Tag Archives: brasil

by

…boat dreams…

She watched the sea, a still, steel blue calm of a background
to dry golden hills.  Hills that brought back days of sonoma
and chatsworth, the SoCal days.

What a strange time in her life, a time of throwing herself
to the wind literally.  A kite without a string.
Exhilarating and terrifying.
She longed for her man, the male counterpart she’d
waited for, for so long… in general, yes, but
also quite specifically.
She’d called him this morning, and he’d been napping…

“Oh, I hate it when someone takes me out of my dream.
When I go to sleep, I always think I may dream of my boat.
And when I do, and a call takes me away…”

“Well….Sorry!” she mocked…
She knew it wasn’t just that way with her call…

“Oh Nooo…but to trade a dream for a dream, that’s ok…”
he soothed, coming more into the present.

“So…you were dreaming of your boat?”

“Yes…. it was so goooood…”

The longing tide that crouched in her belly sang songs
of sun and warm skin.
Soft brown warm skin there for the touching.
She loved reaching out for him in the the night, and just
resting her fingertips against his borders.
The borders of him, inside him, him really there…

Now she could not succumb to it…… No..
The tide must rest, like some pacing tiger
in the closet of her heart…
Can’t come out yet, she thought….
……..or it will surely Eat me.

 

 

by

…island time…

So it’s Wednesday morning, and after a good sleep and
some island coffee with cream and honey, she ventures
to once again dial his number.  And he answers…

“The phones were out all day yesterday” he offers, “but now
there you are!  You sound so goooood!”
“oh I am” she smiles, wishing he were here right now, letting
the palmy breezes blow through his brain cells for a while.

He is in a happy mood, and sounds solid…. she is relieved.
“So… Buquinha will be looking for our house now, because
George is too busy.  Oh babe…. it’s gonna be goooood.”

Now it’s down to the beach, a wide sandy shore, long and
straight, and her friend is paddling with a crew of girls, as
she does several times a week.

She walks the long stretch, concentrating on the sand feels
between her toes.  A light breeze is blowing.
Her eyes take in the expanses of blues and greens.
That alone changes everything.

And the sound.  Glorious white sound of
water and waves and rocks and pulls of the sky to
join the clouds in swirling celebration of just being alive
here and now on this
majestic and magical planet.

Her feet are now begging for sea, and she succumbs to salt water
lapping over her legs, feet sinking in sand, eyes filled with blue.

Later, they go to a Luncheon at the Queen’s Summer Palace for
a tour, gorgeous buffet, and just touching in to the beauty
of all of it…. Hawaii and her past.
Her friend volunteers in this group that maintains the Palace and
raises moneys, and they sit outside in shaded dining areas and
elegant ladies trade the microphones with greetings and news.

Tres Elegant, she thinks.  What an interesting life my friend leads.
No children, a successful husband, the life of a lady.
We must catch up, for in the old days, we each lived in the woods
in rustic environs, me home birthing babies and growing gardens
and milking goats, she growing herbs and creating wholesome
skin products in her kitchen sink, back in the days when
that was cutting edge.

Her oils and unguents are still in production, but now instead of
making them at home with a blender, they are produced somehow
without her, and her biggest concerns seem to be about the labels,
on which she has spent bundles and keeps redesigning.

The market has changed drastically for her, and large companies
with ‘natural ingredients’ on the label are now taking over the market.
She seems concerned, but on the other hand, there is no survival
pressures like there used to be in the old days, so she has several
clients for massage work in luxury spas, and can use and share
her products there.
Tonite it’s the movie theater, with queen Latifa.

Next day is more of the wholesome life here, coffee at seven, friend
comes by, off to the farmers’ market and bring home fresh local
produce, go splash in the sea, walk for an hour on the warm sands,
then back home to relax.
Visiting, cooking, relaxing, all the while the island air dominates
the senses, and she once again falls deeply into
blissful sleeps til dawn.

 

 

 

by

…get thee to an island…

Journal May 17, 2005

“The day has actually arrived!  I am free of obligations, and
can now move freely into a new phase of my life…
May it bring abundance, love and light.”

It’s a tuesday afternoon when the plane touches down,
past the green jungles, into the vast dry expanses of
the Big Island, Kona side.
Her old friend from her far past years in the woods of
Oregon picks her up, and they are off to Sam Cho’s
for lunch, and a beer sampler.

Her friend has lots of biz stops, and at last they arrive at the
cool, open spacious home, where she is shown to the guest
bedroom and bath.  It’s a sweet little wood walled space, all
creamy colors and island cozy.

Years ago, her friend and her husband moved to what used to
be her parent’s home, and he has added additions and improved
the space.  Everything’s clean and orderly, beautiful in that
casual yet elegant island style, and it’s two or three houses
from the beach.

Immediately, there feels a certain weight begin to dissolve
from the back of her neck and shoulders, and it starts to
sink in that she’s really passed the threshold into a new world,
one free from the past, and perhaps one with less anxiety.

She tries the phones, and using her phone card as she always
does, she dials his number.  There is no ring… and she dials
again.  After several attempts, it’s clear there’s a problem on
that end…which isn’t unusual… so she lets go
and begins to unpack.

The cool white sheets sing songs of dream worlds, and she
falls into them like rain through clouds.
Next thing she knows, she awakens to the sounds of early
morning birds, and the clock says she’s passed fourteen hours
in the arms of eternity.

Island sun, birdsong, and the
white sounds of sea and sand….

 

 

 

 

by

…just a note…

Hello dear Readers, and I am happy to see that many of
you are enjoying my writings …Brasil, a Love Story,
which at some point will be rewritten to Book form.

Meanwhile, I have now listed All posts relating to this
story under both Brasil and Brazil…

You may find the entire story as it first began on my blog,
by going to Categories, and clicking on Either spelling.
At that point you can go back to my very first posts that
referred to Brasil/Brazil, and catch up on how it all began.

Thanks so much for all your support, and please remember
to click on to the Site itself, so that I can enjoy the numbers
as they rise!   Comment or Like as you feel so inclined,
and know that I really appreciate these too.

If you just read it from your email or from Facebook, not
only will I not Know, you will not see the Far Superior
layout as it has been designed on WordPress.

Tchau, Aloha and Happy Trails……..

 

 

by

…the fight…

So now there were plans in place, the ticket was bought,
the house situation was settled, and she had only to finalize
a few things, and it was off to the Big Island…!

Meanwhile, on his end, he seemed to be having more than
several crises…

He tells her that he was sitting on his own steps, when three
guys came over and beat him up.  This obviously had some
sort of history, but she couldn’t quite get the story straight.
He was still drinking, wound up from the whole drama, and
said the guy was going to Die.  …. oh great.

It was a terrible night for her, and an anxious morning,
but she finally got him on the phone, and he hadn’t killed
anyone yet.  Oy!
He was very sad, but he’d gone to a boat show, and his
spirit was lifted somewhat from thinking about his boat.

Journal… May 9th

“So he went back and kicked the guy’s ass… a good whoopin’
he said.  His hand was sore, and he said he loved it when he
heard the ambulance coming for the guy.

He took someone along, gave him his pistol, and after the
fight had started, after the guy was bleeding, the same two
sons who had joined in before, made moves to get into it.

So the guy with the pistol put it to the older brother’s head,
and let him know in no uncertain terms that he’d better just
step back, and leave it to the two of them.
And added that if anything more happened, there would be
serious consequences for him, his wife, his mother,
and all the rest of his family, friends and relations…
That seemed to cool them off, and it remained one on one,
the way it should be.
He said he felt a lot better after that….”

Geeeeeesh!  Men!  and Brasil!  He really has to get out of there.
Could their lives be any more Different right now?

All this did was to make her even more certain that he
needed to leave; and she, for now, needed the islands.

Fresh air, clean outdoor living, swims in the ocean with
the turtles, the farmers’ markets with fresh fruits and
vegetables, and friends who liked to live the way she did.

 

 

by

…a total review of the heart…

It was time to look at the big picture once again.
There were feelings, but just what were they?
Was she delusionary?  Spell bound?  Captivated?
Caught up in her own fantasy world?

How Long this had gone on, certainly lent a large piece to
this pie, and she looked back in time, to the beginnings,
to the feelings, to who she was and who he was.

Certainly in the very beginning, he caught her off guard.
He possessed aspects and abilities that he’d obviously honed
all his life, and confidence gleamed off his flanks.

A good looking man learns early that he has advantages over
more ordinary ones, and the whole dance of seduction comes
so easily, and quickly offers rewards.

Yes, he easily got her attention, and they say… if the fellow gets
to show her his act, that means she is already interested.
But such confidence from such a young fellow, someone
she’d just met, who had just walked into her home, aroused
a certain caution in her, and rightfully so…
And yet, as the curiosity peaked, so did the
red flags start to fly…

Curious would be the key word here.  At first mildly, then
progressively more intently….and as he unfolded his kit of
charming tricks, she began to be fascinated.

Still, caution took the lead, and there was this gnawing fear
attached to the fascination, and she held him at arms length
for over a week, looking askance at him, checking him out
in a way that kept him from knowing that he was, and
How he was,  being measured.

When at last she decided to let him in, the terror turned to a
thrill of the unknown but with great promise, and … well…
he didn’t let her down.

He made her laugh all the time.  He told her tales of slaying
dragons and rescuing maidens… His accent was adorable, and
we all know how much American girls love accents.
And he was more than a little bit dangerous, mysterious.
The love making was other worldly, and for both.
She could tell.

Now this last part was just a continuation of her love of bad boys.
She had always been a good girl, so it was only a natural attraction.
Early Brando and James Dean films clued her in to what more
convoluted characters might bring to the
Very Interesting table.

She’d checked out enough good guys to know that a goodly
percentage of them were boring as shit, and frequently
control freaks as well.

This guy was so different on so many fronts, and she knew that
she’d not only have fun… she’d learn a bunch.
And believe it or not, this was, and always has been,
a big priority in her life.

Their time together was brief, limited, coming in dashes
and spurts (no pun intended, unless you’d prefer it that way)
and the adrenalin highs and seratonin bliss Moments
solidified, for her,  into attachment.

Once he was gone, and she knew he was Gone, things quieted
down, but he never quite left.  There was always this haunting
feeling that he could show up at any moment, and although this
had certainly been reinforced by past actions, it was also backed
up with that Call from Brasil two years after their last meeting.

Completely off the wall, Completely unexpected, and
a Completely Perfect movie.
The mere fact that he’d kept her card and number,
even after being in the Legion… in the Iraqi war…
…oh, actions, my darlings, actions…

His words in that conversation… “I’ve never forgotten”..
and……” a time of peace in a life of war”…
and for her, the sweetest and best of all ……..
“it is not often that a man can find peace.”

By then, It all was Ink, Deep Under Skin.

Still, 18 years passed in all, 16 since their last melding, and
when they actually began courting eachother via internet
and phone, it somehow just picked up where it had been left,
and somehow just intensified.
It was 2004, yet There it was…….still…

They actually talked…for hours.  Bodies no longer interfered with conversation… it was their only means, and they used it well.

Being there… in Brasil… feeling the trueness of not just
the Chemistry, but
the Mind Melds… ..music, movies, jokes, attitudes,
twists and turns of thought… it was all there and more.

Sleeping next to him was pure Peace.  No other word…peace.
She was stepping into it fully, looking at it fully….
And it held up under scrutiny.

And after a month with him, after lots of reality and moods,
tests and turns…
still he was growing on her, in her, with her.

There just came a point where this thing…right here…
was something so unique, so beloved, and
there was No Way she was going to pass it up.

As she reviewed the phases and stages they’d gone through
together, she came to the conclusion that this was Real.

She’d seen a great deal of him, inside and out, and still
She loved him … she really did…
and in new and altogether deeper ways.

The unfolding stories of his life…  touched her heart.
She understood him, not all, but a lot, enough to know that
he was something so unique, so brave and beautiful.
And she wanted to understand him completely.

Yet the newness of him, every day, not only amused her…
…it gave her great hope.  He was ready to grow, to change.

The move from Romantic love to Real love… for her anyway…
was a genuine and trackable progress, and no, she could not
doubt its validity now, no matter how confusing it became
at certain times, no matter how many times he …. perhaps…
…tested her….

Now realize, this was just inside of her.
She had no Real idea of what he was Really feeling.

Because of his mood swings…. and we’ll talk about those later…
she wondered how this man could span such a dichotomy
of reports… from brilliant reflection to romantic insight,
to the most vile and hateful rhetoric….

He was trying, that was evident.
And it was not effortless…
that was also evident.

But the words… how could anyone say the Words that he
came up with sometimes….  How…?
without their being Real…

She trusted and prayed that she could believe in his Love…
for the expression of his love for her was beyond this realm…
it had a certain mark of eternity.

 

 

by

…then and now…

…1986…

When we first met, Mendocino Coast California… he was 29, I was 43…

 

 

…2005…

Together in Brazil, here we are nearly twenty years later…

 

 

 

by

…making a move…

The weeks turned into months, with no solution.
She’d been living with a daughter, helping her settle into
a new house, but now the daughter was helping her, to
the point of exhaustion.  It was time to leave.

A direction was beckoning, with friends, work, and places
to stay…. Hawaii.  The tropics agreed with her.

She loved the way her skin felt after a day with sand and sea…
loved the shade she turned as the days turned to weeks.
The brilliant colors fed her eyes and inspired her to new
directions in her art.   It all made sense.
To just breathe…

Need Nothing…Desire Everything…Choose What Shows Up.

She liked that outlook.  OK…. the islands it would be.
As well, this would take the pressure off of him, leave him to
himself, without the pull of her needs, her emotional stress,
her questions.  Maybe that would allow him to relax and
figure out things, for he was still stuck.

He had vacillated continually, was often drunk when they
talked, frequently contradicting himself .
Getting away from all of this was just what she needed.
Taking action out of limbo land was the proper tack.

Her friend Eileen had an idea, and a good one.  A friend of hers
needed a house sitter for a month or two, there was a dog and
cat to watch, and perhaps even a car… a necessity on the big
island with its expanses.
The woman friend was nice enough at the onset, but seemed
intent on not only having her house and animals taken care of,
but also making money in the deal…
She wanted all her rent paid, and reneged on the car unless it
was rented at a separate rate.
Funny thing was, it became known that the woman received
most of her rent from government subsidies, only paying a small
amount herself.
This all began to feel uncomfortable, a certain used car salesman
aspect to an otherwise lovely adventure…
The Real funny thing was she went by one of those super cosmic
spiritual names, and did her very best to appear a super spiritual
gypsy, always dressing as if going to some reunion with
Swami Sensational and the Maha Rootietootie, and she was to be
their dancing girl, and crystal ball advisor.

Way too much jewelry, blackened Kole eyes, and … of course,
as it turned out… Pachouli.

… Goddess Beyondananda, she smiled to herself…..Perfect….

It became problematic at the onset, but eventually the woman
put away her sales talk about how special it was to be on the island,
and how lucky the girl would be, and realized she had the best deal
going to get a little bit of her rent paid, the amount she Actually
paid, and throw the car in the deal.
It would just be sitting there anyway!

She also knew very well that a great recommendation, a referral
with trust, and an animal person, was a priceless commodity.
There was just no other way for either of them.

She began to get excited.  Friends, places to go, nature everywhere,
a mellow dog for company, and her little monthly income covering
the basics.
She’d worked with Eileen before, so that might fit in as well… cool!

Now there were three things:  her stuff, her animals, and money.

The stuff got packed into storage.  The animals were to stay with the
daughter, and with her son in the woods.  The money came in…

As the time neared, Alcir seemed to be more receptive, even
leaning in as she pulled back… and isn’t that a typical response in
relationships?  the old dance of energies.

Journal…May 5, 2006

Alcir proposed on the phone tonite.  He said he wants to adopt
a black boy, to give one the advantages, to make up for the things
he’d done in war.  She thought that was sweet, and also knew that
tomorrow the thought would be replaced with another…
both curse and blessing with ADD…

“Do you know what I want?” he began.  “I want Peace.
I want to wake up every morning, and kiss you on the mouth,
and tell  you I love you.”
That made her smile…

He’s looking for a place in Ibicui… July is the goal.
“Sell your ticket…!  When are you coming?”…
But she says ‘no…you don’t have a place for me yet.’

Journal entry… May 7

She was scared…scared shitless.. scared beyond scared…
It was big…biggest…A change of life beyond what she’d ever
known, or imagined.
She drank Vodka tonics… she’d never drank like this.
And he?  He was a drunk.  The last two talks were impossible.

He couldn’t talk about reality at all… only bullshit.
His ups and downs were exhausting.

There were two things he said stuck in her mind, made her
laugh, and she noted them in her journal…

“I’m a mixture of Homer Simpson and Melvin Udall…
most men are…”  he said one night …
…”and I’m the only one who’ll admit it.”
She pictured Jack Nicholson in As Good as it Gets…

…and the best of all …

“I can never be someone else, because I will fail”

So it’s off to the healing balm of the islands, to clear the
mind and find center.

Maybe in a month or two, there will be a clearer path to him
and Brasil.  He had to find himself and his way, before he could
ever be fully with her, but she admitted to being eager to begin
this new chapter in their mutual life.

 

 

by

…ten days later…

She was feeling a little more like herself now, a bit more like
she was pulling her molecules together to become a whole,
after the presence of someone’s strong and compelling aura.
Like moving out of the influence of another planetary pull.
A month was a long long time….

Still fighting the bladder infection that had attacked her in
Brasil, her skin was hived and the body did its best to rid itself
of toxins by sweats and exhaustion.
Medications were in order…

Meanwhile, the questions just compounded themselves, one
upon another, and the more they stacked up, the more confusing
her future looked.  How could she even make plans for anything?

Every Two Days he changed his thoughts of how
this should proceed:
First… she was going back, as soon as her life was processed
and in order … and the house in Ibicui beckoned sweetly…

Then …he decided he would just get the hell out of Brasil,
and come to her and the States.  She loved that idea.

It was obvious he needed to leave that prison he resided in,
the place of his birth, with the presence of parents and all the
hated and hateful memories the place embodied…
…and all the negative habits and connections that were
so easy for him to fall back to…

He had loved it here… she could easily set up a life in her little
seaport of that NorCal coastal town… she was well established
there, lots of friends and contacts, and moving back was a dream
of hers anyway.   He could get back into diving, get his boat…

But then!… Now…. he has decided he needs to get a boat, and
sail here …and it will take time… two years maybe, he says!
What ?  Some sort of odyssey that he now must fulfill?
This was getting crazy making, and her head spun.

What his motivations were, how sound his thinking was, how
clear his mind…or unclear… was out of reach and unknowable.
She wondered if legalities, the wars, the extreme way the US
was behaving, what with Little Bush and the Terrorism Fiasco.
Maybe he was thinking he wouldn’t be able to get into the
US, with his past history in the Legion, and his
Revolutionary actions as a youth…

It seemed like he was loosing faith in all of it, and once she
was gone, it was like he slipped back into confused whirlpools
of old ghost shadows.
Of course he needed to do whatever he needed to do, and she
was quite willing to wait for his own personal resolutions…
But… things had become so unclear…

Journal, March 22…
“Two Years?  What the heck does that mean?  I feel he’s leaving
it all up to me, I feel like he’s not really done anything he said
he’d do… I don’t know how I feel about marriage anymore, as
now, from what he has said, I think he has been married several
times, and never divorced!

I have no idea what the truth is.  I feel manipulated again, and
I cannot allow that to happen.
I need to write clearly what I need to ask and say,  as my life
hangs in the balance… I literally cannot move left or right
until we have some sort of a plan. ”

She had been in a temporary situation when she’d found him, and
now that she was back, it was time to make a move of some sort.
But how could she decide, when all this hung in the balance?

She made a giant list of all the questions raging in her mind …
Basically she wanted the Plan… if he had one.  Something tangible.
When she’d left, he had told her his plans…

*We’d each find out information about marriages such as theirs.
*He’d stop drinking, swim everyday, and loose weight.
*He’d start to create a new way of thinking…

She spoke to him in her mind…
“I don’t see anything of this from you…. I feel like it’s now
all up to me…
You are thinking in the old way, stuck in a defeatist place,
in the toxic environment that you’re used to…
Has anything changed at all…?

I feel like You’re thinking like a LONER, and like,
I can come along if I want…
But you set no timeline, nor make any real commitment…
What has changed for you, since I left…?

I still feel you need to get out of there, to clear your mind…
I need you to meet me halfway, and think in new ways …

We could make money here, convert to Twice that in Brasilian
Reis, and buy our fantasy place, boat, whatever we want…

Three months is my limit to float and wait… beyond that I will
have to set up my own place here, and my income will go for that,
and not our future….

My entire life is on hold, in limbo, and completely confusing…

What do you want?  How do you want that to happen…and
Can you make a plan and hold to it?”

She waited for his answer… in whatever form it might come.