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…now and before…

It was different this time….this time back in Rio …
Everything had a different feel, except his space, which was
as small and sad as before.
He seemed angry and distant, as though he wished I hadn’t come.
He even told me later that when he saw me and my luggage at
the airport, he was scared, told himself
“Oh no!  she’s moving here !”
as though that hadn’t always been the intention when I left Rio
many months before.
I was confused, and somehow at this point, found ways to
blame myself for his dark mood, which was my way at the time.
I felt as though somehow in the 8 months that
had ensued, he had become a different person.

That first afternoon and evening, we settled in with cooking
and moving things around.  He wasn’t present, eye contact was
scarce, but he talked about his plans for New Years again…
it was the end of the year, I had spent christmas with my family,
and when I was leaving Cali, he had crowed on the phone…

“Oh, yer gonna have the Best New Years Eve Ever!”
He had big plans, and was pleased with himself…

During those last few weeks and months before I had made the
decision to just to Come to him and face it all, he had distanced
himself from me a lot.
He had been studying for months for his Captain’s License Test,
very important to him, and he was often out, often distracted,
and the phones in Brasil go out a lot as well.
It had been torture for me, and conveying any of my reality
to him, just floating and waiting, seemed nearly impossible
at the distance we were dealing with.

Journal entry… 1 nov, 2005
“At this point, nothing is sure, all is thrown to the wind.
I am so full of sadness, confusion, anger, fear, a soup of a mess.
I can’t deal with cold anymore.  I need my own home and car.
I am sick of being alone…and where can I go?
I’ve risked everything, and now I’m the Girl on the Half Shell…
the Waiting Girl on the Half Shell…
For me, it’s all about me now.  I sit tight here, risk as little as
possible, work as much as I can stand.  Hold my money,
hold my mouth.  Commit to nothing. ”

At this point, I felt so adrift, I considered every possibility
in my knapsack of options….
Oregon?  too cold …Hawaii? not now… Stay in Cali? no income…
“He teases me, just out of sight…as usual, and as always, I wait.
I may Always be waiting.  What a cosmic joke it is becoming…
a great romance, and it never gets here.”

Journal 2 Nov … the next day…
“Know what?  I’m going. I’m not going to be played, I’m not
waiting.  I’m not going to react or retreat .  I’m going on the
course I feel is correct…the Course we had planned together.
We need to be together for Both of us.
It will Never be perfect…. it is how it is, and we need to
BE together, and figure it out Together!  We are both scared
to death
We have been eachother’s fantasy, and now, the What Ifs start in…. ”

As he had said one night, one of those nights when he was
conscious and present, and communicative….
“We will put our doubts together, and figure this thing out…”
I think that was the same conversation that included one of his
more hilarious and dark comedic moments:

“I was trying to figure out if I should kill myself or not…. so
I decided to eat some jello…”

_____________________________

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…it’s only a dream in Rio…

The plane banked over that giant Bay, with curling coastlines and
mountainous mounds, little lumps poking their heads up, between
the blues.  The Bay that held Pao d’Acucar and it’s little Trams …
….sugar loaf in white man speak …. gatekeeper to it’s glory.

The Bay with the battered ferry boats trekking back and forth to that
ancient City on the mainland… that City built, century upon century,
in styles and cultures from nearly everywhere, as they passed
through on their way to their next incarnation.
The Bay, the Port of a million years, the bridges and beaches of what
seemed a dreamland paradise…

My heart pounded and my breath came quick…
He would be there waiting for me, after all this time.

The view that i’d dreamed of  once again filled my sights, and still
I wondered if I was ready, if I could deal, face the real, make this
thing work in person.
Months of long distance rings, missed connections, echoing words…
please pick up…..what? please repeat.. when will you be home?…
…i miss you, can you call back, it’s a bad connection…. I miss you.

His laughter, his voice, the times he was really There despite the
distances… the photos over and over, holding the connection
like a candle, shielding it from the winds of fear and change.

The unloading, customs, paperwork, luggage, head swirling,
watching and waiting til the moment, and then….
far away in the crowd he stood, and something on his face when
he finally caught my eye brought my stomach to a standstill.

The old Raybans I’d bought him were successful in masking his
mood, but body language, no matter how closely held,
like cards to the chest, revealed so many confusing signals to
my senses, and i fought deciphering them at this crucial moment.
I had to hold to myself, be here Now, wait til he was close and
in front of me to understand.

And then face to face.  I threw my arms around him, and breathed
deeply, hearing his heart, once again smelling his closeness.
He was talking with another man, and shared some sort of irritation
when he saw my luggage.
Eyes rolled, something in the face that wasn’t for me, but for this
new guy friend who somehow understood what was up against.
I felt strangely marginalized.  Part of me was crushed, wishing for
that beautiful rush together that I’d envisioned, the
movie moment replayed in my head.
Part of me knew I had to wait.

I’d brought a big plastic tub, filled with art materials, books,
journals, jewelry findings and stones.  I had to have things to do
in that tiny space of his that only held Him.
I had to hold on to something of myself.
He, after all, was a known factor, and it was easy to be caught up
in the all consuming largeness of Him.
It all seemed quite natural to me, but somehow he wasn’t really
present, something was not aright.
And it felt like a wall…. not of bricks, I hoped….but perhaps of straw,
hay bales, something that i could huff and puff and blow down.

But for now, as we awkwardly trekked to his little Gersel Jeepy car,
we made small talk, and his mood was dark and tired.
Was he glad to see me?  Was he hung over?  Had he not slept?
Was it worry or fear, over amped or regret….
He had that ragged look to his eyes, his skin, that I’d seen before.
He was hung over and sleepless…

After we were in the car, after the miriad of turns and trails, when
we were on automatic, and on our way, did he tell of how long it
had taken to find a parking spot, and how little he’d slept, and
how long he’d been drinking.
The Aeroporto was on the same large island in Guanabara Bay, and
we’d only to drive to the other side to be back in his little cave, where
he could relax and begin to grok the reality bubble we were now in.
He poured drinks for us, and we began.

The Day had come, and here we were… each in our own way doing
our best to come to grips with this rush towards and
away from eachother.

_________________________________

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…i’m comin’ babe…

It was autumn, and the Harvest was in full force.
I was fortunate enough to have more than several friends
who worked the green, chanced the marvels of easy money
and big risk.
Friends who delivered The Best there was to offer, and
shared their bounty with folks like me, ready and eager to
help with artistic eye, to create one of the finest products for
humanity…. magical herb, beautifully cleaned and packaged,
with the best energies….if you’re into that sort of thing…
that the Planet had to offer at that time.

I had enjoyed my friends’ companies, living spaces and
comfort zones… extended family for sure.  They knew of my
plan to return to Brasil to be with my crazy Brasilian boyfriend,
and cheered me on…. I was listening to them, to him, and
to MY Self…. and so the day came…

“I’m coming…”  I announced.
“Where Are you?”
“I’m here… in Cali… but … I’m coming.  I can’t wait any longer. ”
I could hear the Thud at the other end of the line.

“I have to leave soon.  I just can’t let my life drift on hold any
longer… I have to either come back, or make plans here for
over the winter… so … I’m coming…”
and then I said something that he’d said to me
Oh so many years ago…

“So…… if you have a girlfriend, you better tell her to Leave.”

So many years ago, more than I’d care to renumerate, he had
called me out of the blue…. I do believe it was in the late 8Os…
and I hadn’t heard from him in more months than I had hoped,
and he Announced on the phone that he was leaving Tahoe, and
would be at my house in a few short hours….
‘So…you’re saying you’re going to be here in 4 hours?” I repeated
in a sort of daze, mind doing it’s best to catch up with Now.

“YES…..So….eeef you have a boyfrien’, you better tell him to Leeeef”.
He said this in his most bandido, revolutionary, deep voice.

I figured at this point, it was only fair to turn his words on him,
and he could likely handle the mirror …

He bullied up to the challenge, said OK, and my plans began
to take shape.

I was going back to Rio.  And I would stay as long as it took
to figure it all out.  It would be Hard, It would be Real…
and somehow, we would figure it All out together.
I believed in US….together… and that we could Do it.
I Believed in Love and Fate and All of it…..
After all …he called me Babe…. and my heart leapt with the sound.

________________

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…i must return…

I called him from the trampoline.
It was out on the grass, beneath tall pines, and with a view
of the ocean from way up high…
My friends’ house was on ‘the ridge’, with far stretched views
of blue going on forever, beneath stretches of pine and fir and
brush that blended together to create the soft muted green
slide, leading to the blue of the Pacific along the NorCal coast.

“I’m jumping on a trampoline”, I told him.  He sounded confused.

“Where Are you?” he asked, and the long distance made a few
second’s  delay in our already challenging conversation.

“I’m at my friends’ house, where I’m working… ” I told him,
“and I’m outside in the Sun, looking at the ocean, and jumping
on the Trampoline…………..Naked…!  ”
I waited for the reaction.

“Reeelly?”  …I could hear his smile, and I jumped and giggled.
“Yes…!  and I’m Missing you.  I need to come there Soon…
I need to be with you Now!”
The jumping became more insistant…

“Waaalll….” came that all too familiar pause while thoughts
gathered like clouds.
“Oh jes geeve me a leetle longer, Babe”  he sort of whined now.
“I’m steeel studying for my lisence, an the test won’ be for a while…”

“OK, but I can’t keep on waiting forever” I said.
“It’s already been too long…”

It had been seven months since I’d left Brasil, seven long months
for us both to get it together, and be back together in Rio.
When I left, it was supposed to be Two…

He’d found and lost work, he’d called me drunk, so drunk he didn’t
remember it the next day, he’d called saying “theese theeeng in my
lap eees loooking vary goood to me right now”, meaning the gun he
warmed in his hands.
I talked him down from being sick, suicidal, sad, lonely and confused.
I’d heard him say “I can’t Dooo theeese alone”, meaning he knew he
needed me, and yet still he hesitated when up against the
actuality of my return.

I sorted through the arguments between my head, gut and heart.
Fear clashed with the knowing of connection, and the distance on
that long long line stretching between us made it even more vague.
What the correct path, the righteous path, the perfect timing was,
no one could know.

It had to be a balance between my needs and his, his fears and mine,
but most of all, a return of eyes and flesh in the present, to remind us unequivocally of the undeniable truth that we had found, just
eight months before.
I knew I had to be there, and in not much longer a time,
for both of our sanities.

________________________

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…i decided…

I woke up this morning, and I decided to be happy.

I decided to stop wasting my days with Waiting til things
were the way I wanted.

I decided to sing more and cry less.

I decided to say Thank You more often than I cursed the sky
for not being the Color I wanted.

I decided to smile and enjoy each Mundane Task as a
Privilege……….and to remember how many people
can’t even walk to

Chop Wood and Carry Water…

The blessings of life are just that…

It’s the small moments, when

the beetle lands on your hand, or

the jays decide to nest nearby.

All is Sacred………………I am Sacred.

_________________________

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… movie madness #211212 … “Bandits”…

Talk about surprises, this film took me by storm…
It was the early hours of the winter solstice, part
of the world was thinking maybe it was over, and
the larger part knew we had at least 4 billion years
left to figure it out, and I was waiting for the dawn
to allow the light to strike my retina and encode
myself to the new dawn of the new cycle.

“Bandits” is the tale of two escaped convicts turned
bank robbers, who wear amazing disguises like Return
of Neil Young Sideburns, and very creative wigs,
and pick up Cate Blanchett along the way.

She is a seductively amazing creature, with glowing
red hair and smokey luminous eyes, who creates
delightful chaos between Billy Bob Thornton and
Bruce Willis.
Action, physical comedy and priceless lines…
“She’s an iceberg waiting for the Titanic…” and
“I suffer from Fear of growing Smaller” and
“I read about how they use electric shock to prove
that cockroaches have feelings” roll on through the
film, yet all is smooth as a lavendar smoothie.

Billy Bob has the best lines and impeccable timing,
with a pace that is never hurried or contrived.
He’s at his best, with a Perfect part for him..

Filmed along Hwy 1 in California and Oregon, I felt
quite at home, with romantic gettaways and coastal
vistas, and the music was a collection that actually
tempted me to buy the soundtrack.
Dylan, Bono, and Mark Knopfler add to the smoothie feel,
while warming every corner of this artfully lighted film.

This is a Must See, with a huge surprise played by
Troy Garity, who steals nearly every scene he’s in…
It was like watching early Jack Nicholson, your eye
unable to turn away from his slow and kinky play
with the character… he’s part of the Fonda dynasty,
and I can’t wait to see what he does next.
Don’t Miss it!!!  I can’t believe it’s fully 11 years old.

 

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… the brasilian story continues …

Perhaps there are still those out there who are
wondering what the what? and so forth…
Just Where has this woman gone, and what is to
become of this half told story anyway?
Does it ever end?  or even Continue?

Oddly enough, the point at which I grew weary of
the dips into the past, I later realized I had reached
the Halfway Mark, and nearly told what will be called
the First Half of this Book of mine.

And thusly, I have written this Sonnet……  a little
something that sprang forth last night, and something
with which I am well Pleased!
Perhaps it will help you Dear Readers begin to
understand this strange and sad tale…
And so it will Follow….. Read on!
________________________________

 

 

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… a sonnet from the heart …

Mine is a story yet half done
The Telling of it Saddens one.
For Romance true and Beautious be,
but just as True is Cruelty.

So True Love starts and fills the Half,
As well as Kisses and the Laughs…
But then the world both Past and Fore
Undoes what once was……  Nevermore!

And so and thus you know the Plot…
We near the Halfmark, told the ‘What’.
But now Before us lies the ‘Why’ and
‘How’ it is that Love should Die.

_____________________

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… the web …

“All living things are one, like

the blood that unites one thing.

Man did not weave the web of life.

He is but a part of it,

he is only a Strand within it.

Whatever he does to the web of life,

he does to himself. “

……..from the Aborigines

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