Tag Archives: love story
…internal journal…
January 6, 2005
So… the talks we have, long and into the night, are frequented
with lots of booze, but when he’s inebriated, he really talks,
expounds with theories and diatribes, on ethics and commitments,
on his mind set and why.
It’s pretty darned interesting, but it’s also a lot of work. I feel
exhausted from it, and I’m not quite sure of the whys.
I feel like I need to record this, and that it is important somehow.
But why do I feel this way?
It is important because he is a movie in the making, because his
voice is a broad band of incomparable experience of Maleness
in this world.
.. or am I just puffing it all up with importance…?
You can see the cover of my old journal, and it speaks for itself.
I knew what I was getting in to, yet there was no going back.
Interesting things are occurring in my brain throughout all of this…
First there was the fantasy, the romantic movies that were left in
my storehouse, replayed so many times that I was truly unsure of
what was the truth anymore.
I remember writing quickly, to remember clearly, so as not to distort
it, but still after all this time, I am no longer assured it is the truth.
No one else even knew him, except my daughter Piney a little, and
she adored him. A couple people MET him, but I know no one else
now who Knew him then.
So as these weeks have passed, I notice the old movies fading, and
a new gathering image formulating before me. One based on bits
and pieces, gleaned from long conversations, one building upon
another, like pixels filling in the dots to dots, and a new man begins
to emerge before me, in my mind’s eye.
Yet these eyes, which lived to eat up his countenance, these eyes
which were so delightfully pleased with the sensual pleasures of his
physical self…….they are not allowed to be involved in this re-
formulation yet, this complete re-assembling of information.
And now I see the brain attempting to overlay one upon the other,
the old, or rather Younger Alcir, the iconic hero character who
flashed in and out of my reality…overlayed like images on Velum…
over this new Alcir, the more complex and complete picture of the
man, without the eyes filling in and informing my soul.
These eyes see much, and I depend on them to grant me information
that they grasp on so many levels. Will they adore what they see,
or will they speak of pain and sadness, and too much to handle?
This other life that I head towards, this being that impacted my orbit
with great explosions and re-adjustments…that in effect changed
some of my life’s directions.. enlarging my horizons, and filled in
spaces by his very existence..can I now integrate him into my
daily life, can I hold it all, and still keep hold of myself?
We are tumbling towards eachother, as surely as stars on trajectory
into a future that holds more explosions and murgings, to
create a new being, a new reality, a new star in the night sky.
What will this star pour out into the universe?
And what is IT’s life about?
This particular evening, after he’s heard I have a ticket,
a date, a plan…
…..after he’s been back in the shadows smoking his cigar,
hiding his hopes…
After spreading himself like jam on my toast …
with that poem, that said his heart was new and open…
….after the shared heart stories…
….his youthful joy renewed…
He’s been back there, waiting for my true reply, waiting to SEE…
“I want to SEE it” he’s said, over and over.
So he leaves the phone to pee…and when he comes back,
his voice is insistent…
“One thing just occurred to me…
You’re not Bullshitting me, are you?”
It was a statement, not a question.
…to be or not to be…
You know, I’m beginning to see readers that are checking out my
story from Norway, Hong Kong, Australia, Turkey, Bangladesh(!)
Brasil, and of course the States…
This is exciting! Although the audience is small right now, to
have such a planetary interest throws me back to one intention
that has been there since before I started this blog….
I’m going to turn this Romance into a Book, sooner or later!
So for now, that’s all I have to say. But as the days and weeks go by,
I may have some more definite plans to let you in on. I’d like to make
it available both on line, and in printed form…
I am always interested in your reactions, so Please pipe up, join in,
and give voice to what would make you happy!
And Please note that when you have a thought, do share it with me,
even if it’s brief. It’s nice to know you’re out there…
Peace to All…..
…the waiting begins…
Oh my, where was I? I do leave this Tale of Love from time to time,
for a break in the effort, which is a little arduous, but don’t you find
you can’t wait for the next Chapter? Good!
As I recall, I was having heart palpitations over the poem sent
to me from Brasil.
Passionate and completely mad, still my girlish heart had been
captured, and the desire to share swept over me til I drowned in it.
Girls just Have to share…
There was one person who could grok the moment, and that was
my daughter Piney.
I was living with her at the time, before, during and after she moved
into a new house in our area of Oregon, and she’d been kept abreast
of the goings-on with him.
She had known him during the times he visited me back in the eighties,
and was quite fond of him. She found him funny, smart and playful,
and a rather exciting character to a kid.
Sort of like a real life Jack Sparrow, all dashing and full of tall tales
of courage and wild adventures… but not so much eye makeup…
It wasn’t long before I got an email from the little miss… who was
now a bit of an international, as her work (promotion for big companies) lead her to travel.
“Re: sugar and spice and…GET OFF THE INTERNET!” read the line,
so I did…
…but only after I read the note:
“hey mom,
trying to call you, you must be on line. give me a call when you
get this e-mail.
i have something to tell you…. something you’ll like….a lot.
love,
-pine”
What she had to tell me would now stop my breath as well…. Great…
now I can’t breath, And my heart has already stopped..
She had Tons of Miles to spare, and offered me a Ticket to Brasil…
Oh Good Grief. Not only him, but Brasil too? Completely Unreal.
Brain Overload, tape loops, wake up sweats…
So now the plans began, and I had Two Months to wrap up my life,
get ready for another reality, and of course…loose a few pounds…
I Am a girl after all.
He desperately wanted me to be there for his Birthday…Feb 14th…
He was ecstatic, I swung between several states of mind, but mostly
I worked on bringing my brain to the present, and …..
Just What was this Reality that I had called to myself…?
…the poem…
After our notes back and forth, I of course sent him my number, and
very soon he called. I have no remembrance of what we talked of,
just that it was stoney, heady, transporting.
The next day I received this email:
“I will published tonight kisses
Alcir
……………………………
Carol !
Hear your voice
Made me feel capable of
Fooling the time
Flying around in a dream
Returning to days when life was truthful
And love dare to defy
All mediocrity and nothingness.
That surrounds and kill
The beauty that we can create
When we are living in love !
Your words touched my days
Of loneliness and sarcasm
Of cynicism and doubter
Hear you brought me back to a time
When love was solemn
And ruled my believes.
I remembered your taste
And the perfumes of us
Together
As one.
Lovers of life
That discovered the fluorescence with in the movements
The beauty in the penetration of intimacy’s
The truth in the orgasm of souls.
I woke up to a dream
And I want desperately to live it as my life
I want you to be real
I demand you to be the truth of my days
To be the soul that I never had
To be the light in my darkness
To be the love of my life.
Somebody to relay in the moments of doubt
A comfortable lap in the stormy nights
A truthful north in the dais of lost
A time of peace in a life at war.
Meet me in a timeless world
Were we can be ourselves
Were we are who we are
Were I can be a true man who’s capable to love
A real woman without limitations
Without lies
Free to become the most of our possibilities
Without the smallness
That these days
Impose to our lives.
I want blindly to be mesmerized
By your touch
By your mouth
By yours censes
By you coming
By your love
Be mine !
Alcir”
……………………….
…awakening…
The phone rang. Busy making dinner, Lily answered for me, while I obliviously continued my quest for dinner.
“Mom! some lady’s on the phone, and she says she has a Collect Call from Brasil…”…she shrugged…
Oh great, I thought. Some friend of mine is messing with me… they’re so sick of hearing about Mr Brasil, and now they’re giving me grief….
“Here hon, give it to me…” (damn…)… “Hello?….”
“Halllooo? Yez, iee haf a collect call from Alcir… yooo doo not know sumone named Alcir?” came the dusky, accent laden voice.
“Uh………yeeessss….. I slowly pulled from my mouth, while brain went into permafreeze…. silent moments passed…..
“Hallloooo? Eeeeez Theeees Reeely Yooo?” came that old familiar dark deep voice, that voice that seemed to go right to my nether regions…
I took a deep breath, and in my confusion, suddenly everything stopped. I had a house guest… one of my absolute favorite friends, playmates, collaborator, D I shall call him, and he and his buddy were up from the Bay Area to find large driftwood for his new store in the city… and dinner, D, Lily, time…. all became temporarily irrelevant.
“Yessss..???” which ended in a question, because there was no where else for me to go with this. I hadn’t seen or heard from him in Two years, and frankly, knowing him as I did, I found myself at times wondering if he was even alive.
Oddly enough, I had just gotten a Card back, return to sender, no such animal, that I had sent to Tahoe weeks ago, in desperation. My mind had been plagued with terrible wondering, I couldn’t stop thinking of him, and I had written something simple, direct inside:
“Come Back….. At Least let me know you are Alive”… It had a tender print of Isis holding a wounded Osiris on the front. I still have it.
Weeks had passed, and then there it was in the mail… oh no… I may never know…
That was but Days ago… and Now…? how can this be?? I excused myself to the pantry. I needed isolation, focus, clarity, a brain please. Shake brain like Snow Globe…. let dust settle….
“Where Are you?” I semi stammered.
“In Brasil… tonight there hass been many celebrations, with many friends and family from long ago …I Had to come back. Eeeets my contree…” he trailed off.
Long ago, he had left Brasil, run actually, from an inevitable jail sentence, perhaps death… and his Grandfather had given him money… he’d bought a 30 foot boat, and sailed away, alone, around the Horn all by himself… he was maybe 20…
“I was a Revolutionary. I robbed banks to finance the Revolution. An’ then a coople of peeeple got Keeeeled, an I had to leeeef.”
That was over ten years ago, ten years he’d spent in Norway, Hawaii, and finally, and mostly, the West Coast. He’d acclimated quickly, Loved it.
“What … where ..have …you been?…”…( so he just Got there? tonite?)…
“I waz een the French Foreign Legion” he told me. OK… another brain freeze.
“What??? what was it like?”
“Hell… Eeeet waz Hell. But I got out, an came back. ”
“What …. like what do you mean?”
“oh…. like walking for twenty miles with a hundred pounds on yer back, an eeef you fall down, they Keeeek you…”
“How did you get out?” I asked, for I’d seen enough about the Legion to know that once you join, you give up all rights, all contracts, all everything, for Seven Years. How could this man…?”
“Oh… they deedn’t know whaat too doo weeth me for a while… All three of them had mee in a rooom for a few hours…” He referred to his double citizenship… Brasil, US (he’d been born in Honolulu while his parents were traveling) and I guess France and the Legion. I fantasized him escaping, running through the jungle, dodging bullets… big grin on his face…
“I Love You” he breathed softly…
“What..?” I squeeked, breath gone. He’d never said that, ever.
Once I had said that to him, in the midst of love, and he busted out
“Nooooo, don’ sayee thaaat. Why, because we have good orgasms? Nooo…don’ saayee thaat.” It was like an allergic reaction…
“Could you say that again please…Words, I want to hear words…” I coughed.
“I Love You…. an I Alwaays Deeeed, an I woould not wan you to theeeenk somtheeen deeferent.”
Breathe, Carol, breathe.
“I’ve never forgotten”
“..and I’ve never forgotten…”…
We stood there… half a world apart… and it was alive, still alive. I didn’t care how much it was costing, how long, nothing…
“I’m sorry for calling collect,” he said…”I’ll make it up to you when I see you.”
My knees went weak. By now I was lying on the bare floor of that narrow pantry, staring up unseeing, at shelves of canned beans and pasta.
notesfromthelovewars 