Here is GRANDMA… I can’t believe he Gave me this picture,
but he did. Sadly, it has some little holes in it…
She was a Knockout…. and this is where he got Those Eyes of his.
Category Archives: brasil
…the week passes…
After the meltdown over the nameless faceless poem, I go
through days of self doubt, questioning everything,
completely letting go of all sense of control, and begin
once again to face my fears.
I make two lists… pros and cons… and consider the good,
the bad, and the ugly of this relationship I work so hard to
maintain. Am I trying too hard?
One obvious obstacle is distance. Our lives are so different,
and that alone makes so much out of sync.
It takes will and determination to stay truly in touch, and on
the same wave length, and it has to come from both sides.
Meanwhile, his reality revolved around a sick and aging Aunt,
who he was feeling very responsible for, and the next time
I called him, he’d had little sleep in four days.
Exhaustion and frustration led him to vent at me for
doubting him… a bunch of rage came at me.
It seems the poem was something he wrote to Me….
before I ever even Came to Brasil… it was his alter self,
fearing all his feelings would culminate in nothing at all,
with my never showing up, and he would be
left with pain and sorrow.
“You Didn’t Come…”
That was the poem, after all. And why didn’t he Tell me this?
I have no idea. Was he embarrassed to show his fears?
So I had been allowed to stew away, and for some reason
he had felt the need to test me, I guess…
Not much was really said, and all I could do was to
leave him with…”well…call me when you feel like talking.”
Finally, days later, he left a message at my friend’s saying
“I want to talk with you”, and so once again I called.
“I trust No one,” he tells me.
“I have been alone all my life…
This is the first time in my life that I feel like I could
be with someone that is an Equal.
“I am never away from you…
but then you know, if this thing doesn’t work out,
well, I can get another woman…
…maybe not one of the Caliber of you…
but…I can do that”
He gives, and he takes away…
He was drinking bloody marys, relaxing after the Aunt
had finally gotten better and come home from the hospital.
“I think I’m going to have to bury the bitch” he says…
which means he knows he has to stay and take care of her.
“I just keep seeing my Grandmother cringing.”
His Grandmother had been the one person who loved and
cared for him, and it seems that Aunt Maria and she were….
… Companions.
She had been younger, and the Grandmother and
Grandfather adopted her, and gave her a new life, after
living in complete and utter poverty as a child.
Grandma and she were life companions from there forward,
and I guess Grandpa loved Grandma so much, he went along
with it. An interesting twist in an already convoluted family…
So when Grandma died, Aunt Maria was just Aunt Maria….
she’d been there many many years, and was part of the family.
She had all of Grandma’s dishes, linens, and kept her altar
with all the sacred icons set up in a closet in her house,
which I was privileged to see.
They still cooked with Grandma’s pots, even though they were
old beat up Aluminum, scratched and poisoning the food…
She and Alcir had Grandma as this huge and mutual bond
together, and it was the mainstay of their relationship.
The rest of it was quite adversarial, competitive, and
they just loved to argue….constantly.
In some ways, it was as though they were siblings…
They would fight over Grandmas things too…even the
little glass dishes, and the forks that kept going back
and forth between kitchens.
Then he made it clear that he wanted me to come back to Brasil….
but while letting him know I planned to, and soon,
I now had commitments and plans, and also needed to
make money for the next ticket…. he certainly
wasn’t offering to pay for it…
“I’m not a very nice person when I don’t drink,” he complained….
“This is me…. you know this me….
I am still here, but I’m trapped inside this shell of a looser….
I want MYSELF back!”
…and then he added one last touching thing…
“I want to remake myself from what’s inside you!”
…june 13 2005…
Today I face my fears. Today I face creating money,
being on my own, not knowing what the future holds,
and liking what I have created for myself.
Go towards what opens, leave what closes….
Journal…
Last nite after talking with Alcir, I went on his writers’ site
as he had asked… he thought a virus had perhaps affected it…
And there… 4/26/05…. is a new “erotic poem”. And
what am i to assume?
Is it about me? how can it be? Is it about Her…
…whichever her it might be?
How am I to know? Yet the title is in Portuguese, and it
will not translate for me, and it seems like it’s either
“You Did Not Come”… or “Don’t Come”…
It’s some sad poem that talks about never her,
not showing up at all, and never knowing his Love…
but something about not coming…. and
one could easily take that in several ways.
I call him….. I am confused, as well as potentially angry and jealous.
About all he could offer me was to ask me if I was jealous…
He seems unwilling to give a straight answer, and unable
to just Talk about Anything…
There is no explanation, resolution, or sense made of any of it.
I am left with something akin to everything else right now….
Nothing is sure, and It’s all up to me.
Then I watch a film and I take down a quote…
“God is the principle of simplicity and unity that seems to be
underneath all the complexity at the surface of things.”
I like what i hear…..
…and this is from a group of top scientists and theologians
that had gathered in order to redefine God for the 21st century,
bringing spiritual and scientific value into greater harmony.
and then the Journal …
“She let him go. He was an aquarian after all…. and what is
anything without freedom…”
This terrible letting go engulfed her, and she realized that
was all she could do. Let go with Love… because that was
still there with all its prickly holdings.
But letting go of any semblance of Control was the only
path there for her. It was the high road for both.
Somehow she got in this place, the place of releasing
him and herself from any expectations or obligations…
and then serendipity came along,
and this song kept on going round and round….
..and it was in an Angelina Jolie film she watched,
and it spoke the truth… and as tears fell, she
stood on its ground at that moment.
Love Song
Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am Home again.
Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am Whole again.
However far away,
I will always love you.
However long I stay,
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you;
I will always love you.
And for a Sexier Version… a newer cover by Adelle…
Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am young again.
Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am fun again.
However far away,
I will always love you.
However long I stay,
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you;
I will always love you.
Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am Free again.
Whenever I’m alone with you,
You make me feel like I am Clean again.
However far away,
I will always love you.
However long I stay,
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you;
I will always love you.
…kosmic kookies…
So it’s Monday, and I’m at the housesitting house.
Very nice, small, functional, typical simple island home,
surrounded by jungle and quiet,
with lots of windows.
The dog is a gentle sweet wolfie type that I adore,
the cat a siamese mix, very independant and also sweet.
The woman is…. hmmm. I’m still assimilating…..
She dresses in exotic middle eastern belly dancing,
hippie goddess garb, wears lots of Patchouli, and has
crystals and magical objects on and around her, with
pictures of gurus and eastern deities on every shelf.
“Where is my favorite tape, Tantric Dreams?” she says to
herself, as she rummages through the bookshelves…
She sets me on some of her tasks that need to be finished
before she leaves. She has a borrowed sewing machine that
won’t work right…. could i see if i can get it working?
There are a couple things that need mending… maybe
you can do those? she mentions…
I help her get Propane and attach it, assist her with packing
away things while she’s gone, and we go over the list, which
includes calling the phone company to change the service,
going to the insurance office and get the new card for the car,
and taking her trash to the dump.
Then I need to mow the lawn, which she hasn’t been able to
get to in a while…and which will have to be done every week.
Walk the dog daily, wash him weekly…
…..fortunately I don’t have to wash the cat…
“You haven’t seen my “Mind and Body Tonic” have you?”
she calls out from the bath…
She has a couple fellows over for some sort of a meeting
about this healing center that she’s very involved with, and
they seem nice, and together enough.
She’s definitely seems to be some sort of Consultant or Expert
on matters of a Spiritual Learning Center, and these two guys
are the money and minds, the property already procured.
She tells me they are coming over tomorrow, after she leaves,
and will expect lunch, and so I am to make it for them…
an organic vegan thing…
and oh, she won’t have times to clean up the kitchen now,
and that juicer has been sitting a while, and needs to be
cleaned out really well, before I can make them their
organic juice drink.
She is working with all of her being to be part of this Healing
Center soon to be built. Not just a part, but the Central Core,
with plans for them to build her her own house, and she will
conduct classes in a variety of cosmic subjects, earning
a nice income.
Her name is a combination of Three Adjectives, and I
wonder to myself….
I mean, I have friends who have been given a special name
by a guru, or a teacher, or some channeled session, but …
Have you ever seen those Angel Cards? Where everyday
you meditate, and then choose one for the Word of today. …?
The words are always positive and inspiring, and I wonder….
…because it’s almost like she’d picked three of these cards,
to see what the Cosmos wanted her to be called.
Let’s just say it was something like
Joyous Glowing Rainbow Essence,
or something close to it.
The place is great. The animals are great. Later I meet the
landlord who lives next door, and he’s great.
He has lots of paying work for me if I’m interested, and he
has a business selling Solar Panels on line. Nice.
All I have to do is take all her messages, and repeat them all
to her when she calls, as well as pick up her mail every day,
and read it to her when she calls again.
Hmmmm. …..this woman needs a servant… or two….
“Have you seen my Swami Beyondananda Book?”, she wonders
from the bedroom, as I am loading her suitcases into the car.
She has a bad back.
I drive her to the airport, carry her luggage to the check in,
and wait while she does all the stuff she needs to do, help
her with her carry-ons, and see her off.
I’m told I cannot drive the car very far, that she just doesn’t
want to worry about something going wrong, but that’s ok…
NO problem… I really don’t want to do much driving at all.
Live in the jungle, do a little yard work for the landlord, who
Loves it that I like to do physical work… and he pays well.
After her needs are tended to, I then I go ‘home’, clean the
house, wash down the kitchen, spend a half an hour cleaning
the juicer, make lunch for those fellow friends of hers, who
were actually very interesting company…very bright and
intelligent..
…one I called (to myself) Josef the Real, the blonde Rasta
boy with kaleidoscope eyes…
…and S, the suave 40 yr old rich guy, a bit like Ben Afleck,
with a flash of Tom Cruise…
He’s the one who’s financing the deal.
Then I clean up from that, and finally relax. Ahhhh…..
Alone at last. Deep sigh…
Hmmmm…. maybe Three servant girls….
Staying around, making jewelry, going to the beach, visiting
my friends J and E….. who are highly brilliant creative artists
in their own right….going to the magical blue ponds where the
algae makes the inner pools glow, and you dive under the rocks
to come up into this cavern of iridescence….
…earning money next door, and doing yard work in the middle
of this beautiful jungle….. taking miles of walks down wild roads,
…..it all is just Heaven before me.
Next Phase has Begun! and we all know…it’s All a Phase!
…moving along…
On to my next adventure! It’s time to move to my new
place, and be alone for the first time in three weeks….
something I really enjoy.
I pack lightly, a friend will drive my things to the other
side of the island in a day or two, as weight restrictions
on these interisland flights are limiting.
My friend J meets me, decked out in Fedora and string
tie, looking all island glam, and we pick up where we left
off years ago. Real friends are like that, aren’t they?
His wife E is on the mainland for a few days, so he and I play
catchup, and he shows me His island life. The music he shares
is so uplifting and inspirational, very broad based and hip.
Here’s one of his Very Favorites… between Jazz, Classic Rock,
and Alternative stuff I’d never heard, this was the One he
played the most of…
Such an Uplifting Message!
They are staying in a gorgeous, huge place, in the middle of
a papaya farm, with jungle views and distant blues…
They go swimming every day!
He drives his van around the coolest spots, where we swim
in the little lagoons and find the hidden lava pools, where
families gather to embrace the sparkling blue energies from
deep within the island hollows.
We go to a hula show, a Real one at a small bar, with several
members of the same family, all different ages, and the
sweetest voices ever.
My friend has this beautiful awakening to Hawaiian music
and hula, actually grokking its essence and spirituality.
He’s higher than the clouds now, and we are both blissed out.
Alcir called several times, drunk and bummed out about his boat…
or should I say his Not Boat.
One time he’s happy, the next very sad… and what he calls
“Drunk as a Skunk”.
I feel strangely distant, and find myself gaining perspectives
on some of it… at least on the bi-polar aspects of his world.
Journal… Thurs June 9, 2005
“I just begin wondering if it will ever work out. It all seems so
far away, and he doesn’t seem to be able to break out of his
web of restraints.
I must go on alone, and let things open for me, set up a future
that has no definition. Shit… I thought alone was done for.
This whole thing seems a little cruel.”
“Can I deal with a drunk who does drugs, hates his mother,
has few friends and major regrets about his life? That’s a lot.
When he’s straight, he’s Aquarian, cool, controlled, serious
and thought provoking. He’s brilliant and very sane.
When he’s drunk, he’s funny… then progresses to morbidly
sad and focuses on my ass. Not really appealing. ”
On Sunday, I will go to the housesitting place, get introduced to
the scene there in Pahoa, and get to know the little animal folk
I will be living with.
The woman will be there a couple days, and then leave for
many weeks. I’m excited!
…on the move…
The party had partied itself to yesterday, and she was
ready for her next motion moments…
Her friend went back to her life, and she to her future.
Still, the still life memories of the space she’d enjoyed
lingered in her imagery, full of color and calm.
Next a visit with another friend nearby, where they made
enchiladas and dined on leftover chocolate fondue….
mmmmmmmmmm……
Soon she would settle in to her new space, the house sitting
abode with dog and cat, the cosmic hippie haven on the
Hilo side, where green lushness filled the air, welcome
moisture once again soothing her skin and curling her hair.
…mood music…
So… are you getting there? …. Are your pots polished?
Are your candles warming?
Do you need just a little more inspiration?
Then enjoy Antonio Carlos Jobim, the guy, the man,
the king of bossa nova, and also of
>>>>> Brilliant Timing <<<<<
… and beloved by all Brasilians… and the world.
i used to sing this in the band i was in….
i’d sing it in portuguese, and then in english, and I used to
think about singing it to him someday.
and then I got to do just that.
in english and portuguese…
…while we danced.
…shark!…
For some reason right now, this memory has been floating
up the last couple days… It’s dreamy and sunny warmness,
with jolly Brasilians at a party somewhere…
I jump ahead in time, because… I Can… and this memory is
from the second time I visited Alcir and Rio… in 2006.
Likely one reason I am remembering this time, is because
it was one of our good periods, of which there were many;
unfortunately there were a few down times too.
It was February, Carnaval time, such an incredible month in
so many ways. He was born during Carnaval, so he’s like a kid,
telling me just What he wants to do and get for his Day, which
just happens to be Valentines Day in the US
So Alcir takes me to a party in this most festive of times…..
Well….. except for the Futebol playoffs (soccer), for
Those Are The Biggest Number One Deal in Brasil!!
Brasil has won more World Cups than Any other country.
A friend of his… Mario….I think he was in the classes for his
Captain’s License… was having a house warming for their new
home addition, and so we are off.
And I am very excited to meet some of his friends!
It’s a lovely district, a somewhat new area with streets and homes
more like the US residentials, and we are shown through rooms,
and several floors going upstairs, by him and his lovely woman.
They seem excited to have an American at their party!
It’s so strange to feel exotic in such an exotic land!
But blue eyes are stared at in Brasil.
We arrive at the top floor, which is a rooftop, open to the sky,
with views up and down the street, and a barbeque going.
The party is warmed up, everyone’s drinking icy beers and
munching things from the long table of snacks, chattering away.
And there, at one side… is a large inflatable pool, with a half dozen
children, all happily soaked, bouncing and squealing wildly.
After intros and mostly listening to the beautiful language,
I grow weary of brain stretching, and decide to accept the
invite into the pool.
At first the kids are a tiny bit shy… Brasilians are Not a shy people!..
they eye me with wide smiles, and I begin to splash them… just a
little. Squeals, giggles, huddlings… and I know they Love it.
It wasn’t long before I started going under the water, and coming
after one or another. Oh goodness, did they love That!
I was laughing so hard, they were wild and screaming with
abandon, it was glorious fun.
Then they began calling me something…. at first I was puzzled..
I’d been doing the familiar…
“duh duh……..duh duh………Duh Duh…..
Duh! Duh!….Duh! Duh! ….DUH! DUH! DUH! DUH!”….
….the theme from the movie that I guess Everyone knows…
just before I would dip below the water and
come in their direction…
“Tia Tubarao! Tia Tubarao!!!” they kept squealing and giggling,
leaping and splashing from one end to the other…
And then Alcir came over….
“They’re calling you Auntie Shark!. Auntie Shark!” he laughed.
With both enjoyment and surprise in his voice…he exclaimed
“They LIKE you!!
Uh…. ya think??! Yah!
And so did his friends. Mario and his lady had children, and had
been together many years, and were now planning a wedding…
They were so adorable, she showing off her ring, and then Mario
got all quietly excited, and in a very conspiratorial manor,
accompanied by a half whispered aside and a couple elbows
in the ribs, (huh? huh?) made this very sweet suggestion:
So…why didn’t WE get married at the same time!
A Double Wedding! How cute is that.
We just looked at eachother and smiled.
After all, it was Carnaval!
…boat dreams…
She watched the sea, a still, steel blue calm of a background
to dry golden hills. Hills that brought back days of sonoma
and chatsworth, the SoCal days.
What a strange time in her life, a time of throwing herself
to the wind literally. A kite without a string.
Exhilarating and terrifying.
She longed for her man, the male counterpart she’d
waited for, for so long… in general, yes, but
also quite specifically.
She’d called him this morning, and he’d been napping…
“Oh, I hate it when someone takes me out of my dream.
When I go to sleep, I always think I may dream of my boat.
And when I do, and a call takes me away…”
“Well….Sorry!” she mocked…
She knew it wasn’t just that way with her call…
“Oh Nooo…but to trade a dream for a dream, that’s ok…”
he soothed, coming more into the present.
“So…you were dreaming of your boat?”
“Yes…. it was so goooood…”
The longing tide that crouched in her belly sang songs
of sun and warm skin.
Soft brown warm skin there for the touching.
She loved reaching out for him in the the night, and just
resting her fingertips against his borders.
The borders of him, inside him, him really there…
Now she could not succumb to it…… No..
The tide must rest, like some pacing tiger
in the closet of her heart…
Can’t come out yet, she thought….
……..or it will surely Eat me.
…island time…
So it’s Wednesday morning, and after a good sleep and
some island coffee with cream and honey, she ventures
to once again dial his number. And he answers…
“The phones were out all day yesterday” he offers, “but now
there you are! You sound so goooood!”
“oh I am” she smiles, wishing he were here right now, letting
the palmy breezes blow through his brain cells for a while.
He is in a happy mood, and sounds solid…. she is relieved.
“So… Buquinha will be looking for our house now, because
George is too busy. Oh babe…. it’s gonna be goooood.”
Now it’s down to the beach, a wide sandy shore, long and
straight, and her friend is paddling with a crew of girls, as
she does several times a week.
She walks the long stretch, concentrating on the sand feels
between her toes. A light breeze is blowing.
Her eyes take in the expanses of blues and greens.
That alone changes everything.
And the sound. Glorious white sound of
water and waves and rocks and pulls of the sky to
join the clouds in swirling celebration of just being alive
here and now on this
majestic and magical planet.
Her feet are now begging for sea, and she succumbs to salt water
lapping over her legs, feet sinking in sand, eyes filled with blue.
Later, they go to a Luncheon at the Queen’s Summer Palace for
a tour, gorgeous buffet, and just touching in to the beauty
of all of it…. Hawaii and her past.
Her friend volunteers in this group that maintains the Palace and
raises moneys, and they sit outside in shaded dining areas and
elegant ladies trade the microphones with greetings and news.
Tres Elegant, she thinks. What an interesting life my friend leads.
No children, a successful husband, the life of a lady.
We must catch up, for in the old days, we each lived in the woods
in rustic environs, me home birthing babies and growing gardens
and milking goats, she growing herbs and creating wholesome
skin products in her kitchen sink, back in the days when
that was cutting edge.
Her oils and unguents are still in production, but now instead of
making them at home with a blender, they are produced somehow
without her, and her biggest concerns seem to be about the labels,
on which she has spent bundles and keeps redesigning.
The market has changed drastically for her, and large companies
with ‘natural ingredients’ on the label are now taking over the market.
She seems concerned, but on the other hand, there is no survival
pressures like there used to be in the old days, so she has several
clients for massage work in luxury spas, and can use and share
her products there.
Tonite it’s the movie theater, with queen Latifa.
Next day is more of the wholesome life here, coffee at seven, friend
comes by, off to the farmers’ market and bring home fresh local
produce, go splash in the sea, walk for an hour on the warm sands,
then back home to relax.
Visiting, cooking, relaxing, all the while the island air dominates
the senses, and she once again falls deeply into
blissful sleeps til dawn.
notesfromthelovewars 