Tag Archives: alcir

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… it’s been a long time …

It’s been some time since I wrote about my guy friend, and
there are several reasons for this rather long gap…
When I last was recounting our time together, I had just
arrived in Rio for the second visit, to be a lengthy one, and
re-entry was becoming difficult for many reasons.
I stopped mid story, because frankly it was so completely
depressing me, and it was confusing, and draining,  to be
taken back to such an emotional six months stay.

rio at night with christ

Rio has such romance and magic, and particularly for me in
the last 28 years, because of a Brasilian I met waaaay back
in the Eighties…. ah yes, the party decade!
He was diving for Urchins, I was a local, a friend brought him
to dinner, and the rest just unfolded as it did.  Great chemistry,
great romance, excitement, charm and mystery.
Then he vanished, as he used to love to do, and then two years
later, called me from Rio, to tell me that he loved me.
Then more years…. and then finding eachother on the internet,
making plans to meet, a month long visit, crazy mad love,
plans to return….. a painful year, at least for me…. and then
at last an extended stay.  We planned to marry… or at least
be together in a new way.

So there we are… we have some context as to the ‘picking up
where we left off’ part.  But see, there’s a catch… during this
interum, while I put away the turmoil, the ugliness, the long
and terrible confusions of to stay or not to stay…. and trying
hard to figure out this very convoluted man…. a completely
unforseen thing happened.
He emailed me…………..
Yes……. out of the Blue….. and here he is, briefly touching
in, with deep and sincere apologies, and wishes to perhaps
be able to converse.  I soon agreed, and we began what is still
going on today… long and heartfelt conversations via SKYPE,
with the most delightful videos, the most touching shares.
And that was Nine months ago…. hmmm?  rebirth?
He is living on his boat in Norway, soon to throw himself to
the wind, literally and as he is fond of doing.  And so there’s
more stories to tell, videos to enjoy, and a new blog site
in the future.

The true miracle of all of this is…. we have become real friends.
When you are ‘in love’ with someone, you know it will change
and turn into something else…. but to move from all of that
to Being Friends, and sharing things that really mean something…
Well, that my friends is an impossible Wish Granted.

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… it’s Time …

The time has come for picking up where we left off….

There was a Saga going on… a Love Story, a History Lesson,
a time wharp Reality that is lived…….. and shared.

There is also watchers and disbelievers and scoffers, who
diminish and degrade the Grandure of what IS…
… and i am not fond of stalkers either………..

This is an announcement of intention… and a Pronouncement
of a Beginning of a Continuum of something that began eons
before, and will continue for Uncountable eons to come.

There will be No Fear… No thought of repercussions or fitts of
rage … no reactive realities….. i will continue my Art

Thank you all……………

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… fire and peace …

mick's sunset

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul

and makes us reach for more,

that plants a fire in our hearts

and brings peace to our minds.

And that’s what you’ve given me.

That’s what I’d hoped to give you forever.”

 
……………….Nicholas Sparks

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… sheee’s baaaack …

Hi all… surprised to see me?  and after all these days, months,
years?   well…….. just couldn’t stay away forever, could I.

There’s been so many changes, so much goings and comings,
and once again that Brasilian is in my life… and for good this time.

Want to hear more?  Stay tuned.  I have so much to tell you,
and we are starting a New Blog!  with video conversations and
a thousand insights ….

mendo coastStay close, stay tuned, stay Happy!

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… today i wonder …

Today i think about the before and after.  Before and after the WAR, for this man i am writing about.  The Wars he was drawn to, drawn into, and inevitably devistated by.  It is my belief today that the man i Met was still enough intact to continue on a rightious path,  do marvelous things that he was meant to do, grow, change, evolve, and fulfill his task.
We each have been given a task, a multitude of tasks, to complete in this lifetime.  That is our soul’s journey and our assignment, if you will.

But the seductive path of The HERO, draws our men into battle without a certain type of armor, and frankly i doubt there IS armor for the psychological dismemberment that occurs with War.  How could there be?   And the man i met 18 years later had been drawn into realities that most of us cannot even imagine.  Heroes …?  really?  are any of us Ready and prepared to greet those of us who have experienced things they cannot even describe?  share?  talk about?  no, we are not.

So here i was, with the memory and taste of this delicious young man, wild and brave, willing to slay dragons and make the world a better place, safer for me and anyone else…. willing to fulfill the Hero’s place, and with grace and skill.

And they are slaughtered and dismembered and disembodied to the point that their fractured psyche has no where to reference, no where to ask, no where.  What is left is the beaten Hero, confused and no longer earthbound, not really knowing where they are or who they are or who they Should be now.

What are they to Do, now that they have given what they have to give, what they have been told was their’s to give, and now find themselves lost and confused, unable to proceed, unwilling to go back, questioning All that they gave and All that they Were.

 

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… i…me…me…mine …

Meandering Journal thoughts, after nearly 2 weeks in Rio:
January 9, 2006

“Wearing white, a Brasilian tradition on important days.  It shows off
the tan skin, creates a reflective surface between skin and sun.
Makes a woman feel virginal, something revered, as well as something
reviled.  What’s that about? ….how classic RC can we get, she thought.

She reposed, she reflected, she responded, she just couldn’t figure.
How could someone so intelligent be so stupid, stuck so full of the
Stench of the Past.
It is not good for humans to be too much alone,…
We are broken into pieces for a reason………..

God alone.  Just an Ego, creating, loving, enjoying, talking to itself…
But …..break it into…. oh, let’s see…. a Quadzillion pieces, and oh!
the Glorious Reflections.
Dazzling………Maddening…. and so distracting, endlessly.

So, back to  the One, back to the pieces….One, pieces, one, pieces,
ad infinitum.

She wanted to Scream it… Look Stupid, I’m Here, Ready, in the Now….
You want Results… You want me to reflect you, just like the Dream
Me reflecting You, in your one eyed fantasies… I’m Real…
I am Here because I love you…  Or… am I?  She even questioned that…

Maybe we’re just the best each of us can do, right now… we’re both
old and decrepit, as you love to keep reminding me….
So …  go find something better…. !!
oh!  the threat!
It’s all become the old struggle of Egos.  Will against will.  Who will win?
Well…you Must, or we cannot be a couple.  In your world, it is
heirarchical, and Man is on top.  In my world, I think I want a Partner,
different but equal.
How can our visions be so different?  Ore are they?
Yes, I feel superior in ways….at least i don’t Hate my Father…OR my
Mother, for that matter.  I have dear friends that I manage to keep
things well enough OK with… with distance….

Is it DISTANCE that allows for closeness, love, compassion, desire?

OK… in this world of duality, Yes, of course.
But only on a more minor scale, when it comes to life partners…
Some friends once a year, some once a week…
But that ever elusive Partner… Opposite must Be to attract… grow,
but Likeness must Flourish to sustain and maintain.
How to flourish Likeness?  Shared experience, a history built up
in time, of things to share, to remind eachother of likenesses.
But how to diminish resistance to agreement?… If it’s my idea,
it Must be bad, wrong, or at least diverted for while until it’s His.

I…Me….Me…. Mine.  A Giant shit pile of Ego.”

 

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… the discovery …

The story that Alcir told me, of how he discovered Who he was,
discovered that he was First and Foremost a loner and a diver…
is actually heartbreaking, yet beautiful too.

“My inner self started when I was 6 years old, and I was drowning
in high seas.   My father trew me in the wader, he watch me as
I tried to stay up, my arms an’ legs grabbing.

I wen’ down, and didn’t come up.  I Loved it.  I went down to the
bottom, and sat in the mud for a long time…. maybe four minutes.
Suddenly I appeared up, with a big smile, and I discovered my life.
All I wanted was to dive.
I discovered who I was…. a loner and a diver. I didn’t need anyone
else to help me, or to tell me who I was.
And that is when I started fighting it.
They…my parents… could never understand why I refused to use
my intelligence, which they said I had.
Two times I broke the world record for deep sea diving.
I went over 75 meters down…
I don’t care that it was not recorded.  I know who I am. “

 I remember he told me once that he went down … i don’t know…
200 feet or something crazy.  When he came back up, the
other guys didn’t believe that he’d gone down all the way to
the sea floor, so he went back down, following the anchor chain,
and brought up some sand from the bottom, just to prove
that he did.  This was a Free Dive.

He claimed he could stay down for many minutes… four or five…
and frankly I doubted his story.  I mean, impossible, right?
Then much later, I saw some nature program, where it talked
about how some people have this rare genetic ability …
and can, indeed, hold their breath for many minutes, and also
endure deep dives.  I had no idea.

“All I wan’ to do is make myself happy.  Society wans people who
wan’ to impress society.  I’m not a monkey… I’m not a circus animal,
that lives to amuse people… I jus’ wanna live my life.”

He got a medal for bravery.  It was in Desert Storm I think.
He carried a buddy on his back to safety, but he was already dead.

“He took 6 or 7 bullets for me”, he told me “but he was already dead.
Actually, he shielded me, but that was not why I carried him.
I never thought of that, I only thought of getting him out of there”

Another war story in Desert Storm… he was sleeping in his tent,
and in the middle of the night, he got up to take a piss… he heard
an explosion.
He looked back, and NO TENT…

He’s been shot 11 times, stabbed 4 times, and something happened
to his face.
“I know,” I told him. ” I can’t believe you’re still alive.  I’m amazed.”

“If You are…imagine me?”  His eyes grew dark and clouded over.
Still, his gaze was intent, as he looked deeply into me, knowing
he was sharing things hidden so deeply within his heart.

“When I am at war, I do not see them as human beings…no…
as a target; I have a perfect concept that they feel the same for me.”

“I don’ wanna die,  I don’ know why.  I don’ care about life or death, but …
somehow, I don’ wanna die”

He told me so many things about himself that night.  My heart is
heavy with the realizations of his youthful pain.  He said at six,
his mother told him he wouldn’t live til he was eight, and every
year she renewed her predictions.

“Why?” I asked.
“Because she didn’t like me.”

He was always in trouble, at home, at school.  And then came the
beatings.
Now today, I realize that he is ADHD.  And these people are usually
extremely intelligent, and in those days they were completely
misunderstood.

And the father story… a life of beatings.  With the belt, with a
piece of wood, with whatever he had in his hand at the time….
…even kicking him, and when he fell to the ground and curled up
in a ball, well then he’d kick him some more.
They both took great pleasure in punishing him in front of others.
Strange, how such terrible deep scarring can direct someone to
such drive, such accomplishment.
I’ve felt for some time that all of this was about proving himself
as a man.  But not to be loved, not to be liked by others.
And he was never accepted or shown love by either parent.

No, it was something deeper.  Proving to Himself that he was
what he Knew himself to be……  Extraordinary.

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