…june 13 2005…

Today I face my fears.  Today I face creating money,
being on my own, not knowing what the future holds,
and liking what I have created for myself.

Go towards what opens, leave what closes….

Journal…
Last nite after talking with Alcir, I went on his writers’ site
as he had asked… he thought a virus had perhaps affected it…

And there… 4/26/05…. is a new “erotic poem”.  And
what am i to assume?
Is it about me?  how can it be?  Is it about Her…
…whichever her it might be?

How am I to know?  Yet the title is in Portuguese, and it
will not translate for me, and it seems like it’s either
“You Did Not Come”… or “Don’t  Come”…

It’s some sad poem that talks about never her,
not showing up at all, and never knowing his Love…
but something about not coming…. and
one could easily take that in several ways.

I call him…..  I am confused, as well as potentially angry and jealous.

About all he could offer me was to ask me if I was jealous…
He seems unwilling to give a straight answer, and unable
to just Talk about Anything…
There is no explanation, resolution, or sense made of any of it.

I am left with something akin to everything else right now….
Nothing is sure, and It’s all up to me.

Then I watch a film and I take down a quote…
“God is the principle of simplicity and unity that seems to be
underneath all the complexity at the surface of things.”

I like what i hear…..

…and this is from a group of top scientists and theologians
that had gathered in order to redefine God for the 21st century,
bringing spiritual and scientific value into greater harmony.

and then the Journal …

“She let him go.  He was an aquarian after all…. and what is
anything without freedom…”

This terrible letting go engulfed her, and she realized that
was all she could do.  Let go with Love… because that was
still there with all its prickly holdings.
But letting go of any semblance of Control was the only
path there for her.  It was the high road for both.

Somehow she got in this place, the place of releasing
him and herself from any expectations or obligations…
and then serendipity came along,
and this song kept on going round and round….
..and it was in an Angelina Jolie film she watched,
and it spoke the truth… and as tears fell, she
stood on its ground at that moment.

Love Song

Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am Home again.
Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am Whole again.

However far away,
I will always love you.
However long I stay,
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you;
I will always love you.

And for a Sexier Version… a newer cover by Adelle…

Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am young again.
Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am fun again.

However far away,
I will always love you.
However long I stay,
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you;
I will always love you.

Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am Free again.
Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am Clean again.

However far away,
I will always love you.
However long I stay,
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you;
I will always love you.

 

 

…the plan…

“I Love you for your Intelligence,
your Temperament,
the way you Carry yourself,
and your Elephant Memory.”

…what a lovely picture he paints of me today.

After seeing Ibicui, our vision of the future began to
formulate for both of us.
Our number one priority became Happiness, and once
we had seen what we could build upon, what we could
create living in peace, and with our love for eachother,
well, our ideas just fell into place.

“Journal, March 1, 2005

I am engaged. We proposed to eachother today, before we
went out to see the city…we have at last Said the Words,
taken the giant step of faith and truth.
We just can’t decide if I should be Carol Souza, or
he Alcir Williams…hahahaa!
He likes the sound of it, and the custom of incorporating
eachother’s names into the other is certainly
amusing at the least.

“I can’t believe it…I’m getting married again!”, he thrilled
to me.  “Are we going to Die together?
Is this going to be IT?”

We are going to get a place in Ibicui.  A place with a nice
big backyard.
He will get a little boat, and run tours on the weekends.
His heaven!

He wants to make one of those big barbeques using a
trash can, and we can go to town, get big cashes of chicken
and beef, and have Barbeques in our backyard on the
weekends… and sell to the tourists and locals.

He can make soups, and I breads…
The tourists come every weekend, so there you have it.
I could even sell my jewelry from a cart on the beach.
Here, it’s all like the sixties, things easy and local,
and not all the regulations and limitations.

We can take foods to parties…
As well, we can scout around for things to Export …
On our trips we saw so many beautiful things that would
fill a container bound for the US.
Fantastic carvings, large ship models, little tables
and chairs sets…
Amazing precious hardwood chairs, the designs are
brilliant, and the exchange is so excellent right now.”

The ideas were immense, and flowing.  So many possibilities.

Journal continues…

“She shook her proverbial head, her mind reeling with
the truths of the moment.
Where had she been but four months ago?

Her birthday was a good, but sad relief from the efforts
of a year and a half of trying to make it work with the
son, out in the woods she loved.
A month of complete breakdown, sadness…and then
…the Dec 7th connection.

And now… to be married …the Fiancee…
the Intended…!
Still there were big questions for her,
especially regards the consumption of alcohol..

It was seeming that he would rather get wasted than make love…
over the past three weeks, she could likely count the
number of actual encounters on little over one hand, maybe…
this reality puzzled her… He was a sexy and sexual man.
And yet, it was not a priority, and getting Drunk was.

She had never known anyone who could drink the quantities
that he could, and every night.
If this was the reality ongoing, there would be trouble.

“Your drinking is your business…how it affects me
is My business.” she said.  ” I’m concerned with your health,
and that’s what really worries me.”

The problem for her was that she was already committed.
He was the man she had wanted, and no one would ever be able
to touch this place in her heart…

So it was a done deal.  The had to solve the quandary of
this terrible addiction that had hurt her so many times before…

It wasn’t that she didn’t understand… she did,
and all too well… it’s just that it was
a Now What…? situation.

 

 

…until next time…

I remember the last time I’d seen him.   I hadn’t heard from him in weeks, when suddenly the phone rang..
“Hello…?”

“Halllooo…. so…. I’m on my way….”
“What?……  where Are you?”
“I’m in Marysville…….  I coould have gonn to Reno, but I’m cooming to see you…”
“Where’s Marysville?”
“About 200 miles away….”
“…so….so you’re saying you’ll be Here in four hours?”
“Yes……… So eeef you haf a Boyeefren, you bedder tell him to Leeeeef..”.
His voice got a little deeper when he said that…

“No…. no boyfriend… ok….. so…. guess I’ll see ya..”
“Yes…. bye….”

When he arrived, I remember little, except that the wait was endless, sitting in the upstairs window, leaning in with every car sound, until at last he was pulling in, his new silver truck announcing arrivals.

I recall his perusing my albums, and chuckling…. “Awful lot of Donovan albums here…” smug lips…

“Ya…. oh shut up!’…. laughter.   There was always laughter with him.

I remember how exhausted he was, as he lay in my arms after love.  Once more I felt like Isis, and my warrior had returned, albeit briefly and for unknown time and reasons, and he quickly slept, although restlessly.
That was unusual for him.  Strange as it may seem, this man was the most peaceful bed companion.

Our lovemaking was briefer than usual, he doing his best to stay with me, and I remember his comment…”I won’t be happy til you orgasm…” and I truthfully said that I didn’t care.  Just to have him there was all the orgasm my heart could take.

“I know I’m not heeere much, but I wan’ you to know…. You get the Best… eeets true…. you always get the Best.”

Next morning after coffee and breakfast, we drove around, and up Fish Rock he spotted a large boat, down a little road below.  He stopped and ran over to get a closer look.

“Oh that’s a gooood one…. I wonder eeef eeet’s for sale…. I wan’ my boat.  Do your vooodooo, I wan’ a meeelion doolarrs”, and I told him of the visualizations I had been doing for him.  Visions of him on his beautiful sail boat, big grin, heading towards a magical island, money pouring down all over him from the sky, and him…. laughing his big glorious laugh…
“Oh, tha’s beautifulll” he smiled.

Soon he spoke of leaving and things calling to him.  His plans were up in the air, once again nebulous, changing in unexpected ways, he was agitated, and when I got just a little upset, he looked at me sternly, and for a long time.

It was like at that moment, he just shut down, made his decision, and took me home.
“I thought you said you could stay another night…”
“No…. I haf to go… ”  he trailed off.
Quickly he was loading the truck, as I sat on the steps watching.  My sadness was overwhelming, and left me unable to talk about anything meaningful.  He was already gone to me.

His truck started up, and we eyelocked.  Endless time swirls passed between us, as we both just sat there, staring, taking in eachother for perhaps the last time.

At last he turned off the truck, got out, walked over, and as I sat immobilized, he planted a long long hard pressing kiss that made my face surrender backwards in a swoon, and lasted forever.  A desperate goodbye through lip talk that stayed with me, full of sadness and resolve.

As the truck pulled away and grew smaller, finally vanishing out the driveway, I sat stunned, really groking the last 24 hours, and knowing that he had slipped through my fingers, perhaps forever, and yet he would never leave my soul.

So now, once again and years later, I held him for a timeless moment; his voice was distant, yet his presence strong, and I sensed a softening, an effect that had washed over him in the brief, intense two years that had transpired.  I couldn’t even imagine what he’d gone through, and it was only many years later in Brasil that he began to share with me some of the things that had transpired.

So there I am, lying on the pantry floor, cold I couldn’t feel, pasta I couldn’t see, every nerve straining to absorb every molecule of him that slipped through the wires.

“So….” he began again… “I wan’ to coomm back to the states, when they let me leeeff..”

“When will that be?”,  my heart racing at the mere thought of the possibility of the maybe someday…

“Oh, in a year or so, things might be better…”

I breathed deeply, taking it all in.  There was no time for reflection now; all focus was intensely on the Now, and later I would replay the conversation as best I could.  I felt myself straining to reach him, glean any morsel that was gleanable at this foggy distance.

“I’ve never forgotten”, he repeated once again.
and then he said something that went through me like a blade of fire, branding my solar plexis, the recording in my head playing over and over again, as I saved it for posterity.

“I’ve never forgotten….”   … there was a long pregnant pause here……
“…..It is not often that a man can find Peace…………”