Life”  is nothing short of an Art Film of magnitudinous worth.  Is that a word?  Well it is now.  The screen fills your eyes with ongoing images that are like dreams, memory flashes, thoughts made light in another dimension.   It piles on images, moments of life, collaging feelings and moving snapshots to layer a story.

And it tells a story, but in a way that is unlike anything I’ve ever seen, for it is not chronological, nor is it based on words.  Just Light in Patterns that speak to your mind, imparting emotions, fitting into pieces that eventually create understanding.

Bradd Pitt is one of those actors who just keeps on growing in his choice of parts, and his immersion in them.  In this film, he is touching, graceful, tender, and a complete jerk, rolled into one man who you begin to understand and even forgive.  He is wrenching with the depths he reaches.

Apparently Terrance Malick only made a few movies since the sixties, but this has to be his Masterpiece.  The scope and sweep of it, the unique methods that convey his vision, to my mind are unmatched.

Have I peaked your senses yet? Read about it.  Go see it.  Rent it.  Watch it twice.  Watch it in parts and pieces.  You will not be disappointed.

 

 

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…a name by any other rose….

What is in a name?  is it your inner soul, or your wished for image?  On the dating sites, names tell you a lot about the person, especially because they’re all trying to come across as something.  Sometimes it’s the real self, or at least the attempt to share the real self.  More often, I suspect, it’s the Look they want to have, the persona they would like to be seen as, with sunglasses and a great hair day.

Thought I’d share one of the more amusing aspects to this JOB I’ve taken on, of interviewing hot prospects, who either look good, sound good, or keep on hustling me.

Since this has been a source of delightful chuckles for me, I thought it only fair that I compile a list of some great examples.  I hope you enjoy these.

>>>First, some names are self evident….

Bear

Bobcat

Widoweroofun

RU1GR8LADY

53goingon33

availnow

kissingyou

harleymanwidow

78sarge

Speedy.

Rocky

Sunsetguy

>>Then come some that begin to be a little more amusing, strange or puzzling:

twaters ….. I think his name is waters, (first name tim?), at least I’m hoping…

goodwill_looking ….. clever name

coolmark007 …. Is he cool, ya think?

Montepython……….not sure… is this what he Likes, or what  He’s like?

TGIG  ….wish I knew what the last G was for

nitro1077 ….look out!

funcdatt …. Uh huh… ya baby

set free ….. uh, are we talking jail here?

Easygoingnostress …. Just to be clear…

owlreader37 …and he looks like Karl Marx

funcoolseniorfun … 81, is “clean and neat, has lots of movies.”

latinmanlooking….. guess he’s a blonde blue eyed Italian, cause he doesn’t look latin to me, but he knows what the ladies like.

Donaldwild …………oh Donald!

ronrocket … pilot, young, with No Info, and keeps flirting w me… says he’ll relocate.

darkgrey … a scorpio, in an awfully serious pose

partyguyfun ….. ok, just in case you want to get serious…

Sloop707 …. Ok, you gots a boat

>>And then it begins to really get good…..

noirblu …. Lots of pics, in lots of disguises….kid you not!

hotfun …. Need I say more?

Funguyhot…. Ok, let’s give a little more….”I am very sexually active, and like to see great movies and find good restaurants.  I’m not interested in a religious nut.  I particularly like Teachers (hmmmm? A little role playing?).   She has to be beautiful and sexy and highly intelligent and finds interest in almost everything in life.”      OK, just a simple guy, not asking for much… he better be rich…

dammitdan … suffers from Turrets?

romanicfun (sic) … he’s in a cowboy hat, and the pic is circle shaped, like on a spaghetti sauce label…. And he Did spell it that way.

funsnickerbar …. Use your imagination

escapee … “enjoys sexual adventures w right partner, and for her to wear something silky as opposed to cotton to bed” …  uh, where did he escape from pray tell? and well,  he certainly knows what He wants…

nonprophet … cute name…oh this one was 5’3”, an absolutely adorable leprochan in suspenders, a sort of checkered visor cap, with thumbs up and a big grin… he kept sending flirts, and says he’s very supportive of sick partners, and hopes for the same back.

…and saving the best for last….

GR8LAY ….  He’s from Florida, a burly black guy with a big gap tooth grin,  shown casually posing, arms akimbo, against large and famous places, casinos, waterfalls, sweeping scenics, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and looking all buff, and he mentions he likes to Travel, like to Europe and the Caribbean… I think he knows what he likes too…!

Enjoy the day!  I will, cause IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!

LOVE ALL of YOUS…..

 

 

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…and the answer is…

Ok, so no one even tried to guess who the person was who wrote this wonderful tune.  Oh well.  It was just Michael Jackson’s favorite song Ever, and has been recorded by just about everyone and forever… oh well.

Before I go further, let me remind you to go directly to my site, as I’ve noticed that the emails wordpress sends out are really ugly.  Badly laid out.  And they ruin my spacing and artful layouts.  Please.  Go.  to.  My.  Site.  An even bigger reason?   Then I get encouragement from seeing the visit numbers go up.  And folks, writing is such a lonely art…. we need encouragement.

So…..Who wrote ‘SMILE’…?  It was Charlie Chaplin!  That was such a surprise to me, and I had no idea he did any musical type stuff, but it’s not really a giant anomaly.   People with tons of talent seem to let it leak out in all directions.    It almost doesn’t matter what they do, if they aim their energies there, it works.

I seem to have three different themes going on in my head right now, so soon as I focus on one, you’ll know it.  And it will be soon.  They’re stacking up like train cars, and getting impatient to be on their way.

Peace……………..

 

 

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…smile….

Who amongst you knows who wrote this old well known song?

SMILE

Smile though your heart is aching…….. Smile even though it’s breaking.             When there are clouds in the sky you’ll get by.
If you Smile through your pain and sorrow ……..Smile and maybe tomorrow      You’ll see the sun come shining through………. For you.
Light up your face with gladness…………………..Hide every trace of sadness.         Although a tear may be ever so near…….                                                        That’s the time you must keep on trying…Smile, what’s the use of crying..               You’ll find that life is still worthwhile ……… If you just Smile

If you know who wrote this little treasure, please Comment me….                        If you don’t, I’ll be back tomorrow to surprise you!

 

 

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…zap oracle is my new love….

His latest is about aging, and he begins with this thought:                                 “For many, aging is not about feelings, not about youth, it is about hotness.”

“Corporeal incarnation was probably a deal you made. Drunk on nectar and ambrosia, a giddy moment between incarnations, and with the foolish overconfidence of the disincarnate, you signed on for a mortal incarnation, which at the time seemed like the intense thing to do, kind of like a Nineteenth Century adolescent who thought going to war would be an exciting adventure.”   ………Jonathan Zap

This guy is a wonderful writer and a major thinker.  He’s also Wildly Amusing…. I highly recommend your checking out his site, and checking in once in a while, when you need a little pick me up.  He does just that!

Right now I’m half way through this latest missiles, and over my morning cup, have decided once again that he’s a worthy guru.  Hope you enjoy touching in on a brilliant mind.

http://www.zaporacle.com/you-are-only-as-old-as-you-are-the-six-noble-truths-of-the-zap-philosophy-of-aging/#comment-449

 

 

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…robert downey jr….

Have you seen the film Chaplin, made in 1992?… Robert Downey Jr plays the original screen clown, and if you haven’t seen it, forget the fact that you may have no idea who Charlie Chaplin is.  I know a lot of you are too young to know or appreciate the history of film, and just what he was in that early world.   And that’s fine, just See The Film.

Likely old flashes come to mind of what he looked like, and it’s also likely that those images are from a long series of adverts from back in the eighties.  A friend of mine auditioned those decades ago, as he is an incredible mime        (a Real mime, not the ones trying to get out of a box), and he said he walked into a room full of Charlie Chaplins, like 300 of them.  It must have been pretty surreal.   Oddly enough, he ended up with the contract, and it was a big one…. Billy had Five Years as Charlie, for the IBM series.  So there you go, and there’s your reference, I bet.

Chaplin was in on the earliest films, before they were Talkies.  And his antics, along with Max Sennett’s vision, really set a lot of the old black and white style.   He was incredibly talented, nimble as they come, and funny as shit.        I think we can easily say Intelligence shined through his work, although right now you’re likely thinking:  Slapstick? Intelligent? well…Yes.  And the inheritor of a classic form, Commedia, that goes back to Greek and Roman times.

RDJ does the most amazing work in this film, his physicality startling, his miming ability (the ability to physically imitate a person, or act out a situation without words)  Beyond.  Believe me, you will be delighted and amazed if you’ve never seen this film.

It was early in his career, before his big bumps with sex, drugs, rockandroll, but it shows him in his full youth and beauty.  A lot of the film fills in his history and the details of the times, and it is definitely worth watching, but I admit to double and triple playing those scenes where he just does his act as Charlie.   One more thing:  Just Look at those Eyes!  Oh ya… one more thing… he got an Oscar and Golden Globe Nomination for best actor.   And I need to note that Kevin Kline played the most adorable version of Douglas Fairbanks ever.  And there is a tasteful reference to his being gay, which I had never heard.  In those days, it was never spoken, and he was married to Mary Pickford, a major star at the time.   I guess things haven’t really changed that much, especially in Hollywood.

Another film that he did, one that didn’t get a lot of press, is FUR, with Nicole Kidman.  It’s a fantasy film about the photographer Diane Arbus, he plays a furry neighbor covered head to toe like a circus character, and since she is fascinated with freaks, she becomes obsessed with him.    The film is somewhat dark, and holds you captivated.  This time,  it’s his eyes that do the capturing, and since that’s about all you can see clearly, he works them beautifully.   Again…..Gorgeous eyes, and a fun film.  If it’s not an Indy,               it sure feels like one.

I am so happy that he has gotten himself together, and with IRON MAN allowing him to break out and show some star power  (and as he said, be a super hero to his little boy),  perhaps we’ll see more  acting ability from this extraordinary guy.  I hope he chooses some challenging parts, and stretches himself to new heights of pleasure for us, and for him, because he’s                  one of the Big ones.

 

 

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…letter to some guy … or… sheeeesh!

Too many words.  Too much time with too much talking.   I am not letters and numbers.    I am an ever moving rotating changing nebulae of a combination of innumerous elements, causals and vortexes.

I cannot be measured by inches and instruments, nor with words or a voice.     I must be experienced.  Too much mind equals Stupid.

Why do we love dogs?  Because they don’t talk.  They must be Felt.   Words can be a defensive fence.

Phone talks and mail words do not love create, nor allow.   They are not closeness, they are not touch, they are not Grok.    You may love something they said, but that is not them.    You may hate something they wrote, but that is not them.    They may write something, or use words that confuse you and send you back to the hollows of your inner world, where old spirits haunt and tell you lies.

But that is not them.

By not sharing face to face, you never give it a chance to be Real.   How can Words tell who you Are.  How can Explanations fill in the True Colors that beam from your being…

It’s all about the Is-ness.

(And isn’t it amusing that I use words, to explain that words can’t tell it…. ?)

Who they are is everything, and everything must be tasted and smelled, heard and touched, with eye filling floods and sensory overload.    Energy fields will tell you more than a million words ever will.

And the body electric does not lie.  But the brain can….

Words lie.  Words say three things at once.  Words are mis-interpreted and mis-heard, mis-remembered.  We all just live inside the collection we call our brain, and without shutting it down with other senses, all is only thought, and subject to mismanagement.

You are a kind and gentle Bear with an Arrow in his heart.

Until you decide that Trust is appropriate, maybe even beneficial, there can be no surgery, no release, no sharing of essences with another.

As long as the List is reviewed,  your Interviews conducted, your Tests and Grades awarded,  there can be no pure touching.

The guard is up, the protective filter scanning the horizon for incoming…             The ammo ready for release when needed, the foxhole deep and quiet.

Never mess with a wounded bear.   Even if that bear has asked you if you might be able pull the arrow from his heart.   Surely he knows it will hurt, and just as surely, he knows it will feel better when it’s out.   And Yet…….  He will misinterpret your intentions,  miss your signals, and retreat when least expected.  He will growl at you, in between those occasionally long and soulful moments of genuine contact.

One will find it hard to interpret their intentions, and it is likely they are having just as much difficulty themselves.

They may ask or need explanations, then complain about so many words.  Pain confuses and confounds.  It makes it hard to trust.  And it makes a body want to go away and hide, where none can make that pain any worse than it already is.

And you are left feeling unheard, mis-taken, un-seen.

Trust is not something easily won….. it Never is, but when Pain sings too loudly, it can step in and make decisions for you, without you.