Category Archives: brazil

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… surrender … breathe … now …

on the new year
“You have moved through one layer only to discover another has appeared. A door to the other world has opened. Another year awaits you, yet there is a sense that something unprecedented is longing to break through the dream of partiality.

You have broken apart, come back together, only to break apart yet again. There are times when you are so open, and others when it feels like everything is caving in upon you. Whether clarity or confusion spins out of the stars and descends upon you, the path is everywhere. For every form is a wisdom guide arising out of the unseen as a harbinger of integration.

The veil is parting, yet what is coming next has not yet been given. You can rest now, for today may not be the day for answers… but to let your heart break open to the vastness of the question.

You can slow down. Nothing is urgent. Nothing need be fixed, changed, healed, transformed, or resolved, for right now. Breathe. Mingle your essence with the blue in the sky. Drop into the muddy earth and receive the holding of the embodied world. All the support and guidance you will ever need… is here now and is forming around you.

Dare to see that grace is right here, not as a destination that you will reach one day by means of a weary journey – not when you get ‘enlightened,’ ‘heal your past,’ ‘meet your soul mate,’ or ‘raise your vibration’ – but as a lover for you to dance, play, and explore with, in the unfolding, eternal now. Look carefully, for the path is erupting in the aliveness of immediacy as the golden portal into intimacy with all things.

On this new year’s day, surrender the dream of unworthiness and behold the grace that is always, already here, raging equally in the struggle and in the joy – in the despair and in the bliss. See that it is shining through the mess and shape-shifting from one form to another, in order to reveal just how whole you truly are.

And within the temple that is your very own body, receive the invitation to fully participate, to give everything to the opportunity that awaits you here, in a shimmering, rare, and very alive star of love.”

…………..Matt Licata

Photo credit: “Collecting the Stars” by Kevin Carden

 

 

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… fall in love …

bear love

May you fall madly in love this year .. in love with someone who unhinges your tired trajectory, in love with a spouse of several years who might be aching for lightning, in love with demanding children and crazy relatives .. in love with the particular pedigree of genius insanity that has perhaps claimed you in spite of your reluctance .. and certainly in love with an animal, a cloud, a redwood, the wild .. these at least once a day. May you fall in love with this fragile jewel of a world, with hard work, real learning, just causes, petitioning and prayers. May you fall in love with wonder itself, with the grand mystery, with all that feeds you in order that you may live .. and with the responsibility that that confers. May you fall in love with heartbreak and seeing how it’s stitched into everything. May you fall in love with the natural order of things and with tears, tenderness and humility. May this be a magnificent year for you. May you fall deeply, madly, hopelessly, inextinguishably in love.

© Poetess (Rachelle Lamb)

Artwork: Jackie Morris (The House of Golden Dreams)

 

 

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… sheee’s baaaack …

Hi all… surprised to see me?  and after all these days, months,
years?   well…….. just couldn’t stay away forever, could I.

There’s been so many changes, so much goings and comings,
and once again that Brasilian is in my life… and for good this time.

Want to hear more?  Stay tuned.  I have so much to tell you,
and we are starting a New Blog!  with video conversations and
a thousand insights ….

mendo coastStay close, stay tuned, stay Happy!

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… today i wonder …

Today i think about the before and after.  Before and after the WAR, for this man i am writing about.  The Wars he was drawn to, drawn into, and inevitably devistated by.  It is my belief today that the man i Met was still enough intact to continue on a rightious path,  do marvelous things that he was meant to do, grow, change, evolve, and fulfill his task.
We each have been given a task, a multitude of tasks, to complete in this lifetime.  That is our soul’s journey and our assignment, if you will.

But the seductive path of The HERO, draws our men into battle without a certain type of armor, and frankly i doubt there IS armor for the psychological dismemberment that occurs with War.  How could there be?   And the man i met 18 years later had been drawn into realities that most of us cannot even imagine.  Heroes …?  really?  are any of us Ready and prepared to greet those of us who have experienced things they cannot even describe?  share?  talk about?  no, we are not.

So here i was, with the memory and taste of this delicious young man, wild and brave, willing to slay dragons and make the world a better place, safer for me and anyone else…. willing to fulfill the Hero’s place, and with grace and skill.

And they are slaughtered and dismembered and disembodied to the point that their fractured psyche has no where to reference, no where to ask, no where.  What is left is the beaten Hero, confused and no longer earthbound, not really knowing where they are or who they are or who they Should be now.

What are they to Do, now that they have given what they have to give, what they have been told was their’s to give, and now find themselves lost and confused, unable to proceed, unwilling to go back, questioning All that they gave and All that they Were.

 

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… when i kissed you …

“When I kissed you, I felt Life…

I was Alive…

We found eachother in a very common way.

With you, I was fucking Life.

I was filling myself with Life.

I was mesmerized with you.”

 

…..Alcir, 2005

Photo in Tahoe, 1986

alcir in tahoe close

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… the good, the bad and the confusing …

Journal, February 2006

I have two pages, side by side… one says YES, the other says NO…

On the YES side, there are all the wonderful things he says…

I see your goodness, I want to rebuild myself from inside you
I love you, your’e the love of my life, the best fuck of my life.
I’ll never fuck another woman
I’ll never lie to you
I’ll always be true to you
I’ll protect you and your family.
Do you want to be Carol Lee Souza?
Please Carol…can you help me?  I want to stop drinking and snorting…
Please, can you help me?
This place is killing me… I’m dying… Please can you help
get me out of here?
Marry me….marry me….marry me… (for the last Year)
You are my woman.  We were made for eachother.
If you come back, I’ll never let you leave.
I’m so happy… why do I feel so free?
I’m always alone… even with others…with you I don’t feel alone.
Hold me…cuddle me…Just take care of me ….
(and I see the wide open boy face)
And…he tells the guys that he’s Married…!

and then there’s the Other Page, some of the NOs…

I have nothing to offer you.
Go home.  go home, and let me die…Please.
When are you leaving?  Tomorrow?  Good!
Wouldn’t it be fun? to do this once a year?  3 mos/9 mos.
I’m going to burn this house down when I go.
I’ll kill the family upstairs if my plant gets busted.
I’ll never change.
I’m leaving soon…. will you Burn me? Please?

and then there’s the facts that anything of mine around bothers him,
and pretty much if I suggest it, he says No.

…and the fact that he doesn’t tell the women who call him
that he’s married.

He is a full time job……

 

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… one month in …

Journal, January 31, 2006

“So much has passed this week, big ups, big downs, and I do my
best to take stock.  There are times when I literally write two lists,
positives and negatives, because I am so confused by him.

Today is a new day.  Hes’ UP, he’s moving, and maybe can I say it?
Excited.
Went for a walk last night… our Second evening walk… and I
mentioned why not go to NorCal and do a crop?  We could
buy a boat, doing that.
Also as we walked along the water at the Park, I say that I’m glad
we are too old to do the kid thing…
“Why?” he asks…”I would like to try one more time to do it right”…
and yes, I understand, I tell him, but then we’d just get caught up
in things to argue about , even more than now!
Then I bring up a Project, a Collaboration… and say
“This is what we do instead of a child”  and suggest that we do the
Life Story that he’s brought up so many times, that his life and the
telling is the most viable place to start.

So today he wants to start on it.    He’s washing clothes, organizing
closets….he’s Moving.  I tell him he has to open  his Faucets…
Let the Energy flow.
Money is Energy, open it up!  He’s started walking every 2 or 3 days,
and although he won’t let me walk with him, he is seeming more alive.
Cooking, Eating, Sex, he is into these, so there’s still hope… there’s
always hope, and when I came, I told myself I would stay until there
were no doubts, one way or the other.
Things can change instantly, they can!

The days merge into eachother, and all I can remember are the
issues, which perhaps is as it should be after all.  The progression,
the swings, the ups and downs, as we journey together on this path.

Each good day gives me hope that we are going somewhere together,
and can figure this thing out.”

 

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